This is what not to say to someone dealing with cancer, according to cancer experts
It's hard to know what to say when you hear the devastating news that a loved one has cancer. Even if the person sharing their diagnosis isn't that close to you, navigating the conversation can feel hard.
We all want to do a good job with making sure someone feels safe when talking about their health. But our instinctive ways to give comfort can sometimes have the opposite effect, making someone feel uncomfortable or worried.
With cancer rates predicted to hit a record high in 2025, more and more of us will be facing these tricky conversations. If you are dealing with a loved one's diagnosis, or wanting to inform your friends and family on how to talk to you during your own cancer journey, we have advice from Martin Ledwick, head information nurse at Cancer Research UK.
He's shared how to speak to someone living with this disease in a kind, compassionate way, to make everyone feel more comfortable.
Do say: 'How are you?'
It doesn't sound dramatic, but it is helpful. Ask the question and be prepared to listen to what that person comes back with – avoid jumping back in with something else. Open questions mean the person has space to delve into their feelings and express themselves.
Do say: 'Are there any practical things I can help out with?'
This is a great thing to ask. You can remove some stress by helping out with things like food shopping or admin.
Do say: ‘How would you like me to support you?’
When you say this, you give the person control back. You can understand what sort of things might help. Do be ready to do something if you make this offer, of course.
Don't say: 'Don't worry, everything will be fine'
This isn't a helpful thing to say, because, for some people, everything is not going to be fine. All of of us want to help when someone close to us has been affected by cancer but that can mean we jump in too fast with reassurance and sometimes people want you to listen to and hear their sadness and their upset.
Plus, it can feel insulting. It says that you want the person to stop talking about their feelings and closes the conversation, rather than opening it up.
Don't say: 'You're so brave'
Some people do get annoyed about people saying this – they’re not necessarily feeling very 'brave' and they don’t have any option, anyway. They didn’t choose to take on cancer. This can feel irritating and patronising.
Don't say: 'I had a friend who had cancer and what happened to them was X'
What happened to someone else is not necessarily going to reflect this person's experience. You can wind up saying something inappropriate that doesn't apply to this situation.
Don't say: 'I’ve been on the internet and there’s a new miracle treatment'
In the UK, we have access to very good treatments and doctors do their best to give you an honest choice about what you can and can’t have. [Ed's note: there's a proliferation of 'cancer cures' that are not based on science and can be dangerous, online. Avoid.]
Don't say: 'You’ve got to be positive’
The person with cancer can hear this and think: 'Why do I have to be positive? I am not feeling positive right now.' It can make people feel that they can’t express their upset. Again, it closes things down, it doesn’t open things up.
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