Parents Reveal The Moment They Realized They Owed Their Kid An Apology
Parenting is hard.
Knowing when to admit to your mistakes as a parent and apologize to your child demonstrates strength and sets a great example.
But apologizing isn't always easy, especially when it wasn't part of your family dynamic growing up or if you struggle with acknowledging your own mistakes and imperfections.
So, I asked parents of the BuzzFeed Community, "Parents — share the moment you knew you had to apologize to your child." Here's the feedback, as well as comments from some Reddit users:
1."Really, any time I feel like I've done something wrong — the biggest thing is when I'm out of patience and I snap and yell or whatever. Afterward, I will sit them down and say that I was wrong and I shouldn't have done that, etc., and I hope that is something they will remember and appreciate. I don't remember my parents ever apologizing to me. Ever."
2."Almost every day. Anytime I do something wrong as a parent. I never want my kids to believe I think I'm perfect or don't believe I have to take accountability when I mess up. I also don't want them to believe they can't apologize when they screw up."
3."I apologize to my kids every time I do something that upsets them, me, or was just not intentional. Did I step on your foot while chasing you? Apology. Did you accidentally spill the milk? I tried to help you but made it worse because we were taking two different steps. Apology. I grew up without my parents really apologizing for anything. Same with my husband. His mom still rarely apologizes. It hurts him when she doesn't and just walks away because she is not in the mood to be called on her shit, or she made a simple mistake that she can't admit to. I saw how much this bothered him while dating, and we both agreed to apologize when needed. By doing this, my kids apologize to everyone without even thinking."
4."Apologize when you need to; it’s pretty simple. I grew up with the 'parents should never apologize to kids no matter what' mentality, and even then, I knew it was bull. I remember one time I made a joke about my son. It must have been too far. He very calmly came to me later and said he knew it was a joke but didn’t like it. I could see I hurt him and immediately apologized. We talked and hugged, and that was all better. I make a mistake, I apologize. My kids are people, too; they deserve respect."
5."I apologize to my kid in every situation where I'd apologize to an adult. Small stuff, like if I interrupt him or accidentally step on his foot, and bigger stuff, like where I lose my temper or if I accuse him of not having brushed his teeth when it turns out he has, lol. He is nine and apologizes freely, too, and most importantly, without shame! I really believe the only way to teach a child respect is to model it."
6."After taking a behavioral psychology course in college (as an adult with high school-age children), I learned that rewarding positive behavior works better to change behavior than punishing negative behavior. As a kid, I was spanked, and my friends and I all spanked our kids (this was in the '70s). When my daughters were adults, I apologized for using corporal punishment and for other shortcomings as a parent, and to my surprise, they said they didn’t even remember being spanked! At any rate, I am now 79 years old, and they are in their 50s. We are extremely close and are in contact most days. I’m glad they forgave me for my shortcomings as a parent."
—Anonymous
7."I apologize to my three daughters all the time. Growing up, I never heard adults apologize. I had wonderful parents, but they only recently started apologizing for things from when I was a kid — I’m 36. I also work at a school and constantly encourage teachers and parents to apologize to the kids. It teaches kids that they deserve to be respected and that there is nothing wrong with admitting when we make a mistake."
—Anonymous
8."I’ve been apologizing since they were little, both in words and actions (of course, I don’t always get it right). It’s a continual learning process! Apologizing to a toddler is a different animal than doing so to a teen. I’m so glad they know they can call me out when I forget to or don’t realize I hurt their feelings or messed up. That’s not something I had in my own childhood, and it’s a win I absolutely celebrate in theirs! They follow my lead and work to make things right on their end as well. I was very touched when my oldest mentioned working out a thorny issue with a friend and acknowledged their part. Respect goes all ways."
—Anonymous
9."I always have apologized. Sometimes I have to swallow my pride a bit, but I know it's the right thing to do. I am human, I make mistakes, and I think it's important to have a relationship built on mutual respect."
10."Yup! I don't usually have much to apologize for (other than the 'sorry the situation changed, and I'm sure this is disappointing you' kind of thing or 'sorry for accidentally bumping you'). But the other day, I saw a stray jellybean when she dumped out her Easter candy bag to pick her after-dinner piece. I snagged it without thinking, and then her eyes darted to me, and she was like, 'What did you just do?!' And I blurted out, 'Nothing!' I don't even know why I lied; just all of a sudden, I panicked about getting in trouble with this 3-year-old, and man, having to realize that I genuinely needed to give a real apology to this kid for stealing her stuff and then lying to her sucked. But I did do it. I want her to do the same; how could I do otherwise?"
11."Yes! If I make a mistake or do something wrong, I own up to it, just like I would expect my son to do if he did the same thing. It's generational...my dad and his sister, and then their mom (my grandma), never apologized; they would always skew it to 'I'm blunt,' or, 'It's just my opinion.' My aunt also has a skewed view where adults are more important than kids. My mom would turn it to, 'I'm sorry that you got so upset,' or something, where it was my problem I got upset/felt insulted/etc., instead of feeling that she really meant it."
—Anonymous
12."I do apologize to my kids. I can't remember my parents ever apologizing, but it also took me a failed marriage to be able to identify toxic communication behaviors in a relationship, so I hope apologizing when I make a mistake will set the right example for them."
13."I apologize to my kids all the time. I'm human, and I make mistakes, and I own up to them when I do. My kids so often want to be like me that I find it extra important to model the behavior I want them to have. I had a parent who would never apologize, instead choosing to gaslight me and blame me for their mistakes and wrongdoings, and I never want to be like that with my kids. I want my kids to know that sometimes they didn't do anything wrong, and I just made a mistake, and that I will do my best not to make that mistake again."
