"Don't Be This When You See Consistent Red Flags": Adults Who Got Divorced And Remarried Are Sharing The Very Tough Yet Important Lessons They Learned
Even though it would be nice for first marriages to last forever, sometimes the relationship doesn't turn out the way you had hoped. So when Reddit user u/throwingitfaraweigh asked the r/AskOldPeople community: "People who had a horrible first marriage, got divorced, and eventually ended up in a happy marriage, what changed? What did you learn?" people were vulnerable enough to share their stories. Here's what they said below.
1."Therapy. Lots of therapy. My first marriage was not abusive, but we were young and didn’t know how to communicate effectively, and I didn’t know how to be a good partner. I definitely had a part in our divorce. Years later, I found a good, kind man who became my friend. He had baggage, and I had baggage, but we had both worked on ourselves and processed our histories. We slowly became romantically involved and then got married. I am so happy to be with him every day. I still go to therapy weekly, and he goes every few weeks."
2."My first marriage started when we were too young and went on for too long because I was terrified to hurt him or to leave him and be on my own. He was/is a good person, but we weren’t compatible, and I felt like my whole life revolved around managing his anxiety and living out his version of what our lives should be. It took me almost 20 years to realize that my life was passing me by whether I divorced or not, so I made the hard decision to do it. It cost me a lot, financially and emotionally, and cost me some friends who are the type to think that if you’re not actively being abused, you shouldn’t get divorced."
"I’m married again. We certainly have our issues, but we love each other passionately, and he’s truly my best friend in the world. I needed someone who could talk in depth about our feelings, our lives, and our relationships, who has passions to follow, and who wasn’t completely shut down by fear.
I needed someone who would challenge me in good ways and who could see, accept, and love all parts of who I am. Sometimes, I still wonder if it’s been worth the pain I was in and that I caused with the divorce, even with the good outcomes (my ex is also with someone new and seems really happy with her). But it’s my path, and I’m trying to walk it well."
3."I learned that broken people have to want to be fixed and be willing to do the work to fix themselves before any fixing can happen."
4."It took a few tries and the right therapists. I eventually learned my impulse to be attracted to partners who were smart, beautiful, prone to addiction, and thrill-seeking was sabotaging my happiness. I finally realized that I needed to 'fix my picker.' My now wife is beautiful, totally brilliant, but a classic 'good girl.' She is the straight-A student type with the emotional competence to consider others’ feelings first. She brings up grievances in a calm, non-confrontational way that helps find a solution gently but without backing away from her position. She is loyal to the core and, again, smart as a whip, without putting her brilliance in your face."
5."I learned to stand up for myself."
6."I changed. I grew in the 17 years between marriages. I picked someone who was a partner who helped me find peace. I also learned that I control my responses to all situations, and I own the outcomes of those situations. I also learned that my spouse is not responsible for my feelings, mental health, physical health, or personal development. I own my shit."
7."Choose a person who doesn’t have anger problems! God bless the people who do, but I just do not want to be married to one — literally, the difference between crying every day and not. I have about a decade of experience with each of the two different people, so I am very confident in this. When a person is very used to being angry, yelling, and having a bad attitude, they will impact the entire household, and I have doubts that they will ever change. I’m a kind, gentle person. I’m SO much happier also being married to a kind, gentle person now."
8."Don't marry for potential. Don't let your partner marry for potential, either. While change is inevitable and both of you will need to be able to adapt, fundamentally, you have to let them be them, and they must love you for what you are, not some idealized or Frankenstein vision."
9."After enduring a decade with a difficult spouse, I learned that there's no need to rush decisions, and it's always possible to walk away and seek happiness. I ended the marriage, gained custody of my child, and moved on. Was it hard? Yes. Did I completely leave it behind? Absolutely. The day my son turned 18, I resolved never to speak to her again, and I haven't uttered a word to her in the past decade. What changed? I became more selective. I eliminated many possibilities, and even small red flags were enough to keep me looking. Unfortunately, I experienced two heartbreaking relationships between my marriages. Not due to the partners themselves but because of their families."
"In one case, her family convinced her to stay with them after a visit, despite her later admitting I was 'the one that got away.' In the other case, her father was a habitual liar, and when I called him out, he forced her to choose between him and me.
After those experiences, I became very discerning and eventually found someone who loves me for who I am without any drama. Even when external drama arises, she dismisses it, and we prioritize each other over any issues others try to create."
10."I learned to stop being an asshole and to consider my wife's needs and feelings."
11."Don't be too patient when you see consistent red flags or behaviors, especially substance abuse and financial irresponsibility. Those things will not change unless the person sees them as problems and actively works on those issues. I was too patient for way too long and hoped he would work on himself. Once I started therapy, I learned the person I needed to change was myself. I'm now working on my exit plan. Some things are just not compatible with a healthy relationship."
12."I had a horrible, verbally abusive first marriage. I had a horrible, verbally abusive rebound second marriage. After the second divorce, I realized it's not what you want in a partner; it's what you are not willing to tolerate, and that's the most important. I created a list of 5 'must never,' and anyone I even casually dated had to meet those:"
1. He could not have been in the military. No offense to veterans — it was just that I had personal, awful experiences because of PTSD in a partner.
2. He could not have a temper. I didn't mean he could have emotions, but he couldn't have the yelling, cursing, punching type of temper — not ever, not over big things or small things.
3. He could not have or want children. I was absolutely child-free by choice. I tried being a stepmother, and that was a failure.
4. He could not drink. Both of my exes were alcoholics who looked at first like 'casual drinkers,' but after marriage, they got much, much worse. I was absolutely gunshy of even casual drinkers.
5. He could not be religious. I was an atheist and had no interest at all in a partner who was religious and might try to convert me.
I found that my list of 'nevers' was much more important in finding the right partner. We've been together 35 years, so I was right."
13."Don't marry someone you wouldn't go into business with."
Adults who got divorced and remarried, tell us the lessons you learned in the comments below.
