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I want sex but you don’t

24 February 2012
I want sex but you don’t
I want sex but you don’t


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The more open and honest communication is within a couple, the more open and honest their sex life will be too. Mismatching in libido can cause serious problems in a relationship, so get up your courage...

I want sex, you don't want sex...

The partner with a higher sex drive can feel rejected and even begin to doubt their partner's feelings. They just don’t know what attitude to take to break that vicious cycle of “I’m in the mood, but you aren’t interested”. The high libido partner often won’t consider themselves as having a problem, thinking that the "other" is either not "normal" or doesn't love them anymore.

The partner with a lower sex drive feels obliged to respond to their partner's expectations. To avoid confrontation, they may start to avoid the other person, going to bed earlier or staying up in front of the TV or computer... feeling responsible for the tension within the relationship. Their lower sexual needs are not heard or understood by their partner and they feel criticised for this difference.

Sometimes the less sex-seeking of the two doesn’t even get the chance to show desire because the other more demanding partner is always the doing the initiating.

The complex world of sexual desire

Both partners are stakeholders in this situation and sexual conflict can occur if they don’t express themselves. Talking freely to create intimacy is vital for any couple - committed communication where emotions and feelings are expressed.

So, can this difference in sexual desire be respected and accepted? Or is it a sign of a sexual problem? Here's some points to consider, for those on both sides of the libido fence:

  • Why can't the more sexually-charged person manage to awaken desire in their partner? Sex is sometimes the only moment of intimacy in a relationship, so it’s vital to spend time together to keep this desire going.
  • Sometimes a slump in libido takes root in the absence of pleasure; memories of intense pleasure are what rekindle desire. Not experiencing pleasure is difficult to acknowledge and confess to your partner.
  • Sex with limited foreplay becomes a mechanical event, like releasing tension or an impulse, and doesn’t really signify an intimate moment spent together.
  • Some partners need sex daily as reassurance, like a need to be satisfied, in which case the other person can feel desired for the wrong reasons and rejects this kind of sex life where they doesn't feel really wanted.

Sexuality is a link between two beings, with honest communication a must, and criticism and complaints have no place. Everyone will their sexuality as they feel. How much love you have for someone can't be measured only by how many times you have sex... but sexuality can defnitely be enhanced by showing love and understanding...


Dr Hélène Jacquemin Le Vern

More information:
Women's libido issues
Revitalize your libido
Couples discussions

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