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Unequal libidos: What to do when your sex drives are out of sync

Couple close in bed - different libidos
Having different libidos is very common, but there are ways to manage this, say our experts. (Getty Images)

In an ideal world, we’d all be with someone who had the same sex drive as us – but real life isn’t like that.

In fact, studies show that one in three couples in Britain report a discrepancy in their libido – especially those in longer-term relationships when the honeymoon period with all those ‘in love’ hormones is over.

If that's you – congratulations then, you’re entirely normal. It doesn’t mean anything's wrong, and may not even be a problem. If it’s started to cause resentment or arguments, however you may want to address it.

We asked the sexperts for their advice on this age-old problem.

Read more: How a woman can enjoy sex whatever her age, Yahoo Life UK, 9-min read

Two pairs of feet in bed under duvet
Many different factors can affect our libido including diet, hormones, stress or medication. (Getty Creative)

Identify any underlying problems

“Often I see clients where the desire for sex is there, but there are other problems in the way,” says Marian O’Connor, sex and relationship therapist at the Tavistock centre.

There are many factors that affect our libido, from diet to hormones, to stress or even medication.

“Things like thrush can cause sex to be sore or painful,” adds O’Connor. “Or it could the fear of humiliation from erectile problems or vaginal dryness.”

Read more: Sex, washing and the weekly shop: What Brits WFH are fitting in around their daily workload, Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read

a young family walking on the beach
Major changes in your life such as a new baby, bereavement or redundancy can affect our libido too, say experts. (Getty Creative)

It’s important to think back to when you first started to notice a discrepancy in interest in sex between you. Has it always been this way or did this happen recently?

If the latter is true, have there been any major changes in your life? New baby? Job loss? A bereavement? Major life changes can really affect our libido.

“Shame is also a huge passion killer,” says O’Connor. "So check your partner isn’t stuck in body-shame – especially if there’s been a recent change to their body, say after pregnancy, an operation, or weight loss/weight gain.”

Re-define ‘successful’ sex

Couple on beach
Two key factors that make sex more satisfying are intimacy and mutual enjoyment – reaching orgasm isn't essential, according to our experts. (Getty Creative)

For many couples, ‘successful’ sex means sexual intercourse and/or both partners climaxing, but this can lead to unnecessary performance anxiety.

Actually, what makes sex more satisfying between two people is intimacy and crucially, both of you enjoying it. Sex is meant to make us feel good, right?

It’s important therefore to expand your notion of what successful sex means in your relationship and to explore the full repertoire of intimacy which might include cuddling, massages, oral sex, showering together or simply just enjoying a film on the sofa.

Although sex scenes in movies would have us believe otherwise, desire doesn’t just appear out of thin air, either; it needs to be ‘activated’.

Read more: A third of Brits fantasise about sleeping with someone else during sex - most common sex thoughts revealed, Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read

Two women embracing
We can't choose our natural libido so blame will only make the situation worse. (Getty Creative)

“It’s a bit like you don’t have to be starving hungry to eat breakfast,” explains O’Connor. "If you know you like eggs on toast and that’s going to be pleasurable, then the act of eating it releases the appetite.”

Start small and build up. “With a couple who have unequal levels of desire, I would start by looking at what is pleasurable with sex? I’d suggest just touching and caressing at first because once pleasure is stimulated, it gathers speed.”

Watch: Drew Barrymore: 'I still have no libido'

Stop the blame game

When we are in a relationship with mismatched libidos, it tends to go like this:

“The high sex drive person feels like a sex pest, and the low libido person feels like they’re always letting their partner down,” says sexpert Tracey Cox. However, this situation is nobody’s fault.

“The high-level person has naturally higher levels of testosterone and there’s evidence that our resting libido is genetic.”

So, besides the fact that we can’t choose our natural libido (although we can compromise of course), blaming or shaming is going to make the situation worse.

