Married Women Are Confessing Their Biggest Regrets And What They Wish They Knew Before Getting Married, And It's Brutally Honest
We recently asked married women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what they wish they knew before they got married. Here are the eye-opening results:
1."I've been married 23 years, and I can tell you this: the wedding is one day; your marriage is meant to be for life — and that's a long time to spend with a person you can't really communicate and work with."
"The party is nice, but marry the person you can negotiate with and talk to."
2."If it can be avoided, don't get married in your late teens or early 20s. You really don't have enough separation from your life with your family to see the red flags and how you're re-creating family trauma through a romantic relationship. It happened to me and SO many people I know."
"Spending time getting to know yourself and what you really want. You'll be more apt to notice red flags and toxic behavior""
3."You can learn a lot about your partner from interactions with their family and friends. The behavior I saw in my own partner didn't make sense until I was around his family."
4."If you haven't had the big important discussions with your SO, you shouldn't be getting married. Kids: Do you both want/not want them? Money: Do you share the same habits with spending? If not, figure out a way to coexist so you don't fight constantly about money (hint: separate bank accounts). Communication: Can you talk about the hard stuff like adults without being passive-aggressive or giving silent treatment? In-laws: Do they have your back when your in-laws are being unreasonable? If they always side with mommy, RUN."
"I'm sure I'll get pushback on this, but marriage shouldn't be hard. You will go through hard times, and you both have to put in the effort to maintain the relationship, but the marriage itself shouldn't be hard."
5."Marriage is so much more than a commitment of love. It's a promise to take on many things, but the ones people never think about are credit and debt. If you wouldn't go into business with this person, don't marry them."
"Even if you keep separate accounts, their debt and bad credit can impact you for decades."
6."'Never going to bed angry' is so stupid. Nothing will get solved when you're both angry or upset AND sleep deprived. Get some rest, and have the conversation when you're both thinking more clearly (and have had some time to process your feelings)."
7."I wish I knew how inherently uneven the workload would be. He hates that he pays for most of our expenses in comparison to me (he makes double what I make), and I hate that I'm the primary parent/caregiver/homemaker and still work full-time on top of that. I'm constantly working and getting less sleep than him."
"Being a mother has made me realize how unfair and at a huge disadvantage women are, especially when we have kids."
8."One, it's not always 50–50. Sometimes it's 70–30, sometimes 10–90, and sometimes 0–100. Instead of keeping tabs like a hawk, as long as the division of labor (physical or mental) seems fair to both of you at the time, keep doing it. Two, love doesn't fill the cracks in a relationship. It's only one emotion. Mutual respect and open communication are everything. If you don't 'like' and 'respect' your partner, no amount of love will save your relationship."
"Three, have that argument. Have it out. Say exactly what you feel and gear up to hear exactly what your partner wants to say. It's not always pretty and can get hurtful if not said with consideration. But silence and swallowing of feelings just 'to keep the peace at home' leads to resentment, and resentment will kill your marriage faster than you can spell DIVORCE."
9."Together 25 years, married for 20. 'Ebb and flow' — remember those words. You will have days or even weeks when you and your spouse will not see eye to eye on anything and then days or weeks when you are in literal harmony. During the 'bad times,' think of it as an ebb and know the flow, 'good times,' are coming again soon."
10."I wish I knew how much we'd grow together and build a life together. I had never wanted to get married. Every marriage in my family ended up with two unhappy people (divorced or still together), and I always wanted to be independent and didn't see the two mixing, but boy, do they! I feel more self-aware and confident now. My spouse is my best friend and supports me in pursuing my interests. And I try to do the same for them. I love my relationship."
"It makes facing hard days easier knowing I can exhale when I get home and be completely myself with someone. I never knew life could be this easy with another person. It's just so good. We make each other better people."
–Anonymous, 40, Massachusetts
11."Don't get married thinking you can change them. People rarely change, and things are less rose-colored when you're legally tied down to that person."
"You cannot change them; love them as they are or get out before it gets ugly. Red flags are there for a reason. Going into marriage believing you can make them into a better partner is the absolute wrong way to start a marriage. I’m not saying they can’t grow as people — I am saying that they have to want to be a better person. No amount of pleading can cause someone to become different than their true nature. Be honest, communicate, and listen. Sure, we hear, but it takes a real partner to listen."
–Anonymous, 43, USA
12."No matter what, you'll always have to deal with in-laws. At some point, either your relatives are the difficult in-laws from your partner's point of view, or you are the one having trouble with your partner's side of the family. If you handle it as a team, you'll only make it through."
