Parents Are Sharing The Things They Wish They Knew Before Having Kids, And That They Want New Parents To Know
Recently, I asked parents of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what advice they would give first-time parents that they wish they had known. Well, we got lots and lots of great responses, ranging from socks to the importance of doing things for your mental well-being:
1."That you will never ever be truly prepared to be a parent. That it will be the most rewarding, bone-wrenching, painful, happy, hard-as-hell thing you will ever take part in. That there is nothing more painful than seeing your child in pain. And all those things you said you would NEVER let your child do... yeah, be prepared to eat that crow. And for the love of God, let your child fail sometimes, let them struggle, let them be bored, and let them be kids!"
2."Do as much inner work on yourself and your inner child as possible. It was quite shocking becoming a mother at 39, loving my daughter so much and wanting to protect her that it sent me spiraling into every trauma I had growing up. She’s 5 now and I’ve put a lot of work in to make sure my traumas of the past don’t get passed onto her."
3."Lose the battle to win the war. At some point, your kid is going to demand to pick out their clothes. As long as there are no safety issues let them rock out with what they pick. It’s not worth the fight. Just throw proper clothes in their backpack and send a note to their teacher."
—[anonymous]
4."Breastfeeding is natural, but it’s SO hard sometimes. I struggled with my first, but with my second it was a breeze. I stopped around 9 months with my first because my mental health took a huge hit and I was constantly an anxious mess about how much milk I was producing. Just because you get 4 ounces while pumping doesn’t mean your baby is only getting that amount when they breastfeed."
"I feel like there are a lot of gimmicks for producing milk that are absolutely not needed. I’ve done it all: exclusively pump, breastfeed, and formula feed. Fed is always best, but do what works best for you, your baby, and your mental health.
If given the chance, all kids will end up eating months-old food out of their car seats, so how you feed them in their first year won’t matter in the grand scheme of things."
5.""When I imagined having a baby, I imagined myself as I was then — my pre-pregnancy self with a baby. What I didn’t realize was that I would be caring for a newborn with me being a radically different self — having experienced a difficult pregnancy, with hormones making me cry both happy and sad tears constantly, and also in pain from labor. While past, pre-pregnancy me could handle some sleepless nights and the cries of a baby, post-natal me found it much harder than I anticipated. My advice is to make your plans for post-pregnancy with the mental and physical limitations you may experience in mind."
—[anonymous]
6."Don't feel guilty if you take up someone's offer to help you — especially in the early months. I had a lot of friends and family members who offered to help us by making food or doing grocery runs/errands that I turned down. I thought we had to prove we could do it all and be 'super parents,' when in reality we were exhausted from adjusting to being first-time parents and could have used a helping hand."
—[anonymous]
7."Listen to your gut and your body. If something seems off, get checked out. Don't let doctors dismiss you and your concerns while pregnant and after. If I had listened to doctors, my babies might not be here or had been born much earlier. And the same goes for your kids. It's probably nothing, but it's better to get concerns evaluated and checked, especially after a few months, than to wait and see."
8."I wish I would have known how hard people would push our boundaries, or just straight-up ignore them. We planned to introduce our first baby with cake and coffee/tea after their christening. My family-in-law planned a whole separate brunch without telling us, left the church immediately, and expected us to go. Sadly, we were still in our 'do anything to keep the peace' phase, but if I had to do it again, we would have kept our own peace."
"Parents, you do not have to cater to those around you. You are the new parents, you know what you and your baby need, and screw anyone who tries to guilt you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with or don’t want to do."
—[anonymous]
9."Do not lose yourself, and always put yourself and your personal relationship first, too. Once they become teens and move on you don’t want to be left with a broken marriage and a lost persona. It is important for kids to see a healthy relationship and a parent who knows who they really are. It makes thinking about having kids less scary. It also shows them how important personal mental well-being is."
10."Try not to judge other parents! I'm a new mom (my daughter is 9 months old), and it has been eye-opening to see my childless friends bash parenting decisions I almost made or have someone second-guess my choices with my daughter. Of course, we all want to think that we are experts, but honestly, no one knows what the hell to do when you arrive home from the hospital with a helpless baby. I read in a parenting book that many of the decisions parents make in the first year (except the choice to vaccinate) affect only their family."
"Studies will give parents a lot of information, but if a choice is the best one to make for the family, then that's that. It really has helped me step back and have more empathy for other new moms who are just as clueless as I am. As long as the child is happy, healthy, and well taken care of, keep your thoughts to yourself and let that family be. Also, if you plan on breastfeeding, do a ton of research to prepare!!! Sincerely, a mom who's boobs still hurt."
—[anonymous]
11."Baby sleep and feeding tracking apps are the worst thing ever. Your baby knows when they're tired and hungry, so just listen to them and go with the flow. They will cry and so will you, but everything will be OK."
12."They don’t need all those toys, nor do they really want them. All they want is for you to do what you’re doing. Kids can be entertained by just letting them do something appropriate that involves them doing what you are doing. Save your money and your space!"
—KS
13."That you absolutely might vomit throughout your entire pregnancy, and never achieve that 'glowing sense of well-being.' There's the thought that things like nausea and other discomforts ebb once you hit the second trimester. Not for me. I had such bad nausea throughout — and when I say *throughout,* I mean even on the day I delivered. Everyone is different. But of course, if nausea and vomiting get excessive, contact your doctor!"
14."Playing with your kids is different from engaging with them. It is hard to engage when you don't have the energy. It is a blessing to have a community and support around you to help out when you are just run down."
—[anonymous]
15."You will never, EVER find matches for all the tiny socks. Buy a big bag of plain white ones and move on!"
—[anonymous]
16."No matter how many articles you read, advice you follow, or how hard you try, sometimes it just comes down to 'that’s just how your kid is,' and that's OK. Examples: My kid was a terrible sleeper for years, then at age 4 something clicked and it was over. I had followed every sleep trick and doctor-recommended crap for years, and then one magical week (when we weren’t trying anything other than what we had been for months), he started sleeping through the night and has ever since."
"On the flip side of that, my son is an extremely picky eater and has been from birth (seriously even nursing was difficult). I’ve tried everything, even programs I paid for or routines suggested by his doctor. Nothing works. I used to beat myself up about it like I’d failed somehow (because, trust me, people are still vocal about judging us now that he’s 7), but I’ve come to accept that none of us did anything wrong. It’s something we still actively work on, but I no longer beat myself up over it. When people are judgy about it, I usually smile politely and listen to their inevitable advice, knowing, Yup, I tried that too."
—[anonymous]
17."You don't have to have kids to feel fulfilled. Don't just have kids because society says you have to. Not everyone is meant to be a mother (or father). Just don't do it because you feel pressured to do so."
—[anonymous]
18.And lastly, "Potty training made me realize I was basically domesticating a wild animal."
—[anonymous]
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
