Marriage Takes A Hit After Kids, But These 6 Things Can Help
Kids bring a lot of joy and fulfillment into our lives, but they take a lot, too — our time, money, energy and attention. It’s easy for a parent’s relationship with their child to become central, pushing all of their other relationships to the periphery. That often has a detrimental effect on a marriage.
There has been a lot of research over the years that, with a few exceptions, has points toward the same conclusion: having kids reduces marital satisfaction. One meta-analysis (a study of studies) published in 2004 found that parents reported less marital satisfaction than couples without children, and that satisfaction decreased with the more children a couple had.
Within this overall trend, however, different studies have uncovered some interesting variations. A large international study that included couples from 33 countries also found that while marital satisfaction decreased with the more children that a couple had, the decline was less steep for men, couples that were low-income and couples that were religious. Another study found that while, overall, “parenthood hastens marital decline,” couples who had higher marital satisfaction prior to becoming parents and couples whose pregnancies were planned experienced this decline to a lesser degree.
These variations in the data suggest that a steep decline in marital satisfaction after having children is not necessarily inevitable. If family planning and religion can be protective factors, then there must be other practices that couples can engage in to preserve the health of their marriage as they embark on their parenting journey.
Jordyn Dean, a former newscaster who now runs a media company, says that she has found several practices that keep her marriage strong.“After having kids, I quickly realized the importance of carving out ‘me time’ to ensure I’m showing up as the best version of myself in my marriage. Every day, I dedicate at least an hour to working out, which helps me maintain not just my physical health but also my emotional well-being,” Dean told HuffPost. A touch of makeup also helps her feel “confident,” she said, “and that confidence keeps the spark alive with my husband, too.”Since she and her husband both manage their own schedules, they “try to get creative with our time together,” scheduling bi-weekly “lunch dates while the kids are at school.” Religion plays a role in maintaining their connection, too, Dean said, echoing the findings of the international study mentioned above. She says she and her husband pray for each other.“It helps each of us feel seen, heard and appreciated,” Dean said.
HuffPost spoke to two experts on sex and relationships about things parents (and parents-to-be) can do to bolster the strength of their partnership and protect it from the stresses of raising children together.
Talk about expectations and beliefs.
Sit down with your partner and talk about what you imagine your connection looking like once you become parents — ideally, before the baby comes.
Jennifer Gunsaullus, a sociologist who works in California as an intimacy and relationship coach, told HuffPost that sometimes one partner (often the mother in a heterosexual couple) is reluctant to leave the children with a sitter, which can make taking time together, i.e. date night, next to impossible.
“If both of them are on the same page, no problem,” Gunsaullus said. “But often they aren’t,” she continued, which is why she recommends “hashing that out” beforehand, “managing expectations and getting clear on your beliefs and your values and your fears and your commitments.”
Gunsaullus also warned against “romanticized” Hollywood notions that marriage shouldn’t require any work, or that “love conquers all.” Maintaining a healthy relationship once kids arrive will require extra attention, effort and communication. That may include finding and lining up a babysitter, or arranging a childcare swap with another family, so that you and your partner can have some time dedicated to your partnership.
Joy Berkheimer, a therapist based in Florida, said that she has noticed that couples who “have a set of values that prioritize the children’s care over the relationship” are particularly susceptible to falling into patterns that wear away their relationship over time. Of course, parents should prioritize their children in many ways, but when doing so comes at the expense of dedicating any time or energy to their partnership, the relationship suffers.
Be intentional with the time you do have together.
Whether it’s date nights, lunch dates or however else it materializes, your couple time is a precious, limited resource that you need to treat with respect.
“Be intentional about the time,” Gunsaullus advised. “Do not talk logistics about the kids.”
When the conversation (inevitably) turns to the kids, be mindful about getting back on track. You might think about what you used to discuss before the kids came — something that’s been on the news or in your mind, such as “a dream that you’ve pushed to the side because of having kids,” Gunsaullus said.
When it comes to working through challenges in your relationship, don’t delay in seeking outside support; books, courses or counseling may be useful. While your lives as parents may look very different than they did before, actively choosing to work on your relationship shows that it’s your “priority to maintain this deep love and connection that we had in the beginning,” Berkheimer said.
