One writer gets candid on navigating a relationship with boderline personality disorder
Clare Mohan always believed herself unlovable - but then she fell in love right in the midst of a mental health crisis. Here, she explains what it's like navigating a relationship with boderline personality disorder.
On a bright crisp Sunday in March 2014, I was supposed to be going to play board games with a new acquaintance, Erin, and some of her mates. We’d met a few times through a mutual friend, and I was flattered to be invited. Instead, I found myself messaging her with an apology: I wasn’t sure I'd make it as I was waiting in A&E.
I’d been going through the hardest period of my life. It wasn’t the first time I’d struggled with my mental health, but after being sexually assaulted six weeks previously, I felt like I was falling apart. I’d begun hallucinating, especially in crowded places. Once, I became fixated on a big poster in Euston station; the individual pixels morphed into pus-filled boils that seemed to pulsate opposite me.
My daily commute to Hammersmith, where I worked for the local council, was punctuated by the feeling that someone else was controlling my body and wanted me to take my own life. For weeks, I minimised what I was experiencing – until I spoke to a doctor friend who told me firmly to go to hospital. When I got there, the nurse talked me through my options. She offered to find me a bed on an inpatient ward, but it was my decision. From what felt like a long way away, I heard myself say: "I think I need to be admitted, please."
When I was shown my room on the ward, I noticed there weren’t any light switches or taps, just flat buttons to press. Everything was calculated to be as safe as possible, and a nurse opened the door to check on me every half an hour. It was a huge relief. I was safe here. I couldn’t hurt myself. It didn’t feel strange telling Erin where I was. She seemed so warm and kind, yet strong, and I instinctively knew I could trust her. Still, I was surprised when she messaged to ask if she could visit the next day. Why would she choose to have this chaos in her life? But she appeared the following afternoon clutching fluffy socks and home-cooked vegan dim sum – and then, alongside family and friends, she visited every day for the five days I was an inpatient.
I was constantly shivering, twitchy and on red alert. It was disorientating, as I still didn’t have a diagnosis. But I felt so reassured in Erin’s presence. A psychiatric ward is a pretty difficult environment to be in. Sometimes, the other patients would stop and glare at us threateningly, or yell at us for no reason. She never blinked. She even helped me find humour in it all, like the fact that pudding was always just a bowl of custard: apart from one day when, with no explanation, there was cake as well. The next day, it was back to plain mystery custard.
Erin helped me get home when I was discharged, armed with a prescription for citalopram - used for low mood and panic attacks - but still few answers. After months of pushing to be assessed by a psychiatrist, I was finally given a diagnosis: borderline personality disorder (BPD). Everything started to make sense. I learned that BPD is characterised by very intense and rapidly shifting emotions, extreme and often risky behaviour and self-harm impulses. Under the surface, people with BPD experience a chronic sense of emptiness and an unstable sense of identity. We often believe we're fundamentally unlovable.
I had been living with the symptoms for so long it felt like normality - I was just "highly strung', I told myself. But, the assault I experience pushed me into crisis. The volume turned up on every emotion. Before my "breakdown", I'd found it hard to connect with people. I had a pattern of pushing people away when they got close, afraid that they'd run when they got to know me better. I'd suffered years of extreme mood swings, even attempting suicide at university. I had always thought there was something intrinsically wrong with me. But Erin wasn't fazed by any of it. She got to know me during my lowest point, and still chose to stay.
I've had to learn how to be more patient with myself - and how to be tough
As I started having regular therapy, I saw or spoke to her most days. Within a few months, we were inseparable. On my birthday, we sat on Hampstead Heath and soaked up the mid-April sun. I felt safe, calm and certain. So, I kissed her. I knew I loved her soon after, when she bought us tickets to a lecture on Mediaeval Italian literature. It's not everyone's idea of fun, but I was fascinated, and enchanted that she'd even thought of it. We moved in together after a year.
In the early days of our relationship, I was plagued by the fear that I'd drive Erin away. Sometimes, when she got home later than expected, she found me sobbing inconsolably, after I'd convinced myself that she'd left me (and her beloved cat, and all her possessions. It wasn't logical, but the belief was overwhelming). But Erin reassured me that she loved all of me - even thought it was hard for me to believe it.
The unpredictability of extreme emotions with BPD is one of the hardest things for partners to deal with. In therapy, I learned that these powerful responses are often triggered by deep-seated beliefs we have about ourselves, so we're often reacting to an underlying issue rather that what is happening on the surface. Thankfully, those sorts of outbursts aren't the defining feature of our relationship. We love gardening, making our own wine and dreaming of starting a smallholding somewhere remote. We joke about eating "mystery custard" when we're not sure what to have for dinner, and laugh ourselves silly over TikTok videos. But underneath, there's a core of iron to our relationship, formed by the most challenging circumstances.
