People Are Sharing Their Reasons For Staying Single, And It's Starting An Important Conversation About The Shortcomings Of Modern Dating
Reddit user Ok-Fondant2536 recently asked, "Why do you stay single?" to the folks of r/AskReddit. Times are changing, and many people are more drawn to single life than traditional dating, relationship, and marriage commitments. These 22 people, in particular, have strong feelings about staying single (temporarily or permanently), and their perspectives are unique and worth listening to. Here's what they shared:
1."I'm 43 and pretty much done with trying to date. I stay single because it feels like everyone has a 'roster' these days, and ghosting is just the norm. A lot of people — not all, but many — seem tougher to connect with and are way more insecure. It's the same reason I don't have the social energy to be around people much anymore. I've learned to focus on my interests and hobbies. On the bright side, I'm saving a lot of money by not going out all the time, and I'm spending more time on things I enjoy, like scuba diving, hiking, and reading. I'm also putting more energy into expanding my education through courses. Most people I see dating just sit on their phones all the time."
2."It feels like people aren't good at dating anymore. It's a skill that was lost during the pandemic. Many people have unrealistic expectations about love, don't have communication or conflict resolution skills, need therapy, are too desperate, or the illusion of choice is skewing their perception (so many options, so why ever stick with one?) I'm not sure if this is as much of an issue nationally/globally, but speaking from my experiences with dating in LA."
3."I don't want to be single, but today's dating culture has forced me to. As a woman, men have shown me over and over why it's better to live in peace. I've gone on so many dates this year, and it is always the same: men only want sex, they don't want to commit, there's tons of love bombing, people slowly ghost, etc. The last guy I dated did it for me. He lovebombed me hard and led me on for three months. Afterward, he said, 'I don't feel a connection.' Mind you, he called me and texted me several times throughout the day every day, we went on several dates, had sleepovers, he said he was pursuing me for a long-term relationship, etc. After that, I lost trust in men, and now I'm at peace and focusing on my fitness goals. These holidays will be the most peaceful I've had in a long time."
4."Fear of change. Whenever I get one of those secret admirer profiles on Tinder, I think, 'Oh, she likes me. Nice!' then I close the app. If I swipe knowing it'll be a match, I'll have to talk to someone, then I might have to change my plans... I'm too far gone down the hermit's path."
5."A few factors have me staying single, at least for now. I like having my own time, following my own routine, and not having to work around someone else's schedule. I can eat what I want, watch what I want to want, and just decide how I spend my time overall without having to consider another person. I'm tired. I'm tired of dating apps, getting ghosted, getting excited about meeting someone I think is cool, only for them to check out right when I think I've found something meaningful, and neverending disappointment. I'm trying to practice more self-love. In my last long-term relationship, I gave too much of myself to my partner, and I lost my sense of self. I want to give myself time to rediscover who I am. I've spent too many years basing my self-worth on how I can serve my partner. I don't want to rush into another relationship and do the same thing."
"It's not that I don't want a relationship. I crave emotional and physical connection with someone, and I do feel lonely. But I'm just not ready to open my life and heart to someone else."
6."I want to be stable financially and emotionally before being with someone. I don't like holding people back or burdening them. Once I feel stable enough, I feel like I'll be ready."
7."From ages 16 to 24, I was caught up in rocky relationships that brought along mental health struggles. I've been single for the last two and a half years and never experienced peace like this. I'm sleeping soundly, eating well, meal prepping, exercising, and spending quality time with friends while deepening those connections. Old and new hobbies are back in my life, and my mind has never felt this calm. I've tried talking to a few men during this time and am genuinely trying to stay open-minded about others' challenges. But I've found that I'm often met with little to no respect, not valued, and even taken advantage of. I can't pretend to accept that anymore, just to avoid feeling lonely. It's not worth it. I hope to find love one day, but never again at the cost of my own well-being for someone who doesn't deserve it."
8."I'm not relationship material and don't want to be. I enjoy working hard, coming home, relaxing with dinner and some gaming/TV, then heading to bed. I do not like having my peace disturbed."