Create daily rituals of connection.
For busy couples whose lives are filled with work and caregiving and other stress, Gunsaullus said, “I try to create little connection activities for them that only take five or 10 minutes.”
These are moments, she said, for couples “to actually be able to see each other, to feel a heart-to-heart connection with each other, to take some deep breaths together.”
It can feel contrived or cheesy at first, but small rituals can go a long way in keeping a connection alive amidst the chaos. Gunsaullus said she sometimes suggests that couples set a timer for three minutes and, during that time, do nothing other than look into each other’s eyes and synchronize their breath.
“I find couples that are willing to take the time to do it, they say that it makes such a profound difference in their connection,” she said. “You don’t even have to talk. You do have to be willing to tear yourself away from zoning out, and that takes some energy to do. And you do have to be willing to open your heart.”
Another quick ritual option is what Gunsaullus called a “melting hug,” where you embrace for a few minutes, silently sync your breath and relax into one another. This kind of touch can reduce stress and help you relax.
A few minutes of connection when you see each other at the end of the day, before launching into the homework-dinner-bedtime routine, gives you a chance to acknowledge your partner’s presence and their feelings and needs as well as the connection that you share.
Maintain a baseline level of connection with regular check-ins.
It’s easy to let days, weeks, months and even years go by without asking your partner if they’re getting what they need. Gunsaullus suggested finding a level of connection that feels “good enough” for both of you, and checking in about how that connection feels every month or so.
Some “couples come to me when their kids are teenagers, and they’ve slipped so far away from each other. They build so many walls of resentment and hurt feelings and disappointment and then they’re like, ‘Oh, we don’t know how we got here.’”
Regular check-ins, she said, are “your insurance policy against that.” Ask yourselves, “What is the basic level each of you needs for connection, just to make sure you’re not going backwards,” Gunsaullus suggested. “You may not be moving forwards, but at least you’re staying connected enough for now, and then when you start getting some more bandwidth ... you can build on getting a deeper connection,” she said.
Berkheimer recalled a check-in ritual with her partner that involved having coffee together on the patio on Saturday mornings. She also kept a jar with pieces of paper handy throughout the week, and when something came up for one person they could write it down on the slip of paper and stick it in the jar. Then they would pull these out on Saturday to talk through. This process creates a safe space, she said, to talk through concerns and potentially notice what patterns emerge. It can also reduce the risk of starting a fight by addressing the issue after the heat of the moment has passed.
Make opportunities for intimacy, but don’t force yourselves to have scheduled sex.
Because sexual needs vary from one couple to another, instead of prescribing a specific frequency of sexual activities, Gunsaullus recommends that couples schedule what she calls “naked, happy fun time,” which involves removing some or all of your clothing and holding each other or cuddling in a way that is intentional but doesn’t necessarily lead to sex (although it definitely can!).
“I want it to be more light and fun and connecting without a specific goal,” Gunsaullus said, “not a linear experience that plays out in an expected way.”
If your goal for your sex life is to spice things up or keep it interesting, you can find resources such as a deck of fantasy cards that will present new ideas for you to try in the bedroom, Berkheimer said.
Listen to what your partner is telling you and be open to their bids for connection.
It’s critical that during your check-ins or moments of intimacy, you not trivialize or disparage things that your partner says they need.
“Anything you do that shuts down the safety and openness of your partner being able to share how they feel about things and their needs will work against you,” Gunsaullus said.
“If one thing is really important to one person in a relationship, that means it’s really important to the relationship — even if it doesn’t make sense to you, even if you don’t think it’s that important, even if you just want to brush it off,” she continued.
In a similar vein, it’s important that you respond to your partner’s “bids” for connection, which psychologists John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman define as any attempt to connect with you, from asking, “How did work go today?” to leaning in for a kiss.
Each bid is an opportunity to turn toward each other rather than away, nurturing your connection with small exchanges that, added together, strengthen your overall relationship.
Taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and making an effort to appeal to them is another way to fortify your connection. Gunsaullus said that, in her experience, the love language of mothers caring for small children is almost always “acts of service” — so don’t doubt that doing the dishes without being asked is a way to nurture your marriage.
