‘An open marriage is the only solution to my husband’s cheating - he doesn’t believe in monogamy’

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

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My husband of four years has been cheating on me throughout the marriage, and probably before. I had my suspicions over the years but it has all recently come to light after a woman contacted me on Facebook. This woman has thought she was his partner for the last two years and she discovered that he had another girlfriend before she even realised he was married. I have spoken to both women now and we have formed a sort of support group.

When I confronted my husband he admitted to it all, but he hasn’t been remorseful. He’s said that he is naturally non-monogamous and that he doesn’t believe that humans are made for monogamy and that he has realised that he will never be able to stay faithful. I don’t want this marriage to be over. Aside from the lack of trust, it is a really loving relationship and I want it to get better, not to end it. But the only way to keep it would be to agree to being in an open marriage.

It doesn’t feel fair because I don’t want to be with anyone else so an open marriage would be open for him only. The only positive I can see is that if I allowed it then he wouldn’t actually be cheating, but I cannot imagine a scenario where he is going off to sleep with someone whilst I’m just waiting alone at home. I have suggested couple’s therapy and he has said that being polyamorous isn’t something that can be cured with therapy. I basically have to accept polyamory or lose him. Can I work on learning to accept him being with others?

Lala says…

Polyamory is the desire for romantic or intimate relationships with more than one partner at the same time. A very key core component of polyamory or ethically non-monogamous relationships is the informed consent of all partners involved. He was not practicing polyamory when he was becoming romantically involved with others outside of your marriage because you were not informed and you did not give consent and neither did the other women. He was just cheating on you all, breaching your trust, and betraying the vows of your marriage.

He can dress it up however he likes, but he was being unfaithful and disloyal and not being remorseful about it is concerning. He sounds like he’s had an extremely arrogant response to this, no shame, no thought for how catastrophic and hurtful this has been for you, just an expectation that you will like it or lump it. It sounds like he holds the power in this relationship and that you’re expected to submit and relinquish your boundaries in order to maintain the status quo.

You said that aside from the cheating and lack of trust this is a loving relationship but it doesn’t sound like he is enacting love with the way he treats you. It sounds like he does what he wants and then shifts the goal posts so that he can’t be held accountable. I’m guessing that the years of not being quite sure where your man is have ground you down and perhaps your self-esteem has suffered because it feels like it seems easier to you to compromise your needs and values than it does to potentially lose this man.

You should not have to be open to him seeing other women to keep him and if you do then he isn’t worth keeping. If you were curious and excited about the idea of intimate relationships with other people then it would be worth exploring, but you’re not. You already know how it feels when he has been with others and it doesn’t feel good. Declaring that he has a free pass to do it won’t make you feel any better.

I don’t know a lot about polyamory, so I spoke to Poppy Scarlett, sex and relationships educator and content creator. Poppy says: “Ultimately, the relationship that you loved is over and will never be the same again. While it is absolutely possible for a monogamous person to be in a relationship with a polyamorous person, it is crucial that they consent to this agreement from a place of comfort and not threat. Sure, your husband may have realised that he’s more naturally inclined to non-monogamy, but he supposedly figured this out whilst engaging in multiple affairs and deceiving multiple women into what they believed to be monogamous relationships.

“The backbone of consensual non-monogamy is that everyone is on board with this relationship style and sets agreements about communication, boundaries and how they’ll show up for each other. Are your boundaries ever going to be respected in a relationship that fundamentally goes against your values and the way you wish to love? Let’s give him the grace of assuming he is being earnest about his desire to be non-monogamous rather than just someone who enjoys cheating, and that he intends to be radically honest about what he’s doing from here on out.

“Polyamory is an entirely different way of living and loving and one that in this monogamous society takes a great deal of monogamous-unlearning, education and commitment to radical honesty. Most polyamorous people I know read books about communication, attend talks and workshops about relationships, build community, search for peer support and speak to their therapist to gain a deeper understanding of themselves - it sounds like your husband just wants to do whatever he wants with no repercussions, all whilst still having a wife and a home to come back to afterwards. Up until now he has been faking monogamy with women who wish to be monogamous. That isn’t polyamory, that’s a web of lies. Rest assured - no polyamorous woman is going to put up with that behaviour.”

Being told that you will lose him if you don’t give in is your signal to go. You do not have to put up with this, be willing to lose him. Talk to your support network and get excited about being single.