This Woman Got Mansplained To And Is Wondering If She's The A**Hole For Telling Him That He Was Referencing Her Research

Recently, a woman went viral on the r/amitheasshole subreddit after a disagreement with some friends over the way she handled a situation in which someone mansplained her own research to her at a gathering.

User Miserable_Bag_4746 said in her post, "I (33, female) work in a very small, technical, specific, male-dominated field. I won't give too much information on it as I think you could easily find my identity if I did, but let's just say it's a subcategory of law. I graduated nine years ago... and am now a lawyer as well as a researcher. I have published some work here and there, but nothing too major, and no one outside of that field knows my work."

"At one point, we were discussing a point on which we had different opinions, so I explained mine to him, and he replied by saying that my opinion was based on nothing while his was based on the work of a professional (you guessed it, me). He basically started explaining my work to me, but in a completely wrong way, and missed all of my points."

"I asked him if he was sure that that was what the author meant, and he said that he was because it was 'pretty simple actually.' For another good 20 minutes, he explained all of it to me in detail, like I was a first-year law student. I didn't say anything because it was pretty funny to watch him say things that were completely wrong with so much confidence."

"After that, the topic changed, and the night went on, but at the end of the night, right before leaving, I decided to tell him that I was actually the person who wrote the work he had quoted and that he hadn't really understood it."

"I woke up this morning to texts from my friends saying I was wrong for causing drama and tension and that I could've been nicer to their friend. I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong here. I mean, yes, I could've told him right away, but is it that big of a deal that I didn't? I'm not exactly sure. Am I the asshole?"

She later edited to add, "I forgot to make this clear, and maybe it's a bit of a misunderstanding, but both conversations happened only between the two of us. We were the only ones talking about our work, and our friends weren't really there when I told him that I was the author."

"So it's not like I publicly humiliated him. The only thing 'embarrassing' for him here is that a woman seemed smarter than him, and I think that's what he had an issue with."

Some users, like Disastrous_Cupcak3, felt she wasn't the asshole but could have handled the situation a little differently. "I absolutely love this! I think you handled it amazingly."

"The only thing I personally may have done differently would be to tell him earlier so you could have true discourse and help him understand where he was mistaken, and it could have been a constructive conversation where he may have actually learned something. But you’re not the asshole; no matter how you addressed it, I think it’s great."

User Taiwo-Store agreed, saying, "Not the asshole. Personally, I would rather have had you tell me earlier than later because I would have liked to learn from the author and how I was interpreting wrong."

"Ultimately, people interpret things differently, and unless it was clear cut like math (2+2=4), writing will forever be interpreted differently."

"Not the asshole. You could have been nicer, but you definitely shouldn't have been. He dug his own grave, not you," said user Thecatisright.

Other users pointed out that her friends seemed to be taking his side. "Not the asshole, and kudos to you for being so calm when he mansplained your own research!" user Lauuriaa said.

"Question: Did your friends also reprimand their friend for screaming at you? I mean, that wasn’t exactly friendly either…"

"Not the asshole. Ask your friends why they were happy to let you be called an idiot and insulted all night while you created a scene with a single comment," user Timely_Egg_6827 said.

"You didn't manipulate this guy unless you started the conversation to show off. He decided to be rude and, as you said, embarrassed himself."

"Exactly this!" user HottieAngelXo said. "The mental gymnastics some people go through to make their own embarrassment someone else's fault is mind-blowing. The original poster didn’t humiliate him; he did that all on his own by confidently misrepresenting someone else’s work and refusing to listen."

"It’s wild how quickly the narrative shifts to 'you should have been nicer' instead of 'he should have been less condescending.' Accountability needs to stop being optional just because someone’s ego gets bruised."

User Deradius said, "You’re not responsible for arranging the interaction to protect his fragile ego. He was the one who kept running his mouth. All you did was allow it."

"Where is his responsibility for having humility, not assuming he knows everything, and treating others appropriately? Not the asshole, but your friends may be."

"Not the asshole," said user healingadept. "He was a real jerk. And your 'friends' are not your friends if they failed to see he plagiarised your work, completely misunderstood it, and made a fool out of himself. You were just being kind and pointing out he got it all wrong."

"His taking it poorly is all on him. But I would be wary of your friends defending him and taking his side."

User Content-Plenty-268 said, "Not the asshole. No, it was not a big deal at all. Had you told him right away, he would have gotten 'humiliated' earlier in the evening, and you’d still get blamed for 'causing drama and tension' and ruining the evening for everyone. Which you didn’t."

"He was the source of all the drama, and you got blamed because these are the kind of people you were out with. Make better friends who will be in your corner when you put a mansplainer or a bully in his place. You did everything right."

Many other users felt she'd done nothing wrong at all and that the man in question was fully at fault in the situation. "Not the asshole," user Constant-Goat-2463. "A decent person would just laugh and apologize, admitting he really must've looked funny to you, and then respectfully asked you to explain the points he did not get."

"No matter how late you revealed the truth, and even if you said that a little bit bitter — any sane, healthily confident person would apologize for misinterpreting your text. He could continue arguing, but how he reacted was not normal. You're ok."

User Opening-Worker-3075 said, "Not the asshole. He's the asshole — twice, maybe three times."

"Firstly for mansplaining. Second, for kicking off. And possibly third for whining to your friend. You merely listened politely and gave him enough rope to hang himself. It's not your fault he took it. "

"Not the asshole. As a woman in a male-dominated field as well, it's exhausting keeping up with these emotional outbursts from men," user --slurpy-- said.

"It's tedious because men don't consider anger an emotional response. That guy made himself look like an idiot and got mad at you for it. That's ridiculous. If it were the other way around he'd be chucking it up."

User Square-Minimum-6042 said, "NTA. I love this story and how you handled it. If you had interrupted him mid-mansplain, wouldn't that have been more dramatic? He's the one that flew off the handle and embarrassed himself a second time!"

"Not the asshole," said user Ok-disaster2022. "In grad school, we had a class presentation about a project in an engineering field. One guy cited some work that — you guessed it — a woman in class was actually a research assistant for the summer before. Her name was on the paper he was citing, and he was getting it wrong. She cited herself and corrected him."

"Personally, I thought it was pretty awesome, and if it had been me, I would have used the opportunity to talk directly with the person who had experience. This dude got in a huff.

Anyway, I spoke with the woman afterward, who felt bad about trying to correct him, and I told her the same thing I'll say now: facts are facts. If we're supposed to be interested in fact, then we should welcome criticism. If you were a male, he wouldn't be nearly as insulted, and that's a him problem, not a you problem. Nothing you said was inappropriate or rude. Just the facts."

And finally, user BabalonBimbo summed up their thoughts succinctly, saying, "Just one more situation where a woman is supposed to ignore her competence and soothe the ego of an overly sensitive man. And they think we are the emotional ones."

So now that you've read all this, I have to ask: What do you think? Should she have told him right away that he was misunderstanding her research, or did she handle the situation correctly? Should she not have said anything at all? Let us know in the comments.