'My MAFS experience would've been so different if I didn’t have PMDD'
I can still remember sitting in the school canteen at the age of 13, wearing my navy blue uniform, the thick scent of oily chips wafting through the air. Everyone around me seemed to be laughing and joking without a care in the world, but I was on the outside. The noise washed over me: no teenage girl enjoys getting their period, but my classmates’ experiences didn’t seem to even slightly compare with mine.
It wasn’t just the crippling physical symptoms of my period that I dreaded, but my mood switching from happy to distraught in mere minutes. I’d be hunched over my textbooks while dealing with stabbing pains, fatigue and just generally feeling like I didn't fit in, all because of how extreme the symptoms were.
By the time I reached my twenties, my period-related symptoms had gotten even more severe. I was erratic, my mood uncontrollable and unpredictable for at least half of the month in the run up to menstruation, leaving my parents helpless. Sometimes, I was scared to leave the house for fear of leaking through a large pad and tampon in a matter of minutes. While most other girls my age were out shopping for cute party outfits, I chose what to wear based on what I thought would best hide any potential bloodstains. To say I was miserable and isolated would be an understatement.
My PMS and heavy periods wreaked havoc on my love life too.
When I eventually did get into my first relationship at the age of 21, initially being with somebody helped me to feel ‘normal’ – but it didn’t last long. The same happened with my second serious relationship too: I’d become very over-stimulated, my feelings and emotions heightened. I took everything personally and I was so scared of doing something wrong that I was difficult to spend time with. It was clear that there were three personalities in the relationship.
Add to this, my sleeping pattern was horrendous, my appetite would fluctuate and my energy levels were on the floor. Sometimes I’d swell from head to toe or be fighting cramps that left me curled up in a ball, dying to escape my own body. My bowels were impacted too and sometimes, the only way I could feel relief was sitting on the toilet with a hot water bottle pressed against me – hardly ideal for planning dates or intimacy. The fact a lot of the symptoms were invisible also left me fretting that my partners thought I was attention-seeking or exaggerating how bad it really was. All of this weighed heavy on my mind, even during my two ‘good’ weeks of the month. All I wanted was a diagnosis and to have my pain validated.
I hit a breaking point at the age of 24. Sat in my car, I became inconsolable after a cheeseburger fell apart in my hands and made a mess. Back at home, I sat in my front room facing the wall, rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably. There was nothing anybody could say that would help or fix me. I began experiencing intrusive thoughts too. Sometimes I’d be driving and would fantasise about flinging my door open on the motorway or getting into a crash, taking away my mental and physical anguish. I began to act recklessly and drink heavily every weekend in a bid to feel like I was ‘normal’, making my friends and family so worried.
Whenever I went to a doctor to discuss what I was going through, they’d want to put me on antidepressants (despite me insisting that wasn’t the solution) or yet another type of contraception, or fuss around with the doses of the pills I was already on. All of which just left me feeling ignored and like a human guinea pig. Nobody ever suggested I might be living with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), a mood disorder connected to my menstrual cycle.
After turning thirty and getting myself back to a bit of a better place mentally, I thought about applying for Married At First Sight UK. At first I had huge doubts because of my PMDD, knowing how much it has impacted on my previous relationships, but there was also a voice in the back of my head that said I deserved the chance of finding love just as much as anyone else. The disorder had already taken so much from me, including huge chunks of what should have been my carefree and flirty teenage years and twenties, so I decided to take the plunge.
Surprisingly, it was going on MAFS UK that led to me having a real medical breakthrough and getting an official PMDD diagnosis, along with a treatment plan. It’s bittersweet that that’s how it played out, especially when it comes to my relationship with Kieran Chapman, who I married on the programme.
I filmed the show for three months, between January and March of 2024 – meaning I was on camera throughout three menstrual cycles. The condition ended up being a big part of my storyline, but the moments that made it onto air are just a snippet of what it’s really like to live with PMDD and try to build a relationship.
Kieran and I first spoke about my PMDD on our honeymoon and he was hugely supportive during this conversation; I felt really comfortable speaking to him about it all. But the first time Kieran saw me in full on PMDD mode, the disorder struck three days ahead of when I’d been anticipating it to – and to say it was like a wrecking ball smashing through our marriage was an understatement. Filming had to be paused because of my fatigue and exhaustion, and although Kieran did what he could to keep me smiling and comfortable (like running baths and filling hot water bottles) it was hard for us both.
Understandably, there were times that we both questioned if we could keep going in the marriage and Kieran admitted that he had underestimated quite how much PMDD would affect us. I’d become frustrated if I had to explain the symptoms over and over, and of course Kieran would want to fix things for me – but there wasn’t a solution he could magic up.
Kieran was as patient and as understanding as he could be, but it’s not a disorder that is spoken about a lot, so we can’t expect partners to know how to deal with it right away. Although there are amazing advocates raising awareness of PMDD, like Vicky Pattison (who by sharing her symptoms is the one who helped me to realise that I likely had PMDD too, before being formally diagnosed), information is still limited. It felt like my disorder was a grey cloud that constantly dimmed the sunshine of our relationship, but we’d both always be looking out for the rainbow to appear once the rain had stopped and the clouds had cleared.
Although PMDD really did cause our relationship to suffer, being on MAFS UK actually helped my condition in an unexpected way. When I joined the show I was still struggling and hadn’t been given an official diagnosis despite being sure that I had PMDD (after countless hours of research). The behind-the-scenes psychologists on the show were the ones who told me I deserved a diagnosis, that my concerns and feelings were valid – and supported me with chatting to yet another doctor about everything. They drummed into me that I’m the expert of my own body and that I deserved to be listened to.
Post-filming, I was seen by a specialist gynaecologist who cared, who gave me my diagnosis of PMDD and most crucially, a prescription for medication which has changed everything for me. Now, I can regulate my emotions better. I feel like Kristina for longer, as I’m less sensitive, and while I’m still struggling with sleep it’s a dream come true to get my smile back for more weeks of the month.
When the time is right I’d still like to have a full hysterectomy – that’s how much this disorder has affected me – but the difference since starting my tablets is incredible. It’s a bit gutting to think about how my MAFS UK journey could have been so different if I’d have been on medication at the start of it. It’s hard for me to recognise the girl on screen now. But I have no regrets about how it all played out; the show gave me the opportunity to portray what it’s like to have PMDD, ups and downs laid bare, along with the reality of dating with it.
The experience of marrying Kieran taught me that I need to be with a partner who is willing to learn about the disorder alongside me, who will communicate during the dark times and who brings patience and compassion to the table. MAFS UK also helped me to fall back in love with myself, after years of being at war with my own body and mind.
I am so much more than the condition and I know that the right person will always love all the parts of me. Kristina is loving, fun and thoughtful. She’s adventurous, positive and loyal, as well as a strong and resilient warrior. I’ve come to realise since being on the show and meeting Kieran that if somebody wants to be with you, then they will be.
I knew going on MAFS UK would change my life, but I never could have imagined it would help to save it too.
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