How to manage a personality who thinks they’re always right

We all know someone. The person over there; mouthing off, not listening to anyone else, believing they have the ultimate solution to all the problems that ever existed in the world. Irritating doesn’t begin to describe it. I once worked with a woman who dominated every team meeting with her skull-scraping voice, getting louder by the minute and talking over anyone who dared to pipe up. She once told our very experienced CEO at the Christmas party that she’d watched a YouTube video on great leadership skills and thought he might want the link.

Yet, while the bombastic blathering of such a seemingly obnoxious raconteur is enough to spoil the most jovial of festive gatherings, we may need to rethink our reaction to them. Experts agree that people who behave in this way lack self-awareness, and underneath the gusto, they might not be quite as assertive as they seem.

In fact, they could very well be feeling isolated, anxious, even afraid. Joanne Strong, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) accredited therapist says, “I know it’s not easy to look beyond the overbearing exterior, but this kind of person could benefit from a level of compassion. There is usually something more difficult going on which has led them to this way of being.”

What’s with the unpleasant behaviour?

It’s complex. We are all the product of personal experience, and certain events and influences – good and bad – will shape our behaviour. It’s not only our early childhood that paves the way for our future selves; the perception of us at school, university and work can lead to a bloated sense of entitlement and rule – particularly when it comes to males.

Multiple studies indicate the bias that is felt against women, with gender equality lagging far behind the prevalence given to males when dishing out positions of authority. From dot, boys learn to speak up and be noticed. They are rewarded for their confidence. And most of us have known an arrogant boss who dictates rather than inspires and is revered as a strong leader.

At the more disturbing end of the spectrum, the allegations recently made against Gregg Wallace by a number of women suggest a man whose behaviour and position of power has intimidated. Yet past interviews reveal Wallace endured his own childhood trauma. How can we not wonder if his coping mechanism has influenced his apparent lack of self awareness around the severity of his actions? Dame Prue Leith recently said, “The tragedy in this is that Gregg has no idea what he’s done wrong.”

Joanne Strong points out, “People with these sorts of personalities find it hard to accept another’s point of view. Listening and accepting how others think requires self-assurance. But it’s worth remembering, even though the behaviour seems big, they may actually feel small and insecure.

“It’s possible they weren’t encouraged to have an opinion when they were younger, or they were shot down if they did and so it felt unsafe to speak up or make a mistake. When our thoughts are dismissed or we are ridiculed, it can make us feel ashamed or vulnerable. Some people over compensate for this later by being more dominant.”

Lola Borg, a London-based psychotherapist, adds, “It’s often a strategy they’ve developed for dealing with an uncertain world. But it also gets them noticed; something that may not have happened in their early years. Those who lack self-awareness tend to look at the world from a more rigid stance. For them to be right, others must be wrong. And if you challenge them, they tend to double down. This makes it hard for anyone else to have a voice.”

Why we all need more self-awareness

Living in an ego-centric bubble will isolate a person. Who wants to hang around a jabbering bore who enjoys nothing better than telling you over and over what they think? But the upsetting reality is that they are missing out on essential human connection.

Joanna Strong understands the sadness behind this maladaptive behaviour. “They’ve built in ways to avoid getting close to others to protect themselves – if I keep people away, I can’t be hurt or made to feel bad. But, in turn, their difficult behaviour cuts them off from enjoying the more positive aspects of a good relationship.”

With strong self-awareness, we can expect that emotional intelligence and better empathy to the needs of others will follow. This opens a wealth of benefits to deeper and fulfilling interactions. If you can tap into what is going on for those around you, solid bonds will be built, based around mutual respect, trust, care and understanding. You will be able to reap the rewards of others’ ideas and perspectives, enjoy their support and consideration, feel valued, and above all, let down that constricting guard which until now has made you unpleasant company.

“It can be helpful to think about someone with this type of personality as you might a teenager,” suggests Lola Borg, “They are bolshy, opinionated, often contemptuous of the way others think or act. It’s an infantile state of mind and their behaviour can be exhausting for them and those around them. But rather than get into a pointless showdown, try to navigate them without anger or judgement. Being calm and diplomatic might be hard but it may nudge them towards toning it down.”

How to manage a friend or loved one who thinks they know it all

These sorts of characters are hard to support. The sheer fact that self-awareness is lacking means you’re starting from a tough place. Plus, they will be spiky to any kind of judgement and defensive to a different opinion. Confrontation will not end well.

To get the best out of them, they need to feel safe. This doesn’t mean pandering to their outbursts, but by remaining unruffled (not downtrodden), steadfast (not obstructive) and interested (not rapt) you may convey the feeling that I am happy to listen to what you have to say, I acknowledge your perspective, but I also have my own views.

“The most important thing to keep in mind is that none of us can control the behaviour of another person, change has to come from them,” says Amanda MacDonald, a BACP-accredited therapist, “But you can manage your response to them. It’s hard at this time of year, when the pressure of families gathering for Christmas intensifies. Emotions can be raw, so during this period, you may want to simply separate yourself from them and the situation. Or it could be helpful to have a pre-conceived plan with another relative about changing the subject or introducing some kind of diversion if the situation gets heated. At a later date, in a calmer environment, you may want to instigate a conversation around what’s going on with them.”

McDonald concedes that people who lack self-awareness can be problematic company. “They have embedded behaviour which pushes others away. But if there’s anyone out there reading this piece and wondering if they share these traits, that’s a real positive. It’s the start of them being more self aware and interested in making possible changes. Asking others for help and facing up to being more vulnerable tends to make people a whole lot happier.”