She met me at my lowest, and she still chose to stay
After many years of antidepressants and therapy (from psychodynamic therapy to intensive group therapy), I gradually learned to cope with my triggers without lashing out. I came off medication a year ago, with my GP's support. It hasn't been plain sailing - I'm definitely more volatile than when I was medicated - but I'm in a much better place than I ever expected to be.
My relationship with Erin has travelled in parallel with my capacity to manage (and recover from) the worst of my BPD. I've had to learn how to be more patient with myself - and sometimes to be tough with myself, too. I know what my limitations are, and what I need to do to stay well. I try to run regularly and get outside every day. I have a shorter work week so I can manage my energy levels and keep on top of "life admin", both things that affect my overall wellness. And together, Erin and I have learned the importance of communicating how we're feeling, and what we need. We're gentle with each other.
When we got married in 2021, I read a quote from the Italian poet Dante: "Midway through the journey of my life / I found myself in a dark wood / and the clear path was lost". That's how I felt that first day in hospital - bewildered, frightened and alone. Erin's love and support has helped me come back to myself.
Sometimes, people ask if I believe I'm loveable now; if that part of me has somehow "healed". I don't know if I'll ever truly believe that. There will always be a part of me that feels hallow and alone and questions why Erin would ever choose me. But that part gets smaller and quieter with each passing year. I have to believe that she sees something in me that I can't see in myself. And that's more than enough.
Everything you need to know about personality disorders
Our personality constitutes the ways we think, feel and behave that make us who we are. For most of us, this remains fairly consistent. However, people with a personality disorder have significant difficulties in how they think and feel about themselves and others. These difficulties affect their wellbeing, mental health and relationships with others.
Around one in 20 people in the UK has a personality disorder. They can be hard to define and diagnose, so they often go unrecognised for a long time.
What are the symptoms of a personality disorder?
A personality disorder affects how you cope with life, manage your emotions and connect with other people. You may find that your beliefs and attitudes are different from most people, who may find your behaviour unusual, unexpected or upsetting at times.
You may have difficulties with:
Making or maintaining relationships.
Connecting with other people, including friends, family or work colleagues.
Managing and controlling your emotions.
Coping with life and difficult feelings.l Controlling your behaviour and impulses.
These symptoms often get worse with stress. As a result, you may feel isolated and alone. You may try to cope through self-harm, drug or alcohol use or suicide attempts, or also experience other mental health conditions, such as depression.
Different types of personality disorder
There are 10 types of personality disorder. They are organised into three groups based on similar symptoms. We all experience these symptoms from time to time. However, if you have a personality disorder, you’ll find these symptoms are making your life difficult. Your symptoms may not fit exactly into one group. You may see aspects of yourself in more than one category. This isn’t unusual: it can be hard to diagnose a particular personality disorder clearly. The three groups of personality disorders are described as A, B and C. They can be briefly described as...
A. Feeling suspicious of other people
You may have difficulty forming relationships with other people and think or behave very differently from others. An example is a paranoid personality disorder, where you may feel suspicious of others for no reason and believe people are being nasty to you. You might hold a grudge or feel easily rejected.
B. Finding it hard to manage your feelings or behaviour
You may find it hard to manage your emotions and swing between positive and negative views of other people. You may behave in a way others describe as dramatic, disturbing or unpredictable. An example is borderline personality disorder (also known as an emotionally unstable personality disorder). You might have intense emotions that change quickly or worries about being abandoned, act impulsively and struggle to trust other people. You may not have a strong sense of who you are or what you want. You may self-harm or have suicidal thoughts.
C. Feeling very anxious or afraid
You may have feelings of fear or anxiety that are so overwhelming they affect your daily life or relationships. An example is an avoidant personality disorder, where you may fear being judged negatively and feel uncomfortable in social situations. You may worry a lot and have low self-esteem. You might feel lonely but avoid relationships because you fear rejection.
What causes personality disorders?
Personality disorders are complex, and what causes them isn’t fully known. Most researchers believe a combination of factors can increase the risk of developing one, including:
Trauma in early childhood, such as abuse, neglect or violence.
A parent or caregiver who gave you little or no support, especially if you experienced a traumatic event.
Genetics.
Not everyone who experiences trauma will develop a personality disorder. And not everyone with a personality disorder will have had a traumatic experience. There may be no clear reason why you’ve developed your feelings and symptoms.
Getting support
The first step is to speak to your GP. They can refer you to a specialist who can do an in-depth assessment and diagnose you. With help, it is possible for things to change and improve. It may take time, but life can become more fulfilling and less difficult.
The right treatment for you will depend on the type of difficulties you have, what’s available locally and what your preferences are. You may be offered talking therapy, medication or a stay in a therapeutic community. These are places you can visit or stay for several weeks or months. They offer a form of group therapy where you can explore what it’s like to have a personality disorder. You learn from spending time with other people in the group and supporting each other’s recovery.
For more tips and advice from the Mental Health Foundation, visit the website.
This feature originally appeared in the March 2023 issue of Red Magazine.
You Might Also Like