9."The reality is, a lot of long-term single folks are dealing with trauma and a lack of positive outcomes in the dating landscape. Being single is less painful than dealing with the soul-sucking rejection and lack of reciprocation that is dating in the modern world. People are opting out. In another 10 years, I think half the population will have opted out completely....as another generation comes of age during the hookup era of human history. Everyone has completely unrealistic expectations of who they are compatible with in terms of relationships. People chase looks, money, or status. They chase chaos over stability. Weddings are now Instagram princess parties where many women care more about their wedding photos than they do about the man they are marrying. And guys are only proposing because they know they'll have to start over if they don't."
"Very few people marry for the right reasons anymore. And if you stay single long enough, you start to recognize reality: You're just not compatible with the vast majority of the planet now. So, you resign to staying single and making the most of it."
10."I need to move slowly as a solo mom. Most people seem to want the relationship without the preamble. Lots of false starts."
11."I have problems with committing to a relationship. I've never cheated, but I get very sad in relationships, which is a problem. I'll quickly start thinking they don't want me around and stuff like that. Until I figure myself out properly, I'm staying single."
12."The divorce rate is way too high and devastating for me to risk marriage."
13."Decentering men from my life has given me exceptional peace. I am sick of the lies, abuse, manipulation, ineptness, emotional unintelligence, and never feeling equal. Every time I've tried dating again, I've been incredibly disappointed. I'm close to accepting that it won't happen for me."
14."I'd rather be alone than live a lifetime with the wrong person. It doesn't mean I've lost hope; the good one's out there somewhere, waiting for me, too. But I complete me, so I'm still happy as-is."
15."I'm still focusing on myself. I definitely feel lonely, but I'm at an age where I need to start looking for long-term relationships, and I want to make sure I'm really prepared for that. There are some kinks in my personality that I need to work out a little bit, all relating to self-confidence and self-worth. I'm not confident in myself, which could lead to a very dependent relationship. I don't want someone to feel like they constantly have to reassure me that they like me because I have no confidence in myself."
16."Everyone I meet is looking for something casual, a hook-up, or 'no strings attached.' I've been hurt enough times by now that I also don't want anything more than that. I don't want to get emotionally attached to someone and get heartbroken again. Life is easier having fun and keeping people at a distance."
17."Because I don't want kids, and the men I've dated and watched my friends date require so much emotional labor that it's like raising a child. Not all men are terrible, but there is a huge maturity gap and seemingly insufficient incentive for many men to close it. I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll eventually find a man to date who meets my standards, maybe a woman (yay, bisexuality). But at this point, I'm pretty happy on my own and will not put forth much effort to find anyone."
18."Once you learn to be content with being alone, it's almost impossible to make that room again in your life for someone. I mean, you certainly can make that room. It's just hardly ever worth it. We fall in 'real love' twice or three times if we are lucky in this life."
19."I see people have unhappy, toxic, and dependent relationships built on worship and dedication to the wrong people, and it has deterred me. I value freedom."
20."I've been considering getting a smaller bed, and I don't like people touching me when I sleep, so I either have to keep the king size or get a full one and stay single. To be honest, I could be comfy in a twin. I don't move around much."
21."I've worked so hard for the stability, tranquility, and peace my home brings; letting someone in to disturb that is frightening. Right now, I've got a foot in the door at my dream job, so that's where my focus is. I prefer wrestling with occasional feelings of loneliness rather than using someone for temporary satisfaction. Casual is not a lifestyle I like either. I'll try most things once, but I've learned more about what I don't want."
22.And: "I don't know if I would say that I 'choose' to stay single, but over the years, I've become more okay with it. I briefly dated someone a few months back, but unfortunately, it didn't work out. I no longer tie my self-worth to my relationship status, and I wish I had learned to do that sooner. I'm open to the possibility if I'm with the right person, but I'm not in any rush."
Are you choosing to remain single? How come? Tell us in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
