‘My partner cheated on me while I was pregnant - he’s a decent dad but completely thoughtless’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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I have two kids. One from my previous marriage/decades-long relationship. Another from the relationship I've been in since my marriage ended - nearly four years - the baby wasn't planned, but we decided to try and make things work. My partner and I both have our own issues, from traumas to neurodiversity, but the issue is that he cheated on me nearly two years ago when I was pregnant and very depressed. He hooked up with a guy over twice our age, they took meth and had sex. He'd known the guy previously and had been friends with benefits, but I believe the guy moved closer to us deliberately and now they live very close to us.
We have tried to make it work since, other than when we took a break when the baby was born. He is working hard on his career and being a decent enough dad and stepdad, but he chats to all his exes, watches a lot of porn and is pretty much just thoughtless. Also, I don't know why it bothers me so much, but he immediately follows every woman he meets on Instagrams and likes people’s bikini pics.
He thinks counselling will help, but I'm wondering if it's even worth it as I don't see a future where I'm respected or where I can trust him. Do I keep going for our family’s sake and try counselling or do I cut my losses and be a single mum again?
Lala says…
There’s a lot to unpack here. I don’t want to put much focus on the fact that he cheated with a man, I think infidelity is the same no matter who you cheat with. Of course, if you’re unaware that your man is into men then it would be extremely shocking to discover he cheated with a man, but if you were already aware that he’s bisexual then there really is no difference. Cheating is cheating and it’s hurtful and painful. The fact that he did it when you were pregnant and very depressed shows a real lack of respect and care. Pregnancy can be an intense and worrying time for Fathers too but to react by taking meth with an ex is pretty extreme.
The fact that they were taking crystal meth is concerning. Any class A drug use is potentially problematic but crystal meth is quite an unusual, extreme, and dangerous drug. In the UK meth use is rare, though it’s on the rise. Methamphetamine is highly addictive and is commonly used as a ‘chemsex’ drug. Was that a total one off or is drug use also an issue here? If it is, then of course that would add to the list of reasons for not fighting to make this work. Crystal meth and parenthood don’t mix.
You said that you don’t know why it bothers you so much that he follows and likes pictures of every new woman he meets but it makes complete sense that this would upset you. It’s an odd thing to do, but it’s especially odd because this is a man who is allegedly trying to rebuild your trust after his infidelity. Going around following random women on social media and expressing his approval of their bikini pictures is not conducive to building trust at all. It shows little effort or acknowledgement on his part of what he put you through.
Talking to all of his exes is odd in this context, particularly because he cheated with someone he used to see, so I can also understand why that bothers you. Watching a lot of porn isn’t always problematic but if it’s at the point where a partner has noticed and feels like it’s getting too much then it clearly just adds to the list of concerns. He sounds quite chaotic and as though he may be vulnerable to addiction, he certainly sounds like he is dopamine chasing and looking for highs outside of the monotony of family life.
I think the key here is that you find him thoughtless, he doesn’t consider you or do things to make your life easier, he doesn’t think about you and helping you in the way that you’re constantly having to think about him and your children. Crucially, on top of all of this you mentioned not feeling respected and not being able to trust him. Counselling will not make a man respect you, but, in relationships where you really want to fight to make things work then couple’s counselling can be helpful. But it doesn’t sound like you feel that there is much more holding you together than the children, and therapy is not a magic wand.
Nothing you’ve said makes it sound like this relationship is improving your life, it doesn’t sound like a partnership or a team. It sounds like you feel undervalued, under-considered, and anxious about who he might be talking to or meeting up with. Have you properly communicated all of this to him? It sounds like you have and he suggested therapy, but what has he done in the meantime? Did he book the therapy? If not, what is he waiting for? Since he betrayed you two years ago he has continued to actively behave in ways that make you question if he will cheat again and it sounds like he’s put in no effort at all to rebuild your trust. How long are you willing to wait for things to change?
The fact that you only consider him to be a ‘decent enough’ dad and stepdad says something. None of us are perfect parents but only mustering up ‘good enough’ is a poor effort. He sounds like he has some work to do on himself and that you can’t feel like you’re thriving while you’ve got the stress he brings hanging over you. Relationships shouldn’t make life feel harder. If he’s only a decent enough father and a barely decent partner what is that modelling for your children? If one of them ends up in a relationship that makes them feel like the one you’re in now, what would you advise them to do? Do that.
