"The Hot Wife And Mean Husband": This Couple's Counselor Is Sharing The Dynamics She Sees All The Time, And It's Fascinating
Recently, Maryland-based psychologist Dr. Angelica Shiels (@dr..angelica.shie) has been going viral for her deep-dives into what makes various common types of couples tick, and people are stunned by how accurately she's painted a picture of their relationships.
In her videos, she explores the hidden traumas and unvoiced needs that drive certain kinds of couples to be attracted to each other, and explains how these dynamics can lead to conflict.
Some of the types of couples she's talked about so far include the hot wife and the "mean" husband, the boss babe and and her hippy husband, and the critical husband and the hippy-dippy wife.
For example, in the case of the hot wife and mean/avoidant husband, she explains that problems can arise when, "The female's deeper feelings and needs can't help but bust through. 'You never talk to me,' she thinks, only she doesn't say that out loud because that's too vulnerable. She sets up a test to see if she doesn't talk to her man, how long will it take him to notice?"
"He's avoidant, so he doesn't notice. Or she's still so afraid of abandonment, if she's vulnerable, she keeps him at arm's length by criticizing or bossing him around instead of saying, 'See me, engage with me, care about me.' But he's avoidant, so he takes everything at face value and just gets super defensive. Like, 'What do you want from me? I just can't win.'"
(I've definitely known this couple, and her description is spot on.)
But she's not just focused on the problems that can arise in these relationships. Dr. Shiels also digs into the ways these couples can find healing and happiness together.
For example, she shares that the hot wife/mean husband pairing is actually one of her favorites to treat, explaining, "They both have deep wounds to be healed, and in the safety of a therapy office with parameters around the exercises, they're wide open to heal them."
You can watch the full hot wife/mean husband video here:
@dr..angelica.shie / Via tiktok.com
And in the comments, people are stunned by how accurately Dr. Shiels just described their relationship.
So many people mentioned sharing her content with their partners.
Like, she really nails it.
Dr. Shiels told BuzzFeed that she was inspired to make these videos after connecting the dots between her two favorite kinds of clients: couples and anxious kids. "Over the years, I began to notice that struggling couples tend to be grown-up kids with anxious attachment styles who never had their anxieties even acknowledged."
"I’ve also noticed that a lot of social media in recent years has been advocating 'self care' and 'setting boundaries' and 'establishing limits' and labeling others as 'toxic,' but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of messaging about understanding, tolerating risk, and offering support within a relationship."
"So I just thought, 'Why don’t I offer people practical ways to understand and regulate one another, and actually become more connected instead of becoming more protective and expectant of pain?'"
And though she uses her own terms for the partners she discusses in her videos, Dr. Shiels says she's based all of these archetypes on a specific combination of attachment styles, big-5 personality traits, and core beliefs. "I used known concepts in psychology and research, but completely made up silly names for each category, just to make them easier to remember."
"For example, I called the internalizing avoidantly-attached person with high conscientiousness and low neuroticism the 'clueless hero,' and the externalizing, disorganized-attached person with high neuroticism and low conscientiousness the 'hopeless puppet master.'"
She's also made videos about what these couple archetypes were like as children. "So many people resonated with these videos that I even made some videos about what those partners were like as children, and people really saw themselves in those videos, too. Just like in therapy, anxious-reactive and anxious-disorganized people really want to feel understood and know that they’re not alone, and anxious-avoidant people want to know there is a fixable and known reason they are having relationship troubles."
Yes, as a former anxious child, one of these videos absolutely cut me to the core, and no, I will not tell you which one.
She also explained how understanding these common relationship dynamics can help people heal. "A lot of people walk around fearing that they are defective, hopeless, invisible, or abandonable, usually from some combination of their biology and painful experiences. Learning about attachment styles, core beliefs, early experiences, and even inborn personality factors, all help people to realize, 'I’m not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with me. This is what humans predictably do when they’re scared, and there is a way to feel safe again.'"
"When both partners truly understand themselves and one another without condemnation, that little fear inside of them begins to take a backseat, and they can be more present and less reactive and defensive. I absolutely love witnessing when a partner takes a small risk to drop down her guard, and the other partner is regulated enough to openly lean in and validate it.
"Understanding where a person is on the core-belief-attachment map also informs what that person most needs in everyday life in order to stay feeling regulated and safe."
Dr. Shiels also cleared up a common misconception many people have about the role of couples therapy. "One of the most common misconceptions is that couples therapy makes things 100 percent comfortable, fair, and even. Although good therapy will provide understanding, exercises, and scripts to regulate one another as much as possible, complete comfort and fairness are neither constant nor guaranteed."
"There will always be one person who makes the first move to take down walls or give benefit-of-the-doubt or show appreciation or dare to be vulnerable. The good news is that even a small first-effort very quickly disarms the other person, especially if the therapist can skillfully check any faulty core beliefs, and after that, constructive engagement tends to snowball."
Finally, she says, "I also want people to understand that you don’t need to start out with secure attachment to have a great marriage. In fact, opposite attachment styles, like avoidant and reactive or avoidant and disorganized, tend to cultivate a lot of growth and deep connection!"
"One of my favorite couples theories, Imago Relational Theory, suggests that partners with opposite ways of dealing with their wounds, like a reactor and an avoider, are uniquely equipped to heal one another’s pain and challenge growth in one another.
"I recently got to witness an avoidant-hero husband, who grew up as the 'golden-boy,' loosen-up and rediscover his lost, playful, imperfect little-boy self, only because his disorganized-attached wife helped challenge his fearful passivity and make it safe for him to drop his always-carefully-calculated approach.
"Over the course of only a couple months, the husband became much more playful and flexible, the wife felt much more legitimately-enjoyed and actively supported, and their anxious child even became more at-ease. Transformative breakthroughs like these are why I love my job so much."
Follow Dr. Shiels on TikTok.
Have you ever been to couples therapy? What did you learn about yourself or your partner? Let's talk about it in the comments.