13."You will not remember every small thing on your wedding day, nor will you know what color the napkins were or what shoes your bridesmaids wore. You get eight hours max, and at the end of the day, you will go to bed, and it will feel like a normal day. Don't waste a down payment on a house, car money, or over 100 hours of your life planning for just eight hours."
"At the end of the day, all that matters is that you and your partner were happy together."
14."If at any time, you have a feeling in your gut that you shouldn't marry them...then don't. Even if it's when you're about to walk down the aisle. Listen to your gut."
15."The love most people think of when they say they love someone is just infatuation or lust. Real, true love is choosing to love the other person through the nitty-gritty tasks of life. Choosing to do something for them even though you don't want to do it, but because they're important to you and you care about them, you do it. It's in the little things and big things. It's in choosing to respond instead of react."
"It's hugging them when they're sad. Going to a ball game with them even though you don't like sports. It's making them their favorite meal even though you don't like it. It's helping them when they're down and celebrating with them in the wins. It's respecting their opinion even though you disagree. It's a choice, not a feeling."
16."You need to know how you each argue/deal with conflict. There will be fights, but it's important how you handle them. My husband grew up in a quiet, almost overly polite house, so yelling is a big trigger for him, and he shuts down. I'm more of a let's yell and get it all out person. The first few arguments took some navigation."
"You're going to disagree, but you still need to be respectful."
17."I wish I would've known about and paid attention to the concept of mental load and weaponized incompetence. For certain, when you become a mother, but even before that, most men are incapable of anticipatory planning or the work it takes to run a well-functioning household. Even the most 'feminist' of them still need to actively unlearn and put in the work to see that they are equally responsible for the household and children. Women end up doing everything because deep down, men do not feel that it is their responsibility."
"It doesn't matter how good a job you have, or if you make 10x more money, whatever. They're still going to ask you where the scissors are, leave their dirty socks on the floor, or gripe bout 'babysitting' their own damn children because they just don't see it as their job. I wish I had known this before I had children."
18."I wish I knew that marital boundaries are very different from all of the boundaries you've set before. Realistically, there are things and experiences outside of sex that you will share with your partner and no one else. My husband was unfaithful, which was previously a firm boundary for me. However, in our marriage, I found I was much more willing to have a conversation about what led to the behavior and how we're addressing it as a team."
"It's not a win-lose but an ongoing discussion. One that's only happening with my spouse and I, not my girlfriends, over brunch, and that's okay."
–Anonymous, 20, Arizona
19."I got married almost 10 years ago, and my husband and I are both very different from our wedding day. The reality is that you and your spouse will change as people as you age. In some ways, you only know who you’re committing yourself to today. You may have an idea, but you don’t really know who your spouse will be 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now."
"You will have to find out! If you are serious about marriage and 'for better or worse,' this is a reality you’ll have to come to terms with. Commitment means staying together and working it out through anything. 'Growing apart' is not an option — because you’re signing up for it by getting married!"
–Anonymous, 29, Ohio
20."I wish I paid more attention to my partner's mental health status. I wish I was more aware of the fact that whatever your spouses mental health disorders are, they essentially become yours as well. It's important to ask yourself if you can handle that load? Will it lessen your quality of life? How well do you know the dark side of the person you are marrying?"
"It’s important to know your person after the honeymoon phase has passed and the comfortability has set in. It just is."
–Anonymous, 36, Texas
21."Things that are a big deal: how you solve conflicts, proximity to parents, whether you want children, and how to share responsibilities in the house. You may get caught up early on in things that really don’t matter. You may develop conflict resolution styles that undermine your marriage. In a healthy marriage, both people grow in adapt."
"They support one another when there are problems, and there will always be problems. I think that both people need their friend sets. I also think that both marriage partners need their separate hobbies but similar values."
22."I have been married for seven years, and everything was blissfull until the day I went into labor with my second baby. I wish I knew everything could change, and I wouldn’t recognize the person I married anymore. You think you're strong, you think you having babies is just going to make everything that much better because you two are so in sync, but unless you are totally honest, the whole thing can blow up."
"In my cas,e I wish I knew how important my complete devotion to my husband was and that ultimately he was jealous of our kids because now I have two perfect kids, and there is no question about the choice I need to make."
–Anonymous, 38, Oregon
And finally...
23."It’s important to define what 'being married' means to both of you. What do you expect once you tie the knot? What do division of household duties look like? My husband and I did this activity in premarital counseling, and it really helped us both see what our expectations were — both from what we saw as children in our own households and what we envision when we get married."
"Our division of household duties is so effortless because our expectations were aligned, and there were no surprises. I truly recommend this experience."
–Anonymous, 37, Arkansas
Married women, what are some other things you wish you knew before getting married? Tell us in the comments below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
