This Newlywed Said He Already Wants A Divorce, And His Story Is A Wild Ride
Getting married is one of the biggest decisions someone has to make. While (hopefully) two people get married and have the best intentions, sometimes, for whatever reason, it doesn't work out, and someone wants to split up.
That's what is going on with this OP (original poster) who shared his story in the r/relationship_advice subreddit. However, he's only been married for less than a year (he and his wife dated for three years prior) and is turning to Reddit to ask if he should ask for a divorce. Here's what he shared:
"We're both quite young, 30M and 32F respectively. We got married less than a year ago after dating for three years. She's wonderful in every other way: kind, beautiful, very stable in her demeanor, doesn't pick fights or talk poorly about anyone, and is a perfect daughter and friend.
But here's the issue: she gets visibly upset with me over small things, prioritizes others over our time together, doesn't take my opinions seriously but suddenly finds them valid when someone else suggests them and frequently cancels our plans to help her unemployed family who live nearby. While I don't usually mind helping them, the frequency is draining. Her parents and her sister are jobless, though her parents are pensioners and her sister is a stay-at-home mom," he explained.
The OP continued by writing, "This dynamic takes a toll on our life aspirations, as I aim for significant career growth while she dreams of building a homestead and living on a farm, which we currently own. She purchased the farmhouse a few months before we met, and while we renovated it together after moving in, I found it difficult to feel comfortable there. Every decision about the house seems influenced by her family's preferences, leaving me unattached to the space."
"Financially, she's careless, which I'm unable to address. Despite us both working, I earn slightly more than her. We opened a joint account at her request after marriage, a decision I now regret. Previously, I saved 30-40% of my salary after expenses, but her spending habits prevent me from doing so now. She buys things recklessly, and I find myself unable to save as I used to. As a result, we rarely do anything enjoyable together, such as vacations, which are always postponed due to renovation, work, or school (we're both currently studying, although she's considering quitting)," the OP wrote.
"Regarding our goals, I'm frustrated by her lack of ambition. While I don't expect us to reach unrealistic heights, I want to aim higher than she does. I enjoy studying and self-improvement, whereas she seems content with the status quo. She supports my dreams but becomes annoyed when I dedicate time to work or study, accusing me of neglecting our relationship. When I try to spend time with her, she often cancels at the last minute for trivial reasons, such as grocery shopping with her family, leaving me feeling unappreciated and exhausted," he added.
Lastly, the OP wrote, "Intimacy in our relationship is nonexistent, lacking even basic affection like hand-holding or cuddling. This rejection has greatly impacted my self-esteem, as I believe I am fairly attractive. I'm left wondering why I married her in the first place, as I feel trapped in a situation where divorce seems inevitable but financially complicated. Feeling so frustrated, any advice appreciated."
Sheesh! When I first read this OP's story, I wondered why the couple couldn't seek couple counseling or how he did not see these issues sooner with his wife. A lot of the responses in the thread were thinking the same, so the OP clarified a few things (which I summarized):
"Replying to some comments and clearing out some things:
Having children won't be an issue. We have no intimacy whatsoever. The problem isn't that she is spending too much time with her family; it's that she will always choose them over me and our house. I saw the signs of her reckless spending. I kept telling her to chill it with the spending, but she never did. It got worse over the years. Lastly, he wrote, Why did I go through the marriage? I don't usually break promises, and I promised her and my parents I would marry her when things were not as bad. I thought that I was ready to face this and things would be different. I'm ready to break my vow now because of a promise I stupidly made," the OP wrote.
The Reddit community didn't hold back and expressed their strong opinions on this OP's story. Here's what one commenter wrote.
"I love these posts that start with 'my SO is absolutely perfect except this one little thing'; then, it's eight paragraphs of pretty significant things.
OP, read this back to yourself. You're not happy. As others have said, you knew this before marriage, but that doesn't help you now. You need to be honest if you don't think she's willing to change. Leaving someone doesn't require consent; staying doesn't make you a better person. Proceed accordingly."
Another person suggested the OP cut right to it with his wife.
"You don’t ask her. You tell her. 'I want a divorce; I no longer feel like a priority to you as a husband, so therefore, there is no reason to continue this marriage.'"
This person felt that the relationship isn't worth saving.
"Objectively speaking, there is little here that you can look at and honestly say, 'there is something here worth saving.' Normally, when we see posts like this, there is a nugget of 'good' in there somewhere, some sliver of hope that we can point to and say, 'Well, here is something to base some potential onto,' but in your case, that just doesn't appear to be the case. As to how to proceed?
Well, that is really just a matter of legalities and logistics. So go and book some time with a lawyer and see what divorce will look like. From what you have said here, though, you are really only married on paper and are missing all of the things that normally go into making a marriage work for the long term. And remember, financial complications only seem that way at the start, so get some proper advice and have them walk you through what untangling that entails. You may be surprised as to exactly how uncomplicated it really is."
—u/[deleted]
And this commenter gave some brutally honest advice.
"You sound miserable, but it seems like you went ahead and married, hoping things would change. That rarely works out. She was like this before and will more than likely continue to be. Counseling might work, but more often than not, the behavior will eventually return. Open up your account to deposit your money immediately and start the divorce process."
—u/JustAnotherDude87