14."I apologized today to my 5-year-old. I was getting mad at her because her behavior was turning shittier by the hour. Even though she hasn’t been home much, she has friends and interests, and well, at the moment, they don’t match. And she doesn’t know how to cope with that yet. So, while she was struggling and getting bolder by the minute, I missed it. I apologized for not being within reach or feeling approachable enough to for her to tell me she couldn’t cope and needed help. I talked with her, and she felt better."
15."I will say it leads to interesting interactions. I have a new 3-year-old. A while ago, there was a moment she was doing something dangerous, and I had to use a stern voice to correct her. She broke down afterward and told me I used a mean voice and that I should say sorry. I told her no, that I used that voice to get her attention and to keep her safe, and that keeping her safe was more important than keeping her happy. She was a very confused toddler."
16."Yes, of course! I mean, mine are still small, 3 and 4 years old, but sometimes I’m dealing with adult issues that have nothing to do with them, and I find myself overwhelmed and dealing with so much stress I kind of snap at them after they ask me 1000 times for cartoons, or juice, or a snack, etc. So, I do tell them, 'Mommy is sorry' for yelling or for not paying attention to them like they need me to. Sometimes I’m so busy it won’t hit me until they're asleep, and I’m looking back on the day, and I realize, damn, I could have handled that better, and I go and kiss them and whisper in their ear, 'Mommy’s sorry, and Mommy loves you.' Mom guilt is real and hard, but as long as you strive to do better and your kids know they are safe and loved, that’s all that matters."
17."Yes, literally just yesterday because we were so busy we forgot to go to family night at my son's school and didn't remember until it had already ended, and he was very bummed out about it. If something is wrong and it's definitely my fault, I always apologize to them. My mom would have just snapped at me for being dramatic, which I think was honestly just her feeling guilty but not wanting to admit fault."
18."My mom got mad at my 9-year-old and kind of yelled at him, but she totally misunderstood him and the situation, and was wrong for her reaction. I called her out on it and said she needed to apologize. That did not sit well with her; she didn't even respond to me. So I said, 'Sooner than later would be appreciated.' When she came to apologize, you could hear in her tone that she in no way meant it. I felt so bad for my son."
19."I make it a point to apologize when I exhibit bad behavior or don't express my feelings. For example, the other day I was extremely tired and in pain. This caused me to be kind of grumpy and overall short-tempered. That evening, after story time, I apologized to my daughter and explained she had done nothing to cause me to act that way. I was very tired and in pain, and that is why I was being 'grumpy.' I also make it a point to tell my daughter that even though I am disappointed, irritated, or mad about something, it doesn't mean I don't love her. If she makes a mistake, it's ok to be upset about it, then learn from it, and move on. Same with me and my wife. We make mistakes; we apologize, explain, and learn from them."
20."My parents did not. I do. I saw a reel about how we set an example for them, so we should show them how to be remorseful and apologize for mistakes. I lost my cool the other morning, and when I picked the kids up, I apologized for it. I've seen pretty good results for this. My kids all apologize when they realize they acted in a way that was not okay. It may take some time; my oldest, nine, will usually take an hour or more. But it's worth the wait for him to come and say things like, 'I'm sorry I yelled. I was frustrated because I wanted this, but I know I shouldn't have let myself go that far.'"
21."When I first apologized to my kid, she was four months old. My mother-in-law quickly pointed it out and said, 'You don’t apologize to your kids. You are doing this for her good.' And in my brain, it was like, 'Oh, she cried because she maybe didn’t like the message, which, although it was good for her, made her cry.' No wonder our generation of parents has so much anxiety. We have to continuously unlearn and relearn so many basic things."
22."I’ve been apologizing to my son since he was a baby. I remember the first week he was home after being born; I was so overtired and frustrated and touched out that I yelled at him while he was crying. After I cooled off, I held him and apologized to him. I think I said something along the lines of 'I am so sorry I yelled at you. You’re just being a baby, and you can’t explain your needs to me yet. I am tired and overwhelmed, but that does not excuse me from yelling at you.' That helped me get into the habit of admitting when I’m wrong to him. It has paid off — he will be three soon, and he will genuinely apologize without prompting when he does something wrong. I know he doesn’t have a full understanding of the concept yet, but it makes me feel good to know that I’m breaking that cycle. My parents did a lot to me as a child that I never got apologies for."
23."I apologize and try to own my mistakes. I model the behavior I want my daughter to learn. It's really sweet, to be honest. The other day, something happened (I can't remember what), and I calmly said, 'I'm sorry, sweetheart, that was my fault. I'll fix this.' My 4-year-old daughter put her hand on my shoulder and, in a soft voice, said, 'Oh, don't worry, Mummy, it's not your fault. It's okay.' Then, she was rubbing my shoulder/arm and whispering, 'It's not your fault... it's not your fault,' in a comforting tone. She was so sweet and sincere, and my heart melted."
24."Yes, all the time. Last night I was tired and my daughter asked me a simple question and I snapped back at her. I immediately retracted and apologized, explained I was stressed, and said she didn’t deserve that behavior from me. She smiled and accepted my apology, and we moved on. Like, you know, two normal human beings! My parents apologized to me, but only for bigger things. I think they could have modeled it more."
What are your thoughts? Let me know in the comments.
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
