People Are Sharing The Heart-Wrenching Reasons They Refuse To Leave Their Unhappy Marriages
We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community, "What's your reason for staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy?" Here are their emotional responses:
1."I've been married for 35 years and always think about divorce. I'm miserable. I've done pretty much all the household chores, raised our three kids, and managed to work a job outside the home. My husband works a lot, but that's always been his choice. He rarely helps with anything — he never has — and I'm so sick of it. He's emotionally unavailable. When he comes home, I have to listen to him go on and on about his day, but he never asks about mine. He treats me like I'm not worthy of his time. I guess we stay together because of the security. We own a beautiful newly-built home and a large amount of property. I honestly don't think he wants to lose any money, should we divorce. That's his only goal in life: money."
—Anonymous
2."I've been married 13 years, and I married him because I loved him, not because of what he had. He has been laid off from work for months. The reason why I don't want to divorce is because the Bible is against divorce. I tell myself daily that it's not all about having money or living like you're rich because the vows are 'for richer or poor' and 'in sickness and health.' A family member said I was a fool because I didn't want to divorce him. After all, he doesn't provide for me or give me anything. I told her I'm nobody's fool. Love is love; if it's meant to be, you stay with your person. Life is what you make it, not what you can provide. I'm so tired of people being judgemental because they're unhappy with their lives."
—Anonymous
3."I've been married for 17 years and have three kids. My significant other and I haven't slept in the same bedroom for a few years now. Our kids, I'm sure, can see they don't have parents who are in sync with each other. Our communication is rare and only about the kids. We probably would have gone our separate ways five years ago, realistically. We don't plan to get a divorce due to financial reasons and the kids. Our kids are so busy with various sports that I don't even think we could make this life work any other way. Not only would the kids have to deal with going from home to home, but they would also have to deal with a lifestyle change."
"I know we are not a great example, but I figure this is the best we can do for now. We plan to wait until the kids are grown and then go our separate ways. I am fine being 'alone' (while married) for the kids' sake."
—Anonymous
4."We've been together for 20 years. I would have left him 10 years ago, but he's never been able to hold a steady job, and he has no one to live with. If I left him, he'd end up on the streets, and as unhappy as I am, my happiness can't be traded for that kind of misfortune for him. I feel like I'm stuck caring for him because he can't do it himself, and there's no one else to help him."
—Anonymous
5."This marriage has been death by a thousand cuts. I would have been out of this long ago if our circumstances weren't what they are. At the end of the day, I'm stuck here because I simply can't afford to live on my own. The average rent is about twice my mortgage costs; we have a child, and I would need to find something in our district to prevent any further upheaval in their life. Sadly, everything is well out of my price range. Maybe I have enough for a single person, but I don't have nearly enough to provide for my child. And while I simply cannot fathom ever rekindling anything with my spouse, I don't hate him enough to clean him out. He would be unable to find a place alone, either."
"My child graduates high school in eight years, so I just have to bide my time until I can sell my house and move on with my life. So, instead, my spouse and I are nothing more than business associates running the operations of a domestic partnership. It sucks, and I hate every minute of it."
—Anonymous
6."My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers, and we've been through so much together. I honestly would not have survived the last few years without him. But if it weren't for our kids, we probably would have separated years ago. We both had very poor upbringings and watched our parents go through very bad breakups that resulted in both of us growing up without our fathers. We are in a position to give our kids a life we didn't even think possible, and if we were to separate, it would destroy their lives. We'd have to leave our community and its amenities; we couldn't afford to fund two households in our current neighborhood. Plus, our kids would have to leave their school and friends."
"He's not the love of my life, and I'm not his, but we still love each other. We still work well as a family, so we stay together. There is no bitterness. We don't fight; we've just grown apart. Maybe things will change one day. We will either find our way back to each other or decide to move on, but right now, we are content with how things are and have accepted our situation."
—Anonymous
7."The short answer: I have become severely and permanently disabled. We have been married for 20 years, and for the first 10, I was fully nondisabled. In the last 10, I have lost most of my eyesight and independence. I will likely be totally blind in a few years. I have been dealing with depression because of the loss and have turned into a bit of a hermit. It's' hard to say if our marriage would be happy and loving if I were the same person as before my disability. Now, we are just good friends and roommates. I need (affordable) medical insurance, and we own our home with a reasonable mortgage payment. Our combined finances provide stability and security. I am not happy, but I am safe, and while there is no love, there is caring. A divorce would not guarantee happiness, but it would guarantee more stress and a struggle to survive."
