20 Non-Monogamy Experiences From People Over 40 That Prove Open Relationships Are By NO Means A New "Trend"
Relationships are complicated enough in a duo. Can adding other people into the mix ever really work? More and more people seem to be thinking so. According to Match's 2024 singles study, 31% of single Americans have been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship.
Now, you can even specify the "kind" of relationship you're looking for on dating apps like Hinge. Open? Ethical non-monogamy? Polyamory? Relationship anarchy? New vocabulary phrases seem to pop up left and right in the ever-changing landscape for daters.
While the words used to describe these lesser-known relationship types are mostly recent inventions, the existence of these relationships is NOT new, as many Reddit users in the r/askoldpeople community were quick to point out. Recently, in-a-microbus asked older folks, "What's the longest you have seen an 'open' relationship last?" And their responses were not what I, a single Gen-Z'er, ever expected:
1."The longest open relationship I've known lasted 18 years. A gay couple, and they loved each other until the day one of them died."
2."I've been married to my wife for 23 years in June, and have been with my girlfriend for 18 of those 23 years. We do things together as a family unit, and we also do things as couples... We practice relationship anarchy, which is basically the blessing to have any type of relationship you'd like with another person (platonic, sexual, male, female, whatever floats your boat). It's not as hard to do as people think. Still, it is an advanced form of relationship that requires honesty to yourself and your partners, the ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and open communication..."
"In reality, you don't 'become' poly. You just 'are' poly."
3."I've seen some last for decades, and some fall apart quickly... Like all other types of relationships."
"But, for non-monogamous relationships, often when I see them fall apart, it's because one party was more into non-monogamy than the other. The mismatch is the issue. And I think there is more social pressure on people to be open-minded and nontraditional and try things like that nowadays, so we're more likely to see those kinds of failures."
4."I think it is more common than people realize. Many folks are in the closet about it, though, so not many people know."
"One of my best friends and his wife have been open from the start — going on about 15 years. He divorced his first wife, though (married too young, among other things) because he wanted it open, and she didn’t. They are both way happier now."
5."Our relationship was open for about ten years, and it was the most intense, intimate, trust-building thing either of us has ever experienced. We stopped because it took a lot of energy, and we just got too old. We've been married 40 years, and I wouldn't trade those 10 years for anything. It's not for everyone, that's for sure. It takes a very high level of trust, and you must have a strategy to manage jealousy. But it's the best thing for those who make it work."
6."I know an open couple of 20 years with two kids under 8. They are the happiest couple I know."
7."I know a couple who’s been together for 10 years; they had an open relationship for part of that time but closed it after a few years."
8."Long enough to have a kid. The responsibility fell to the less 'open-minded' spouse as the primary parent. The other spouse dated others while the parental spouse took on all of the extra duties. Eventually, that spouse and the kid broke off from the relationship, not a single parent or child. That was about a 12-year relationship."
9."I have a friend who is happily retired with their loving spouse of 40 years. They made some agreements with rules early on and abided by them, and as far as I can tell, they are both pleased with their relationship and lives together. They were realistic about what each needed and agreed to rules that respected each other's dignity. I think they're rare. I don't think most people know how to go that deep. But it worked for them."
10."I was with my ex for 8 years, and we were open. We aren't together anymore because he died from cancer. I've been with my current husband for 19 years."
11."I had friends who were married and open for probably about 15 years. At first, I really thought that they seemed like the model of an open relationship. Then, I got to know them better. Basically, he did whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted but heavily scrutinized the men she dated and was kind of rude about it. They split 10 years ago. He’s monogamously re-married, and she’s still single and openly dating whoever she likes."
12."I know an older couple who have been in an open relationship for decades, but their situation is unorthodox. Both are university professors but at different universities in different states. Every two weeks, one travels to the other for the weekend, but they are free to see other people in between, and both have at least one regular 'side piece.'"
"They're comfortable with their arrangement and as they have never really lived together as a couple. I don't think this arrangement feels weird to them."
13."My mom is poly and has had one consistent partner for 20+ years, plus a variety of rotating other partners."
14."20+ years is the longest non-monogamous relationship I've seen. They are both bi and mostly got married to please her parents since they weren't going to have children... They seem to have a very strong relationship and have been through a lot together."
15."I'm in an open relationship. We've been together for 7 years. My other relationships are entirely separate from my day-to-day life, and I'm sure no one would guess I'm in an open relationship or what I do with them. It's none of their business, so why would they?"
"My wife knows of the other people but has never met them. None of my friends have ever met them; the people I'm in a relationship with have never been in the same town as anyone I know."
16."I suppose my wife and I had what a person could call an open relationship. I always hesitate to call it that because people seem to think it means we allowed each other to do just any old thing, with anyone, at any time and that is far from the case."
"Anyway, our marriage was open from the beginning until her death 41 years later. We knew of couples who experimented with a similar kind of relationship, and their marriage eventually failed or only survived because they ceased having an open relationship. We also knew couples for whom an open relationship worked long term."
17."I was in an open relationship for two years. In the six years leading up to my wanting an open relationship, I was very happy in a monogamous relationship with my partner; he was super understanding and open-minded when I decided to experience an open one. After two years where only I had other partners, and he didn't because he didn't want to, things went back to being monogamous like before, and now I'm ok with it. I'm very happy in my relationship, and it's year 11. I'm hoping we'll be together forever."
18."I have friends who have been in a poly relationship for about 13 years, and they still seem reasonably happy. Still, I've seen other polyamorous relationships blow up."
19."My husband and I have been together 13 years so far and have been poly since our first date. We have plenty of friends who have been together longer than us. Some of our closest friends have been married for 19 years."
"The key is emotional intelligence, clear communication skills, and community. Also, an understanding that sex is a very small part of being poly. It’s about relationships first and foremost."
20."My wife and I are at eight years now. We have been polyamorous since day one. We both find monogamy boring and can't imagine being without each other. We have friends who've been in non-monogamous relationships for 12 and 15 years, too."
Have you ever been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship? What was your experience like? Tell us about it in the comments or anonymously with this form.
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