Read more: Kourtney Kardashian says she had sex for 90 minutes – how long should sex last for?, Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read

Young couple in lounge
Making each other feel guilt around sex is not going to help matters, say experts. (Getty Creative)

Kate Moyle, sexpert for sexual wellness brand, Lelo says: “It’s important not to position the problem as either partner wanting ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ sex, as creating feelings of guilt or shame around sex is not going to positively encourage you to want to have it.

"The gap is between you and can definitely be worked on, but attacking each other for your current position won’t help.”

To schedule or not to schedule?

Scheduling sex doesn’t have to be a passion killer, it can add anticipation throughout the day which can be a turn-on. Also, it can help stop the cycle of blame and guilt that often develops for couples with mismatched desire levels.

That’s if there aren’t other serious problems in the relationship. Knowing where you are, is key.

“If a couple comes to me and says, 'We want to have sex because we know if feels good when we do, it’s just life just keeps getting in the way’ then making a date may work well,” says O’Connor, “because for those couples it’s just a case of making time and commitment.

"If the problems go deeper however, then these need to be looked at first because otherwise one or both of you will come to the date and make an excuses not to do it. It will likely be excruciating and possibly do more harm than good.”

Which brings us onto…

Do the relationship work

Deeper emotional issues are more often than not at the root of couples’ sex life issues. Unhealthy dynamics in the relationship and lack of emotional connection breed hurt and resentment. The person with the low sex drive can feel like they’re being pressured and the one with the high-sex drive feels rejected and even angry.

“What’s very common,” says O’Connor, “is one partner wants to express intimacy with sex and the other person says, 'I feel sexual if closeness has been proven in other ways, like booking tickets for something, cooking me dinner, or getting home from work so we can spend some time together'.

"Or perhaps one of you is harbouring a resentment that you’ve been a misery guts with the kids.”

The bottom line is, if your sex life is suffering, it’s a very good idea to take an honest look at how do you both feel in the relationship: Respected? Seen? Supported?

Also, sex can be an uncomfortable topic at the best of times, especially when things aren’t going well, but it’s vital to be as candid as possible whilst being compassionate. Talk about likes, dislikes, boundaries, how you feel in the relationship… and above all, really listen too.

Couple on beach
Try to develop a mutual understanding of what sex means to each other, advise our experts. (Getty Images)

Empathise

Try to understand what desire and sex mean to each other.

As Moyle explains, “Often libido is connected to the personal meaning having sex has for us as an individual. For some it’s connection and reassurance that their partner still desires them… for others, it might be something that happens more occasionally and they can take or leave.”

Understanding how desire feels for our partners, therefore, is an important part of addressing the sex gap.

Moyle also suggests unpacking the routines and dynamics you're stuck in, because that’s where damaging beliefs about sex can occur that are not necessarily true.

“Often couples say things like, ‘You only touch me when you want sex,’ which might not be the case, but typically becomes the belief if one partner always leads sex. Talking and making an effort to understand the dynamics in your relationship can start to create a shift.”

Read more: Most popular sex positions: Expert explains benefits and orgasm potential of each, Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read

Hand-holding during sex
Open communication to understand each other's differing libidos is key, say experts. (Getty Images)

Sex in numbers

A great way of creating empathy is for each of you to assign yourself a ‘sex number’, so on scale of one-ten with one being the lowest, how would you rate yourself in terms of interest in sex?

“By giving yourself a number and knowing your partner's," explains psychologist Katherine Wilson, “you can start to see things more objectively. This can help prevent the mind-reading and assumptions that can occur, such as assuming that your partner never initiates because of their lack of sexual interest in you personally.

"We can use this information to make sense of patterns that have emerged: 'Of course I initiate sex more because I am an eight and he is a three!' It lowers the tendency to take things personally."

Keep in mind that the goal is not to determine who is 'right' or 'wrong' or whose behaviour is ‘good’ or ‘bad’, she emphasises. "It’s simply about trying to more fully understand your partner’s experience in the relationship. This can lay the groundwork for more compassion, honesty and ultimately problem-solving.”