What is 'negging'? Watch out for the toxic comments that could ruin your self-esteem
These days, if a dysfunctional behaviour is shown in a relationship, it’s likely there’s a special name for it. From ghosting and love bombing to ‘weaponised incompetence’, these terms are now commonplace, but have you heard of 'negging'?
The term recently went viral after dating coach Sabrina Zohar spoke about it on her TikTok page. The video, which has been viewed over 17,000 times, sees Zohar explaining that 'negging' is a type of emotional manipulation.
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"[It’s when] someone gives backhanded comments and compliments and insults the other person and tries to disguise them as 'constructive criticism'," she explains.
"What it does is makes someone feel vulnerable and question themselves."
TikTok users were quick to comment on the video, with one person saying they 'never realised' there was a term for this behaviour, while another said she 'ran as fast as I could' after a guy did this to her.
So, what is negging and what is the reason why some people 'neg' others in a relationship?
What is negging?
"Negging comes from the word 'negative' and refers to giving backhanded compliments or insults in disguise," says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, relationship expert at Paired.
"The term arose in 'pick up artistry' culture, and was suggested as a tactic used to pick up women. However, this isn’t a fun dating trend – it’s a toxic form of emotional manipulation and verbal abuse."
How to spot negging in a relationship
It’s easy to see your partner through rose-tinted glasses when a feeling like love is involved, and Seeger DeGeare says that signs of negging are often subtle and can be hard to pick up on.
Some examples and signs of negging include:
Compliments that make you feel unsure or uneasy
Frequent comparisons to others
Questions that cast doubt
Destructive criticisms (when the feedback or solution isn’t something easily implementable)
You’re always the butt of the joke
They say they were 'just joking' when called out
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The reason behind negging
If you are being negged and are being affected by the words your partner is saying to you, know that it is not your fault. Seeger DeGeare says that insecurity is the most common driver for negging, along with poor communication skills and a need for control.
"Typically the perpetrator feels the need to put somebody else down so this person is seeking their validation," she explains.
"While all instances of negging should be taken seriously, if this is an occasional occurrence in your relationship, building communication skills and working on empathy might help nip this in the bud. The victim should let their partner know how their comments are making them feel, and the perpetrator must commit to using alternative styles of communication while they build their self-esteem.
"In most cases, however, if you’re being negged or you find yourself negging someone else, it’s important to seek professional help from an accredited therapist or counsellor."
Impact of negging on relationships
"Whether it’s cruel words or a sharp tone, insults of any kind can damage a relationship – but negging is particularly toxic," Seeger DeGeare says. "Relationships are built on a foundation of trust, so when negging is perpetrated by a partner who is supposed to love and care for us, it can be especially harmful."
When we are in a relationship, they are often the person whose opinion we value the most, so the cruel words can be more impactful, which can hurt your confidence and self-esteem.
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"This can also be one of the hardest things to heal from once the relationship is over," Seeger DeGeare adds. "Because for some time you might have believed the comments and changed parts of yourself to make your partner happy. Some people adjust so much they hardly recognise themselves."
Break the cycle
If you notice that you have been negging your partner in your relationship, then Seeger DeGeare says you need to reframe the way you say things when and if you get frustrated.
"For example, let’s say your partner isn’t pulling their weight around the house. Instead of saying something like, 'You’re so much lazier than my ex! Why can’t you be more like them?', which is classic negging, you would say something like: 'When you leave your dishes out on the table, I get stressed because now I need to add your chores to my list or ask you to do them, which makes me feel like I’m nagging'.
"This way of approaching the situation is kinder, softer, and helps you protect your relationship, while still letting your partner know how their actions make you feel."
If you are experiencing gaslighting or any other form of emotional abuse from your partner, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visit Refuge for online resources.
