Readers reply: Why can’t I stop looking at myself on video calls?

Why can’t I stop looking at myself on video calls? It’s become obsessive, to the point where I have to turn off the camera. Daniel Brown, London

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Readers reply

As social creatures, we instinctively worry about how we are perceived, because of how this affects our status. Perversely, though, we can’t appear to care about this. Constantly checking there isn’t anything in your teeth, your glasses aren’t wonky and your makeup hasn’t smudged would look bizarre in a face-to-face conversation. However, on a video call, you can get away with this with nobody being any the wiser.

I would imagine a workplace only magnifies this. We cannot truly be ourselves at work – we have to be the “professional” alter ego that our customers, clients or employers want us to be. Work is also strongly linked to status – and, ultimately, in a capitalist society, survival. I highly recommend the podcast Status by Carl Honoré on BBC Sounds for an interesting and accessible insight into this. whiskey_echo

I frequently video-call with a colleague who shares his screen automatically; it’s just me on video and his face in miniature. He’s been doing it for years. It’s quite disorienting to be talking to myself, the wrong way around and with a slight delay. So, in my case, it’s because someone else is really bad at using Teams. Dorkalicious

The practical use for the small self-image is to check you’re centred on the camera and allow you to adjust the camera angle or change the chair position if you’re not. There isn’t an equivalent at face-to-face meetings; the other party chooses whether to focus on your face and hand gestures or shuffle their notes.

Online, it’s your job to make the basic non-verbal communication visible. If you’re checking your own image, it serves as a reminder of the basics. It’s often surprising how many forget (or did not realise) you should be looking at the camera when speaking. If you’re staring at the other party image on screen, it can look from a camera position as if you’re talking to their chest – rarely an ideal message. leadballoon

“Mirror, mirror on the Teams call, who’s the prettiest of them all?” CommanderGreg

I lean forward, to better see the others. But when leaning forward, I can now – thanks to modern technology, but no thanks, really – see my hair falling forward, too, now covering my front and ears. Which makes me look as if I’m having a bad hair day. While trying desperately to push my hair back with my fingers, in order to repair the damage, but actually making it worse, I still have to look at my image, as if into a pocket mirror.

I hear my boss saying: “So, are we all agreed on this?” I know that he cannot see me, for he is a narcissist; his eyes are turned forever inwards, so that he never sees anyone but himself. Even the space between his ears is an empty bubble where no one’s voice can resonate except his own. But what have we “agreed on” now? I have not been listening, as I was too preoccupied with my own image. In the long run, it won’t matter anyway, because my boss was too preoccupied with his little moving image, too. GreenTwilek

I always hide self-view. I mean, back in the before times, you’d never sit in a meeting with a big mirror in front of you. snowlover

Adding googly eyes just above the camera gives you something else to focus on. Mark_1023