Mismatched sex drives? Here's what to do about it
How do often do you and your partner agree on what to have for dinner? Maybe they had a big lunch and just want a salad, while you’ve had a stressful day and are craving a comforting bowl of your favourite pasta. Or perhaps you’re heading out for dinner but one of you is hankering for sushi while the other wants a burger.
Sound familiar? However annoying, we accept that it’s rare to be on the same page as another person when it comes to decisions such as what to eat. Yet we don’t afford this same outlook to libido – or, sexual desire – despite a mismatch being just as common.
'Discrepancies in desire between us and the person we are in a sexual relationship with are so common it should be considered the norm rather than the exception,' explains clinical psychologist and psychosexologist Dr Karen Gurney. Indeed, a 2015 study found that up to 80% of couples regularly experience a desire discrepancy in their relationships.
Not only is libido imbalance in couples far more common than we might think, but our understanding around sex drive is often far from accurate, too.
Many of us think of libido as a fixed, innate thing that comes from within us, but the experts say this isn’t true, and that libido can change frequently and quickly. There are myriad psychological reasons, such as feeling stressed, lacking sleep and not feeling connected in our relationships, and physical reasons, including medication and hormonal changes, from pregnancy to menopause.
‘Libido naturally fluctuates throughout your lifetime and is completely context dependent,’ says clinical psychologist and relationship and psychosexual therapist Dr Amani Zarroug. When a person says, ‘I have high libido,’ what they mean is they think it is high compared with what they perceive as a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ libido from cultural references, porn and friends. But ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist.
‘In my work, I talk about sexual desire rather than libido or sex drive, as thinking about sex in these terms causes disappointment when our interest in sex wanes or disappears,’ says Dr Gurney. ‘It makes us feel there is a problem with us when there likely isn’t.’ When we embrace the fact that our libidos are ever-changing, we open up a world of possibilities about the kind of sex lives we can have.
The gender stereotype
It’s often assumed that biological females have lower libidos than biological males – but how accurate is that belief? Global research conducted by Headspace and Peanut found that seven in 10 women have experienced low sex drive, while it’s thought that loss of libido affects up to one in five men.
While all genders can and do experience loss of libido – up to 10% of men and women experience hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), defined as a continued lack of interest in sexual activities and fantasies resulting in personal distress – there are many reasons why we continue to think of men as hypersexual and women as not that bothered.
As sex educator Emily Nagoski outlines in her book Come As You Are, women tend to be more responsive in their desire, whereas men experience more spontaneous desire. Responsive desire requires something to 'kick-start' it – a sensual touch, for example – but it doesn't mean the person has less of a sex drive than someone whose desire operates spontaneously.
We also can't ignore the role testosterone plays in libido. ‘It’s not fully understood how testosterone affects libido; however, both men and women with reduced testosterone production often report reduced libido,’ says Dr Susanna Unsworth, gynaecologist for Intimina.
Testosterone naturally declines throughout a woman’s lifespan, particularly during and after menopause. It can be prescribed to those who are experiencing low sexual desire related to the menopause, although results are variable. ‘Low levels of oestrogen can also cause a decline in libido, so in order to achieve the best outcome, testosterone is ideally prescribed after HRT has been optimised, as this alone could resolve the issue.’
What to do when libidos don't match
Low – or high – libido is, in itself, no cause for concern. If you’re in a relationship and you’re both satisfied with the quality and quantity of sex you’re having, there’s no need to address it. But if either of you is concerned or unhappy with your sex life because of a libido imbalance, it’s worth exploring what is causing the discrepancy and attempting to redress the issue to avoid conflict or resentment.
‘The cycle is often of one person (usually the partner with higher desire) feeling rejected, hurt and like they’re the only person keeping sex on the agenda for the relationship, while the partner with lower desire feels pressured or named as the problem,’ explains Dr Gurney. ‘The longer this cycle continues, the harder it is to resolve, as both parties become scared to initiate sex, either for fear of being turned down or because turning the other person down has such high stakes attached to it.’ Here’s how to address the imbalance...
Open up the conversation
The first step is to communicate with your partner, focusing on kindness rather than accusation. For example, if you’re struggling with having a higher sex drive than your partner, Dr Gurney suggests saying something like: ‘I’d love us to spend some time in bed tonight and see where it goes because I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and miss just being with you physically. Are you up for this?' This phrasing relieves the pressure for it to go anywhere, says Dr Gurney. 'Pressure is a desire killer.'
Acknowledge responsive desire
According to Dr Gurney, most of us have been falsely led to believe that desire comes from within us, so we should wait to feel it before having sex. 'The longer we’ve been having sex with the same person, the less likely desire will come out of the blue and the more likely we need to kick-start it,’ she says. So, exploring what jump-starts desire for you both is key. For one person, it could be cuddling on the sofa; for another, it’s talking about sex. These are things that are within our control, which can feel empowering.
