This Wife Asked The Internet If She's Being "Ungrateful" For Her Husband's Gift, But What He Got Her Actually Filled Me With Rage
I'm the first one to admit that buying a gift for someone is not the easiest task. However, if the person you're giving a gift to drops hints and is very open about what they like, there's kind of no excuse not to give them what they want, right? Unless it's something you can't afford or have access to buying.
This OP (original poster) recently shared their situation in the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit about her husband's gift to her, and honestly, I don't know what to think of it. Here is what she shared: "My husband (28m) and I (29f) have been married nearly a year now, and our anniversary is coming up soon. Ever since we have dated, I have expressed how I’d love a dainty initial necklace with the letter 'D; to wear daily. Corny? Sure, but I love it. After a year of not receiving the necklace, I started showing him pictures on Etsy of the ones I love (small gold plates with a lowercase 'd' in typewriter font — all of them were this font and style)."
"We even walked through Pandora to the custom engraved section and how he could write it, and that would be very precious and meaningful to me. He thought it was neat, and this whole time, I thought he was absorbing what I was saying and listening.
All he absorbed was the word ‘dainty’ apparently. This morning, he bought a small (in size) but very thick bulky 'd' necklace, some kind of frilly cursive that doesn’t even look like a 'd,'" she wrote.
The OP continued by writing, "We share an email, and I was opening it to check our daily emails, it refreshed, and there was the purchase. I texted him and said that it was absolutely nothing like I’d expressed for years. I’ve waited this long for a necklace — I want to actually like and wear it. He told me I wanted dainty and that it was dainty. I told him it was nothing like I’d shown him for years and to cancel the order. Naturally, this makes me ungrateful in his eyes. AITAH?"
She also made it a point to add, "My husband doesn’t do gifts. His family was never big on gifts, and it shows. He requested I send links to things I want because he isn’t creative enough to know what I want. He likes it when I just tell him things — clear and direct. He asked me to pick an engagement ring out because he just couldn’t decide. He TOLD ME HE WOULD BUY THIS NECKLACE two years ago, and I’ve waited this long."
Before we get into the responses to this wife's dilemma, I have a question for all of you:
The Reddit community had A LOT of mixed reactions to this story. Here is what they said.
"NTA [Not The Asshole]. He wants you to be happy. He did the bare minimum of ordering a gift, but he didn't even listen to what you asked for. You even did all the work showing him Etsy listings and the Pandora example. All he had to do was order exactly what you showed him. Most people would be happy to have clear instructions and a foolproof gift idea."
"One birthday, my ex gave me a truly abysmal birthday gift. Like, it was so bad I felt insulted. My friends were all like, 'Don't say anything — be grateful he got you something at all!' I did end up asking him to exchange it because I'm not interested in a relationship where I give lavish, thoughtful gifts and have to be happy with whatever nonsense I get in return."
"YTA [You're The Asshole]. I read your responses. You knew this man never put effort into your relationship. He never proposed. He let you pick out your own engagement ring. Took you to the court to get married. You’ve been in counseling over his lack of effort."
"Babe, you chose this man. You knew he lacked effort way before you married him, and you still married him. Now you’re upset at him being exactly who he always was?! You don’t marry people and try to change them. That’s setting yourself up to be unhappy and him to resent you. Buy your own necklace, or do what you did with the engagement ring and pick it out for him to buy."
"NTA. I'm shocked by anyone saying otherwise. All he had to do was click checkout on one of the links you sent him. He knew what you wanted and deliberately chose to get something else. I can't stand this excuse of 'men don't think like that.' No, they choose not to think like that. And then he doubles down and tries to mansplain what you asked for? His definition of 'dainty' really doesn't matter when you've shown him exactly what you want."
"If it comes up again, I would tell him that while the necklace he chose may be dainty, it's not the style you wanted, and you feel hurt that he ignored your preferences."
"Sorry to say, but this marriage will not last. No direct, clear communication of wants and needs. Two fundamentally different people in terms of expectations that are either not being communicated, understood, or met. The continual cycle of lack of effort followed by eventual disappointment will lead to resentment, and as we know, resentment is a precursor to the four horsemen of relationship conflict, according to the Drs Gottman. Get some marriage counseling now before it's too late."
"NTA. You have been very clear with him and he still messed it up. He probably knows it himself, but instead of taking responsibility, he just lashes out. It is a kind of faked incompetence so you will never expect anything again. He isn't stupid. He is intentional. My ex was the same; it took him four years to actually do it right. The four years previously, I would lecture him on everything he did wrong, but the last year, I simply gave up and showed him that if he didn't actually do better, I wouldn't care for him either. Then he actually did better."
"I guess I'm going against the grain here. YTA. You are not understanding that this man is incapable of understanding the nuances of your taste in necklaces, yet you expect him to. You literally should just be happy he tried to get you anything after years of you talking about necklaces."
The correct response would have been to be grateful and honored that he tried getting you a gift in the moment, then a few days later explain to him softly that it is not exactly your taste but he did a great job trying and that you are happy and proud of him for actually gifting you something when its not his thing. Then you GO WITH HIM to the store to return it and get a different one, then you can give him a big hug and thank him for getting you a necklace you want.
That way, you're both happy, and he feels appreciated, so he will likely try to do better next time or at least will WANT to buy you a gift again. The way you responded sucked, and there is no chance he even goes through the effort again at all.
Also, FYI, the fact you think you made it perfectly clear to him what a dainty necklace looks like is absolutely mind-blowing. An analogy would be if you sent him paragraphs in Russian five times a month and then, after two years, expect him to be able to converse with you in Russian.
Men (like myself) who have no need or interest in the slightest for jewelry can try their best to understand the nuances of what looks good and what doesn't, but the truth is, it looks like a piece of fucking metal to me. The only real metric I have is the price. If my wife wore jewelry (she hates it) and spent as much time as you did trying to explain what specific flavor or shape or whatever the fuck type of jewelry she specifically enjoyed, I would do my absolute best as I always do, but it would be a 100% gamble in the end if it ended up being right. This doesn't make me or any of us bad people; we just do not understand the appeal of jewelry.
You're lying in this post that you are upset that he doesn't get you gifts? He got you a gift, and you didn't want it. You are upset he doesn't understand your specific taste. And that is wrong as fuck."
Sheesh! There were a lot of hot takes there.
What are your thoughts on this situation? Have you ever received a bad gift from a significant other? Share it all with me in the comments below!
