When resilience turns toxic
If there's one buzzword that proliferated around self-help literature and the accounts of Instagram productivity types in the post-pandemic era, it's resilience: the ability to withstand hard things, or recover from them, stat. And, sometimes, this is a deeply necessary capacity – we'll all encounter episodes of life in which there's little choice but to slog it out.
Our culture's elevation of resilience at all costs, all the time, though, is something which can slide into toxicity. That's the opinion, at least, of Jodie Cariss, a therapist, author and founder of high-street therapy service, Self Space. Here, she fills Women's Health in on why that is, and offers another, softer way of thinking about moving through adversity.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity
WH: Can you define ‘toxic resilience?’
Jodie Cariss: Resilience is usually defined as a rigid ability to tolerate things we find difficult. It can veer into toxicity, though, when it's championed as something to aspire to, all the time. That's because resilience does not allow for us to be in contact with our vulnerability, which allows us to be flexible and strong. Resilience is rigid but it is also breakable, and can lead to feeling disconnected from people and the world, or to burnout. I think toxic resilience can be summed up by the phrase: ‘she'd give you the shirt off her back’, and that being seen as a good thing.
It can also be seen in behaviours like always putting others first; getting tasks done at all costs; working when sick; one way relationships and company cultures which promote working late and not taking holiday. Over time, it can lead to poor mental health.
WH: How can we identify ‘toxic resilience’ as opposed to healthy resilience?
JC: There is a disconnect, particularly in workplaces, in terms of what we are rewarded for versus what’s good for our wellbeing. Workplaces often reward personally destructive behaviours such as overworking, with celebrations for ‘going the extra mile’, which result in promotions and pay rises.
Worked through your lunch break or your weekend? Great! Didn’t take time off after a breakup or bereavement? Brilliant! There can be rewards in it for your resilience, but it can come with big trade offs for your mental health.
If you are feeling a lack of control or autonomy for how you’re allowed to show up at work, it can be helpful to check in with yourself.
Good questions to ask include: have you communicated your needs and nothing has changed? Why are you pushing yourself so hard to show you are not struggling? What needs are driving you? What needs are not being met? What anxieties are you holding about what other people will think? Are these based on your own values or the values of others, such as workplace culture, family or friends? Are your relationships outside of work or this situation suffering?
WH: Why has the concept of resilience become so focused on, in recent years?
JC: Businesses need their workforces to be resilient, because they are asking more and more of them, something we’ve seen culturally post-pandemic. Therefore it is in their favour for employees to be seen as resilient – and to foster cultures that celebrate that.
This has turned resilience into a badge of honour; one that does not centre the wellbeing of the employee. Factor in the cost of living crisis and on-going political instability and, naturally, we have become more orientated towards surviving, rather than thriving. And resilience helps us survive, but it wont help us thrive.
While periods of time might require resilience, to be healthy, long-term, our needs also need to be championed.
WH: What might the antidote be?
JC: A balanced approach to understanding our strengths and capacity, while accepting our limitations – and communicating these when we need to. Acceptance of our human-ness is incredibly powerful, in both the workplace and our personal relationships. This isn't to dismiss the fact that there will be times where we will be called to push through and carry on; really hard times are inevitable.
But it's important to know that this doesn’t need to be a constant state. There are times when resilience might be useful for you, such as getting through a funeral, a break up or tricky work situation, but the most important thing is to allow yourself to be on the other side too. To allow yourself to stop, to crumble sometimes, and be in contact with the part of yourself that is finding it hard to be resilient.
WH: What might you describe that as?
JC: I much prefer the term ‘buoyancy’ to resilience, as it allows for both of these experiences to exist. Having a sense of buoyancy is an ability to stay afloat, even when you’re in choppy waters. If you can imagine a buoy in the seas versus something resilient like fibreglass, a buoy might sometimes go under but return to the surface. Fibreglass, on the other hand, is resilient but can easily break.
Looking after ourselves daily helps us stay buoyant. I call this ‘mental maintenance’: those daily practices that fill our cups and keep us afloat when we’re experiencing challenges.
That could look like; moving your body, prioritising healthy sleep, connecting truthfully with someone and having a meaningful conversation, therapy, journaling, having the hard conversation and sharing when you aren’t doing well.
All of these actions, big and small, contribute to creating an authentic space for you to move within and stay afloat. This is the very opposite of the resilience dictum of ‘just get on with it’ even if you’re struggling desperately inside.
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