Marian Keyes on the three secrets to a successful marriage (including divorcing your mobile phone)
The thing I've learned after more than 30 years with my husband Tony is that are no hard and fast rules when it comes to sustaining long-term relationships. Any connection between two human beings is unique; no matter how atypical your life together might seem to the outside world, if you’re both on the same page, then all is well.
What matters is that you share points of intimacy that are meaningful to you both. Much is made of regular "date nights" to "keep the spark alive" but (speaking from experience) date nights can feel mortifyingly contrived. It might be worth trying it once but if it’s not for you, intimacy can be whatever you decide it is – eating dinner together, going to see a movie by the director you both loved in your 20s. Even sitting down together to do a household budget can be very bonding, so long as both parties are kind and respectful.
Bizarre as it sounds, intimacy doesn’t even need both parties present at the same time: leaving a coffee at your person’s bedside for when they wake up is a small gesture that means a huge amount. On a cold morning, coming out to discover that the ice has already been scraped off my car’s windscreen always makes me feel cherished and grateful.
Secondly, it’s vital to remember that your long-term partner does not belong to you. Just because you’re sure you know them inside out, don’t think that they’ll never surprise you or act "out of character" – or at least the "character" you’re familiar with. We can never fully know another person, just as we can never fully know ourselves. Humans are constantly changing, often in accordance with an internal script that was laid down a long time before you met them.
To keep a relationship truly alive, we need to pay attention, bearing in mind that middle-age throws up a lot of scary stuff. Something as small as being prescribed statins might alert our partner to their own mortality and plunge them into existential despair. A crisis such as this needs a series of adaptive, caring responses that might never before have been necessary. Anyone in a long-term relationship will frequently find themselves in uncharted territory, where the road forward has to be constructed together.
Finally, love is constructed from a million small moments. So when your person is telling you something they’re interested in or excited by, give them your full, undivided attention. That phone in your hand? Put it down and – don’t panic, it’s only for five minutes - out of sight. Turn your body directly towards them, give full, generous eye-contact and listen. Try to tune out the internal voice saying, Hurry it up there, I’ve got stuff to be getting on with.
Whatever your partner is passionate about may not be hugely interesting to you but it is to them: not only is it important to stay current with their concerns but it’s basic good manners - manners that you would probably afford to a near stranger or work colleague, so why not the person you share your life with?
My Favourite Mistake by Marian Keyes (Michael Joseph) is out now in paperback
My Favourite Mistake by Marian Keyes
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