Dating a narcissist: Relationship expert reveals the red flags to look out for

Love-bomber, breadcrumber, toxic – there are endless (negative) labels we can brand people we date with. But perhaps the most commonly used of them all, is 'narcissist'.

While, yes, there are many selfish people on the dating scene (alongside many great people), how can we know for sure whether someone is actually displaying narcissistic qualities or not?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) itself is a real condition after all, so we need to be careful before self-diagnosing partners. That said, being aware of the signs to look out for can help with understanding certain behaviours and deciding whether it's in our best interests to continue the relationship or not.

Here, we speak to British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP)-registered relationships counsellor, Lisa Spitz, about everything you need to know surrounding NPD, and what to do if you think you're dating someone with the condition (presenting similar qualities).

What is a narcissist?

"Narcissist, in my opinion, is an overused word to describe a deeply self-centred person whose sole focus is themselves and their own needs," says Spitz. "There is a scale in which narcissism exists that ranges from normal to abnormal personality 'disorder'. It is a commonly held view in psychology that a moderate amount of narcissism is normal and healthy.

"More extreme forms are when people are solely self-concerned or have a mental illness such as NPD. Figures of how many have this condition are unreliable as people can often hide their beliefs and behaviours (known as covert narcissism)."

Spitz points out that, according to The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5-TR), narcissists exhibit a nine-pointed criteria (of which they need to have at least five). The expert summarises this below in more detail.

The signs of a narcissist

1. Grandiose sense of importance; Overestimating their capabilities/holding themselves to unreasonably high standards/bragging/exaggerating their achievements

2. Frequent fantasies about having or deserving; Success/power/intelligence/ beauty/love/self-fulfilment

3. Belief in superiority; Thinking that they are special/unique/believing that they should only associate with those whom they see as worthy

4. Need for admiration; Fragile self-esteem/frequent self-doubt/self-criticism or emptiness/preoccupation with knowing what others think of them/fishing for compliments

5. Entitlement; Inflated sense of self-worth/expecting favourable treatment (to an unreasonable degree)/anger when people don’t cater or appease them.

6. Willingness to exploit others; Consciously or unconsciously using others/forming friendships or relationships with people who boost their self-esteem or status/deliberately taking advantage of people for selfish reasons.

7. Lack of empathy; Saying things that might hurt others/seeing the feelings/needs/desires of others as weakness/not returning kindness or interest that others show

8. Frequent envy; Feeling envious of others, especially when they are successful/expecting envy of others/belittling or diminishing the achievements of others

9. Arrogance; Patronising behaviour, behaving in a way that’s snobby or distasteful/talking down or acting condescendingly

Spitz also points out that while these may not be listed as criteria for an NPD diagnosis, other symptoms seen in those with the condition can include: fear/avoiding vulnerability, perfectionism and potentially a fear of failure, reacting with anger or rage when feeling criticised or rejected, faking humility to hide feelings/protect their sense of self-importance, avoiding situations where failure is possible or likely (this can limit achievements).

According to the NHS, a person with NPD swings between seeing themselves as special, and fearing they’re worthless.

How signs of narcissism can show up in a relationship

In terms of dating, Spitz explains, "You could be ‘love bombed’ in the beginning so they make you feel amazing and shower you with presents or attention. Then, after this initial wooing stage where they would have hidden their traits, they become more controlling and critical of their partner. Through their own sense of self importance/grandiosity, they could gradually seek to diminish and undermine everything about you.

"They can take any perceived insult to rage about their talent/contribution and be destructive in their relationships (not just romantic)."

Plus, Spitz adds: "If it’s always someone else’s fault and they take no responsibility for themselves or their actions then this is how they will treat/think of you. As Maya Angelou says 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'."

But what if they don't immediately show you? "It isn’t always easy to tell straight away as people can hide behaviours, but over time it does become more obvious. Slightly more men than women suffer from NPD, although as previously mentioned exact figures are unknown."

What causes Narcissism?

"NPD is a mental health condition and experts are not completely sure why it happens. Apparently there might be subtle differences in brain structure but they remain unsure if this causes NPD or is the result of NPD," says Spitz.

The counsellor points out that, at the moment, the main contributing factors include:

• Genetics – it appears to run in families

• Observation & imitation - children can mimic the behaviours and develop the condition

• Negative Childhood experiences – there may be a link between trauma, neglect, rejection, and lack of support can lead to NPD

"People are often unaware that they have NPD – it can however, take a stressful event for symptoms to appear, eg significant negative changes (bankruptcy/ demotion/losing a job), personal crises (breakups/ divorce), or other life crises (age-related illnesses/the ability to live your life independently)."

What should you do if you are dating a narcissist?

First up, it's important to be as sure as you can about what you're dealing with. "People label too quickly. If someone is self-centred or acting in their own self-interest we call them a narcissist. True narcissistic behaviour isn’t just this – someone in a relationship with a narcissist gradually has their self esteem eroded to the point that they completely lose their sense of self and it can take lots of therapy to come to terms with what happened and moving on," explains Spitz.

Being aware it is a real condition could help with empathy in some cases. "People with NPD often seek help because someone they care about asks."

But while this might work for some, and regardless of whether they have NPD or not, Spitz urges, "If you are worried that you are dating a person that consistently criticises you, is unconcerned with your feelings and belittles others for signs of weakness I would ask you to ask yourself why you are with this person.

"Consistent bad behaviour is unacceptable. Look around you to see not just how you are treated but friends, family and other people that they come into contact with."

Text 'Shout' to 85258 for free, confidential, and anonymous support with your mental health, 247. Women can call National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. Male victims of domestic abuse can call ManKind on 01823 334244. And to speak to LGBT+ anti-abuse charity Galop, call 0800 999 5428. If you are in immediate danger call 999.

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