—Anonymous
8."We got married right after I finished school, and we made about the same amount of money. Almost 10 years later, my career has taken off, and I bring in 80% of our money. No prenup. We have saved and invested 'our' money. I'm afraid that I will have to start over and pay alimony. I'm so tired of being the breadwinner while being expected to play the perfect wife. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be married to him or anyone else."
—Anonymous
9."We're not married, but common law. We've been together for almost 10 years. We've lived together for eight and bought a house together three years ago. With the current housing market, selling the house and splitting just isn't a good financial decision. We'd both end up living in small apartments (I'd like to point out that we make a combined $215,000/year). We have a good friendship; we still watch Netflix and eat dinner together. We haven't told our families that we split. We are now sleeping in separate bedrooms. Emotionally, though, it's tough for me. I'm still hoping that one day, we'll work things out."
"Nothing happened; he just shut down and stopped loving me. Seeing him every day makes getting over him so hard. I'm still in love with him. We can't date and meet other people (who would want to come into that situation?), and I know I'm not ready anyway. I'm battling a lot of depression and anxiety because of this, so I don't know if it's sustainable. Honestly, even though we get along, it's like being in hell. I've been reliving the pain of our split every day for about a year now."
—Anonymous
10."Sometimes, things just become too evident to ignore. I had felt things changing for a while. The spark was fading; the love was fading. We had settled into a comfortable routine. I'm unsure if that is always the beginning of the end, but it sure seemed like it was for us. I don't blame her for drifting apart. People evolve, and I guess we've started moving in different directions. Our kids are 7 and 11. We seem like a happy family. I don't know if she is as unhappy as I am. There are signs, I suppose, like how she stopped decorating for the holidays. I had really hoped I could provide a stable home for my kids. I guess that's really what keeps me in the marriage. The thought of not being there for my kids breaks my heart. So, I guess I have to reframe my idea of marriage to be a roommate situation."
—Anonymous
11."After 20 years together, 18 married, I don't think either of us is really happy. My family looks down on separation, and I would lose all my important relationships. The goal is to finish raising my kids and get a good job after being a stay-at-home mom, and after that, we will see. It was because I was afraid to be alone for a while, but now it's about the kids."
—Anonymous
12."We had two young kids and had to relocate for his career when he was almost laid off. With him as the self-proclaimed breadwinner and me working in government/public service for loan forgiveness, it seemed logical we'd have to go where he could find a high-paying salary, even though neither of us really wanted to move. I stayed back with our kids and sold our house, which needed extensive renovation, while he rented a furnished apartment funded by his new company and played video games for a month. Once the kids and I moved into a rented townhome with him, he was terrible. While looking for work and waiting for my license, I was stuck at home with kids in a city I barely knew in the middle of winter. I was never thanked or appreciated."
"I spent countless hours researching where to buy our new house, only to be told I was being greedy for asking for a budget when his parents offered to help (but they refused to tell him how much they could contribute). It was terrible, and I wanted a divorce then, but I got pregnant with our third kid because the OB where we lived had refused to fill my Rx before we moved.
It's five years later, and I'm happy with my kids and love my son, but that period was challenging. Things haven't gotten better. I do most of the work to raise our kids; he does things like the dishes and takes out the trash. He claims to be an equal partner. I showed him Fair Play about three years ago and explained how burnt out I was from the mental load. He flipped out and has never been the same. His inability to show empathy and his tendency to take everything as criticism has killed any feelings I ever had for him.
We tried couples counseling, but it made his attacks even worse. It has gotten to the point that whenever I bring up any issue I have, he explodes and verbally abuses me. I'm to the point where I cannot take much more, but I have no one else to help me. My mom died almost two years ago, and I don't have any sisters or female relatives. We are married because of our kids, and we both need the other for childcare/work."
—Anonymous
13.And: "I did eventually get divorced and am super happy now, but I stayed with my ex five years too long out of fear — fear of disappointing my family by failing 'yet another' relationship. Fear that I'd never had a long-term relationship because I was somehow bad or wrong in how I think or in how my brain works. I feared that he was right, and I was just like that movie, Runaway Bride. He used my fears and traumas to keep me with him. My fear for our daughter is the only thing that was strong enough to throw me out of the shame and apathy spiral I lived in."
—Anonymous
Are you stuck in an unhappy marriage? Why is divorce not an option for you? Tell us your story in the comments, or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
