What are energy vampires and do we need to protect ourselves from them?

Energy vampires. Whether you've heard of them, know one, or don't want to become one, the new year brings with it less space for negative, well, energy.

While they might not suck your blood, energy vampires are known to drain all your emotional energy, leaving you feeling worse than they found you. The trouble is, without fangs and a cape, they're harder to spot among your friendship group, family, or colleagues.

Here, we consult mental health experts on what the signs of an energy vampire are and how to protect ourselves from one, while knowing when to draw the line and still allow some room for people's emotional needs.

What is an energy vampire?

For those who have seen mockumentary comedy horror What We Do in the Shadows, Colin Robinson, a day-walking vampire character who annoys his colleagues, will spring to mind. And for those who haven't, you may already be thinking of someone in your life.

"When we think about the idea of a vampire, it brings up the image of a creepy creature, whose sole focus is to drain our energy in order to supplement their own. These nocturnal creatures might look very different from our friends and family, flapping their wings and swooping above us," says BACP-registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer.

"But they provide us with an understanding of what an 'energy vampire' might look like. Someone who feels an innate drive to suck the 'energy' from other people and demand attention, in order to give themselves a boost."

What are the signs of an energy vampire?

It seems the energy vampire can come in a few different shapes and sizes, represented by Stephen Karpman's 'Drama Triangle'. "This helps us to recognise three main stereotypes of energy vampires," says Sturmer, who shares what they are.

1. The persecutor

"This is someone who we might recognise as a bully. Their words and actions are critical and mocking. A persecutor manipulates other people, and tries to pull their strings," she explains.

2. The victim

"This is someone who consistently seeks and demands help from other people. In a way that's out of kilter with the normal 'give and take' of relationships. That leaves us feeling exhausted and burdened by their demands, but full of guilt if we fail to deliver," adds Sturmer.

3. The rescuer

"And then there's this one. If we take this on face value, it would be surprising to consider a 'rescuer' as an 'energy vampire'. After all, who doesn't want to be rescued? But a rescuer saps our energy by trying to take control and solve all our problems for us. This leaves us feeling helpless, demotivated, and disempowered."

So how exactly can we tell if we're dealing with an energy vampire?

"The easiest way, is to think about how you feel when you're with them, or after you've spent time together. Do you feel energised, satisfied and content? Or do you feel stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed or exhausted?" says Sturmer, to give you food for thought.

"The caveat here, is that it's important to acknowledge that we all need support from those around us. And this will often come and go in our relationships. Sometimes we'll be asking for help, sometimes we'll be offering it. But the thing about an energy vampire is that the transaction of energy consistently feels like a one-way street, which we are powerless to stop."

How can we protect ourselves from energy vampires?

"It is important to recognise your own boundaries and to know it's okay to be assertive about how you spend your time and whom you spend it with. Whilst it can feel a bit uncomfortable you can also choose to end relationships with friends and even family if you recognise they are having a negative impact on your wellbeing," says clinical psychologist Dr Marianne Trent.

So, once you've identified the signs, you're within your right to think about some changes you might want to make. "If you’ve figured out that someone in your life is an energy vampire, it’s worth considering what you need to have in place in order to protect your own energy levels," says Sturmer.

The counsellor explains this can be done by setting practical boundaries, which determine the amount of time you spend with them or communicating with them, or setting emotional boundaries, which if the first isn't so easy to do with a long-term friendship or relative, will help protect your confidence and self-esteem when with them.

Here are Stumer's top tips for enforcing these two strategies:

Practice saying no

"An energy vampire often latches onto someone who struggles to say no. Maybe you feel uncomfortable or guilty saying no. Challenge yourself to start putting yourself first, and declining invitations to be sucked into the drama of an energy vampire."

Affirmations

"These can be helpful if your energy vampire gets under your skin and dents your confidence and self-esteem. Consider some brief positive statements that you can say to yourself to help you to bolster your confidence and limit the other person’s ability to damage it."

Visualisations

"If your energy vampire is prone to criticism, you can try visualising their words written on a piece of paper. Screw them up and throw them into an imaginary bin [or you could do it for real, as long as you recycle!]."

Staying calm

"If the energy vampire in your life gets you angry, try calming breathing techniques (e.g. five-finger breathing) to help you to rise above the difficult feelings that they trigger."

Hold one hand out, and with the other hand trace each finger up as you breathe in and down as you breathe out, until you've done five deep breaths.

Understanding the root cause of your reaction

As always, while you can't control somebody's actions, you can control how you respond to them.

"If you experience someone as an energy vampire, it's important to acknowledge that sometimes we play a role in being drawn into certain behaviours. If we think about the Drama Triangle idea of persecutors, rescuers and victims, think about what happens to you when you're faced with one of these players," Sturmer points out.

"Perhaps if someone has a victim mentality, you are drawn by an overwhelming urge to exhaust yourself by rescuing them. Perhaps if it feels like someone is 'persecuting' you, it leaves you spiralling into a place of helplessness and anxiety. This isn't about excusing unreasonable behaviour. But it’s about being curious about why we respond in the way that we do.

"If you notice yourself being regularly drawn into patterns of behaviour that sap your energy, consider exploring where these behaviours come from."

Where to draw the line

While yes it can be great to 'leave energy vampire's in 2023' (where possible), it's also important to be mindful of how far we're taking this, and not just cut anyone out our lives who requires some sort of emotional support or doesn't 100% agree with us. So how can we get the balance right?

"Relationships are all about connection, and often this involves supporting each other in our time of need. The distinction here is that when we are around an energy vampire, it leaves us feeling depleted. Whereas when we are in a healthy friendship, we might sometimes feel tired, but we will also feel valued, hopeful, empowered, supportive and supported. And we will know that if we needed help, our friend would be there to support us too."

So, we should get back what we give, in ebbs and flows.

"Some of us might have a more natural tendency to push people away than others," Sturmer points out. "This is often determined by our attachment style, our default behaviours that are influenced by our relationships with our earliest caregivers." Another thing to be mindful of before deciding to cut someone out or limit your time with them – why you're actually doing it.

For example, if you have an 'avoidant' attachment style, you might be more likely to push people away, as part of a strategy of rejecting them before they reject you.

But, having thought about it properly, are there any energy vampires in your life? "You are the main character in your own life and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and surrounded with people who help you to be at your best," adds Dr Trent.

• Read more: Mental health benefits of friendship as adults have just three mates (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)

• Read more: Dating a narcissist: Relationship expert reveals the red flags to look out for (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)

• Read more: These are the 4 attachment styles and how they impact your relationships (Yahoo Life UK, 2-min read)

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