Make time, don't find time
‘If you wait for the perfect opportunity to present itself, you could end up waiting a very long time, given life is so busy,’ says Kate Moyle, psychosexual therapist and Lelo’s sex and relationships expert. Scheduling time together might seem unromantic, but Moyle says that it’s essential for intentionally prioritising this part of your relationship.
‘It goes against the version of sex we see in films, which depicts spontaneous sex as the Holy Grail, but when we make the time to be together physically, we can trigger desire by giving it a chance to emerge in response to sexual and sensual stimulation rather than in anticipation of it, and this is no less fun or pleasurable,’ she says, stressing that it’s important you’re not scheduling sex but rather scheduling time together, as all the former does is add pressure, particularly to the partner with lower desire.
Have a 'mindful shower'
Dr Amani Zarroug recommends taking a shower while touching yourself from head to toe – initially avoiding genitals as this is meant to be sensual, not sexual – while noticing the feelings and sensations you are having. ‘The mind will naturally wander and when it does, bring your awareness back to the present moment and how you are feeling,’ says Dr Zarroug. ‘This helps people learn to reconnect with their bodies, the sensations they’re feeling and be fully present in the moment.’ This is an example of sensate focus, a series of touch exercises used in psychosexual therapy to improve intimacy and communication and reduce anxiety around sex.
Think beyond the bedroom
Most experts agree that the majority of the work happens outside the bedroom. Kate Moyle recommends breaking out of your routine and trying something new together. ‘Seeing our partners in a new light or how others see them can be a real desire boost,’ explains Moyle. ‘Trying a new class or activity together can help to engage your curiosity.’
Increase 'sexual currency'
Dr Gurney coined the term to mean anything you would only do with a partner that isn’t sex – a random kiss, hug, hand hold or unprompted compliment, for example. These help build potential for more connections – when these little moments of connectedness happen throughout the day, it’s easier to melt into something more sexual later on. ‘This works particularly well if you are stuck in the dynamic of one partner always approaching the other for sex,’ says Moyle.‘ One describes feeling “if they don’t do something it will never happen”, while their partner says, “You only touch me/approach me when you want sex.” Increasing sexual currency where the focus is on those acts and not where they’ll lead helps break this pattern.'
How do I get my libido back?
If your libido is lower than you’d like it to be, or lower than you know it has previously been, these could help...
Supplements
There are plenty of new supplements on the market claiming to boost libido, with ingredients such as fenugreek and ginkgo taking centre stage. One exciting new ingredient is medicinal mushroom cordyceps, said to improve libido by supporting the adrenal and reproductive organs and boosting cellular energy production. But the research is still very slim, plus Dr Karen Gurney says to be wary, since desire is so context specific and more likely to be psychological than biological. Still, it could be worth a try, as the other benefits of the supplement (for example, reducing stress) could indirectly help with libido.
Mindfulness
‘Practising mindfulness allows us to be more in tune with our bodies and the present moment, which allows desire to emerge more easily,’ explains Dr Gurney. ‘It also encourages us to get less carried away with distracting, stressful or critical thoughts – all of which inhibit desire.’ Dr Gurney recommends practising any kind of mindfulness through an app for 10 minutes a day, every day, for six to eight weeks.
Alternatively, yoga is effective at encouraging a strong mind-body connection. ‘Yoga increases blood circulation, lowers stress and anxiety, and promotes greater self-awareness,’ explains yoga and Ayurveda educator Angie Tiwari. ‘When we practise yoga, we experience an increase in oxytocin (our love hormone) and a reduction in cortisol (our stress hormone).’ When we feel more relaxed and confident in ourselves, our libido can increase. In fact, all forms of fitness increase oxytocin and reduce cortisol, so any regular fitness routine could be your key to higher libido.
Compassion
While there could be underlying psychological, relational or hormonal reasons for your or your partner’s diminished libido, remember it could just be a season of life that will pass. Stress, having young children and the menopause are all common causes of low libido – having compassion for yourselves and each other will help you take the issue less personally. If you are in a low libido season, keeping your health a priority, including getting enough sleep, can help to minimise the effect on your sex drive.
Calling time
‘We often position sex in our society as a frivolous activity without much meaning, but actually it’s much more about our psychological, relational and identity-based needs,’ says Dr Gurney. For some people, a libido imbalance can and should be a deal-breaker, but only if all other avenues to redress the issue have been explored first.
If you find it difficult communicating your feelings with your partner, or maybe even understanding them yourself, turn to a sex therapist, who can help you work through your issues together. Find one at relate.org.uk or cosrt.org.uk.
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