Takes Notes: These Are the Most Common Stages of Dating, According to Experts
While it might seem a little antiquated to attempt to define the traditional stages of dating in this, the era in which polyamory is everywhere, every relationship is different. There is no "right" way to go about dating someone, and the traditional relationship escalator doesn't have to be the default. The way people navigate relationships is determined by so many different factors: how you were raised, your past dating experiences, your parents’ relationship—the list goes on. But if you’re stressed out and searching for a little roadmap to what a cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous dynamic usually looks like, that’s okay, too.
You might be curious about relationship trajectory questions like: Is it weird that we’re spending so much time in the “talking stage”? How do I know that we’re finally getting serious? Should we think about moving in together? And unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. That’s why you have to “listen to your intuition and follow your gut,” explains sex and relationship therapist Janet Brito, PhD, founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. Aka, tune into that little voice inside that tells you whether you’re on the right path.
And yet, following your gut when it comes to relationships can be easier said than done. “You have to decipher your way through learned social constructs that tell you how you should date and what script you should follow,” says Brito. But really, there is no linear program in the stages of dating. “It might take longer for you versus your friend to reach a certain stage. Whatever your path is, it's okay,” says Brito. As long as no one is being harmed in the process, you can do what feels right for you.
All that said, these are the stages of a (usually cis-het monogamous) relationship you’d see most often—both on-screen, in books, and a lot of the times, IRL—according to experts.
The Meet-Cute Stage
Whether you’re meeting IRL (at a bar, on the train, in a class) or via a dating app, the meet-cute stage is how you and the object of your affections meet for the first time—the beginning of the traditional dating path. (Think: "I love The Smiths" in the elevator in 500 Days of Summer, or a perfectly-timed opening line on Tinder.) After the meet-cute, you’ll probably (hopefully!) go out on an actual first date, kicking off the soon-to-be relationship.
“Most commonly, people are excited, curious, and enthusiastic at this stage,” explains Brito. Basically, “you’re feeling butterflies,” she says. And if it’s mutual and this person is into you, too? “Everything is amazing,” says Brito. It’s like you’re seeing a world full of rainbows and butterflies.
That said, “chemically, your hormones are helping you focus on the positives. You can’t see the reality of this person,” says Brito. In your head, you’re creating an idealized image of who they are, and your new crush can do no wrong. (Even if they, ya know, display some red flags…)
The Talking Stage
In short, this is that sometimes-awkward stage where you’re getting to know each other and going on more dates. “There might still be a question mark in your head, especially with dating apps always planting doubt and an abundance of options in your mind,” says sex and relationship therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of The Intimacy Institute.
Odds are, says Skyler, you’re asking yourself questions like: Is this going well? Is this a good use of my time? Is there somebody better out there? Do we have good chemistry? Can I imagine having a shared life with them?
It’s not called the “Talking Phase” for nothing! You’ll be talking a lot, figuring each other out, staying engaged and interested, says Brito. “You’re seeing this person for who they are, and you’re trying to make sense of your similarities—outside of the infatuation,” says Brito.
Depending on how comfortable you are, you also might start being physically intimate—like, you can’t keep your hands off each other. “This is a phase of yearning,” says Skyler. “As you get to know each other, you’ll want to become one through sex and spending lots of quality time together,” she explains.
The Situationship Stage
Honestly, not everyone has a situationship stage. (In fact, hopefully you can skip it and go straight to defining the relationship.) But for those who get stuck here (against their will, mostly), it looks something like this:
“Situationships happen when one person is more invested than the other, and they're not willing to see it yet,” says Brito. You’re still projecting, trying to tell yourself this is my person and ignoring all the red flags or signs, like them saying: I just don’t want a serious partner right now, Or, I really like you, but I’m not ready for you to meet my friends. It's a weird in-between where you're doing all the relationship-y things like going on dates, seeing each other often, and hooking up, but you haven't established exclusivity or put a label on your relationship. And while this might work for some people for awhile, eventually, if one of you wants something more serious than the other, this stage gets real old, real quick.
You might be repackaging this dialogue, telling yourself: Well, they might say they don't want a relationship, but their actions show otherwise. Or, If I can just hold out until they're ready to get serious… But honestly? “People tell you exactly who they are,” says Brito. “You just have to be willing to listen. This person is not ready to be vulnerable, to give and receive love,” she explains. The best thing you can do is *accept* that you’re in a situationship and that this person might not be willing to give you what you deserve. When that's the case, be open about what you need, and be willing to walk away if they can't give you that.
The "Defining The Relationship" Stage
Congratulations! You've DTR-ed. You might have had a conversation where you decided to be partners, girlfriend, boyfriend, you name it. You might be monogamous, or otherwise defining the terms of your sexual exclusivity. Regardless of the particulars, at this point you’ve decided that “you have similar long-term goals and that you want to do life together, as a team,” says Brito. At least, for the foreseeable future.
Whatever your differences are, you’ve recognized those, too. (The rose-colored glasses are gone now.) But ultimately, you’ve decided that you’re more alike in your beliefs, desires, hopes, and dreams than you are different. You want to make your relationship official.
The "Getting Serious" Stage
When getting serious, you’re talking about your hopes for the future. (Kids? Moving in together? Living in Chicago or Philadelphia?) It also means you’re probably going to meet your partner’s relatives, chosen family, and friends. (Technically, though, this could happen at any stage, even if you're in a situationship, making it all the more confusing.)
“For some people, meeting friends and family is very important,” says Brito. You might think: I’m not going to introduce you to the important people in my life until I’m sure that you're going to stick around. (“Especially if there are children involved,” says Brito.) Since you value your relationships with your family, friends, and your new partner, it makes sense that, ideally, you want them to mesh.
Another part of this phase to note? It’s also what Skyler calls the “getting real” stage. “You’re seeing how you both navigate childhood and past relationship baggage,” says Skyler. (Everyone has it!) And while it might be uncomfortable, navigating this aspect of a long-term relationship in a conscious and intentional way will only make your bond stronger, says Skyler.
Moving In Together
If it makes sense for your relationship, the last stage of dating might be moving in together. It signals that you’ve built up a deep trust and emotional stability, and you’re ready to share responsibilities and have tough conversations about things like finances, providing support to each other around your schedules, sharing household chores, and the like, says Brito.
But be warned: Cohabitating is no joke, so don’t rush into this stage. “Realistically, a lot of people move in together because they want to save money,” says Brito. But really, moving in together should be done intentionally. Are you moving in with them because you want to build a home life, so much so that you’re willing to forfeit your own, personal space? If the answer is mutually yes, you're probably ready to move in together.
At this stage, you’re really working on trust, intimacy, and vulnerability, says Brito. When you live together, you may discover that each of you have different needs that you didn’t know the person had before. No matter what, though? “The love you have for each other will hopefully carry you through,” says Brito.
Ultimately, moving in together can be the final stage of dating before your relationship turns into a long-term, cohabitating partnership, an engagement, or marriage. But remember: Relationships can and do evolve. You may move in together and decide you're happy with your arrangement long-term and feel no need to make it legal. Or you might chose to get married and then, later on down the line, open your relationship or experiment sexually. What works for one couple doesn't always work for another. Some couples might remain long-term, serious, exclusive partners but chose to live separately, and that's okay too! As long as everything is consensual and partners are communicating openly, there is no wrong way to date or have a relationship. But it's going to be up to both of you to advocate for yourself and express your needs and desires along the way.
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