‘My mum chose my criminal dad over her own grandchildren - I’m so angry’

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

For this week's column, continue reading below...

Dear Lala,

My dad has recently been convicted as a child sex offender (downloading images of child abuse). I have gone completely no contact with him, but my mum has chosen to stay with him. She’s putting pressure on me to rebuild bridges, and won’t respect my boundaries.

My relationship with her is becoming strained and I don’t know what to do. She's been manipulated to think that he, as an IT savvy man, downloaded the porn by accident when trying to watch adult porn and download music. My mum isn’t very IT savvy and doesn’t watch porn so doesn’t know how easily adult porn is accessible on the internet.

I was met with a lot of gaslighting and aggression when I confronted them both about this and since this I no longer have any contact with him. He pled guilty at his first hearing, and because of this she seems to be believing the lies that he’s told to make himself out to be less of a paedophile. There are no children in the household, but my mum also has two grandchildren with whom her contact has been significantly reduced as they are not allowed anywhere near the house. Basically she’s chosen this disgrace of a man over her children and grandchildren. It’s so hard, and I’m so angry. Any help in navigating this, and trying to get over the trauma of it all would be greatly appreciated.

Lala says…

This is an unbelievably sad situation, but a very common one. When someone commits a sex offence and is later caught, the sex offender’s closest loved ones become secondary victims of that crime. Having a sex offender in the family rips households apart, it leaves relatives in a position of having to question everything they’ve ever known or felt about the offender and of having to decide whether they even want to continue a relationship, it can also feel embarrassing, shameful and humiliating for the entire family, especially if it becomes public knowledge. Families can feel guilty by association.

He’s let you all down so badly. It sounds so easy and obvious when you read about it - of course you feel like you’d instantly cut off your husband or your dad the moment he was arrested for a sexual crime against children, but it’s far more complex than that, he’s your dad who you trusted and loved up until that moment. It must be such a shock, and for many families it feels like it can’t be true, especially if the offender is denying it. It is very common for partners and wives to think that the police are setting their partner up or that they’ve made a terrible mistake.

Your mum’s response to this is actually very normal. It is likely that she is deeply embarrassed, in denial, feeling shame and confusion and humiliation. She probably doesn’t want to admit that it’s true because to admit it would force her to question everything she’s known for decades. It would force her to think about whether she’s been complicit, whether he’s hurt any children they know, whether she has missed signs, whether her whole marriage has been a sham, whether he has ever even found her attractive, questioning how she could have not known, and it would force her to have to think about leaving him. It is a lot easier to stay in denial and to bury her head in the sand and keep things the way they are. I don’t think she’s actively choosing him over the rest of her family, I think he’s put her in an awful position and she’s feeling very lost.

The facts are that she is wrong in doubting his conviction, it is clear that he is guilty of the crime he’s been convicted of. You don’t stumble across child sexual abuse images easily. You don’t just fall into the dark web, and if you do - you call the police. But the facts are that this also doesn’t need to be something that means that you can never have a relationship with either of your parents again. Of course, your father won’t be able to have contact with any children whilst he is subject to licence conditions associated with his offending, and I don’t think that he should ever have contact with children again, it’s not worth the risk. But there are ways of repairing the relationship with you and your mother if that’s what you want. You also don’t have to cut your dad off if you don’t want to, maintaining a relationship doesn’t mean you endorse his crimes.

As a family, you all need support. As I said, you are all victims of this too, it is an incredibly tough thing to experience. It comes with a wild amount of conflicting emotions and it is devastating and life-changing for everyone around the offender. There is a great charity called Acts Fast that works directly with the families of people who have been caught with indecent images of children to help to address the cataclysmic events that your family has faced. They will listen and provide support and advice and help you to navigate the path to rebuilding your lives. I would really recommend your mum seeking some advice and support from them too, whether that’s individually or with you, or both.

It’s such a lot to go through. To have to look at your dad in a completely different way, to comprehend the harm that he has caused to children, or to have to think about him getting off on those images is horrific. You are a victim in this too and it is essential that you process it and talk it through with experts so that you can make sense of the complexities around having a sex offender in the family. You don’t have to lose your mum over this, but you do need help to navigate getting to that point and I think Acts Fast will be extremely helpful with that.