What are the major red flags to look out for in a relationship?
Whether you're fresh on the dating scene or in a long-term relationship, you'll likely have heard the term red flag. An age-old saying, it basically describes little habits, traits, or issues to look out for in the person (or persons) you're dating. Aka, warning signs that suggest somewhere along the line, things could go awry. They could signal anything from incompatibility as a couple, to abusive behaviour, being secretive, to gaslighting.
When you first make it official with a new partner - and you're in that hazy, fuzzy honeymoon period - it can be easy to ignore any red flags in your relationship. Instead, it's simpler to focus on the positives, pushing any doubts about your compatibility to the back of your mind. And while it might be fun to stay blissfully ignorant for a while, there are some potentially toxic relationship red flags that you shouldn't ignore.
With that, you're probably wondering what constitutes as a major relationship red flag, and how you can spot the all-important signs. We asked the experts to explain...
Red flag: You constantly feel unhappy
It might seem obvious, but if you're feeling unhappy most of the time in your relationship, it's probably a sign that something is wrong.
Relate counsellor Holly Roberts explains that "the initial signs that a relationship isn't right can be quite subtle." If you have a "niggling feeling that you just aren't ever happy and there's no joy shared between you and your partner," Holly notes that it might not be the relationship for you.
Red flag: Your partner always wants their own way
Look, no one is perfect, and when you're in a relationship - especially a long-term one where you're more comfortable expressing your wants, needs, and opinions - you're inevitably going to clash at some point. But, if one partner is always getting their own way and not taking the emotional needs of their other half into consideration, it's giving red flag vibes.
Holly says that if you're always doing what your partner wants to do and not what you want to do, "this might be a sign of controlling behaviour." Especially if your partner is outwardly or subtly preventing you from doing the things you want to.
Red flag: You only spend time with each other
While you and your partner may love each other's company, it's important that you both spread your social wings from time to time. On a more serious note, only seeing each other and nobody else could be a sign of controlling behaviour or an unhealthy co-dependency on each other.
"We all need external influences and support in our lives," Holly explains, "so if you're only talking to your partner, that sense of isolation from others and an over-dependence on each other can be really toxic in a relationship - and it can leave you feeling vulnerable if something goes wrong."
Plus, if you feel that you can't confide in friends and family about problems in your relationship, or you filter what you say to them, this might be a consequence of being manipulated or controlled by your partner, explains COSRT-accredited psychosexual and relationship therapist Clare Faulkner - even if you don't immediately realise it.
Red flag: You've got nothing to talk about
Nothing says incompatibility like quickly running out of things to talk about with each other. Granted, a relationship needs to be comfortable in silence, but if you are literally (and regularly) at a loss for words, it might be a sign that you just aren't right for each other.
Similarly, if you're having really one-sided conversations i.e. your partner only talks about themselves and you provide all the support, it's not a good sign either. It could show that your partner is incredibly self-centred, or they might be overly dependent on you for support, says Holly. "Energy vampires sap your emotional strength," she explains, "and you need to be supported too!"
Red flag: You notice a change in your self-esteem
If you notice that your self-esteem is lower than usual, it might be difficult to pinpoint exactly why that is. However, in terms of your relationship, truthfully ask yourself if your partner is giving you enough appreciation. If you feel you deserve more recognition and attention from the person who's meant to be there for you the most, chances are, it'll impact your self-esteem.
"When your partner doesn't reflect your value back to you, it can be hard to see it in yourself," explains Clare, and if they are damaging your esteem then it's a sign of toxic behaviour.
Red flag: Your partner undermines you and puts you down
As well as damaging your self-esteem, if your partner is constantly undermining you or being competitive with you, then it's not a sign of a healthy relationship. And if they don't respect you, it should be an absolute deal-breaker.
For example, your partner might be constantly blaming you for things or keeping a 'scorecard' of things you've done wrong. Claire explains that "this might be used as a form of manipulation, to make you feel guilty, or as a way to control you." This kind of behaviour is an example of gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse.
If you think you're experiencing gaslighting or emotional abuse, make sure you reach out for help. An easy place to start is to call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247.
Red flag: You can't tell your partner how you really feel
Sure, it can take some people longer than others to fully open up to a new partner. But if you feel that you can't share your feelings with them, think about why this is. "For example, you might feel scared to voice your thoughts because you think your partner might laugh at you or criticise you," suggests Holly, which isn't how a healthy relationship should work.
Additionally, if you find yourself changing who you are to fit with your partner, take a step back. As Holly says, "If you're not able to be yourself in the early days, then you might become someone that you don't recognise years down the line."
Red flag: You don't trust each other
A lack of trust in a relationship is never a good thing. Period. If you don't trust your partner, it can leave you feeling constantly stressed, worried, and upset. And these are definitely not the foundations you want to build a relationship on, right?
But on the flipside, if they don't trust you, you might feel that they are constantly watching and monitoring you - leaving you feeling restricted and suffocated, Holly explains.
What should you do if you spot red flags in your relationship?
"If you spot warning signs that your relationship isn't quite as happy as you think it should be, then try to talk to your partner about what you're feeling," advises Holly. This might be helpful if you want to resolve some small issues that you think might make your relationship better.
However, if the red flags that you spot are pointing towards an unhealthy or toxic relationship, or you feel unsafe, then the healthiest and safest thing to do might be to end the relationship.
If you think that your relationship is abusive, you can reach out for help from organisations like Relate and Women’s Aid, or call The Freephone 24-h National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247.
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