‘I’m struggling to support my sister while protecting my peace - I love her but I’m exhausted’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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I’m struggling to support my sister while protecting my own peace. She’s been in multiple abusive relationships and her current partner of less than a year is no exception. He cheated on her with a sex worker, but she took him back and now they’re back in the same cycle. There are other red flags, including love bombing at the start of the relationship, controlling behaviour and a lack of accountability or remorse. I’m exhausted seeing her accept this behavior and I want nothing to do with him. I love my sister, but I don’t know how to support her without compromising my own emotional wellbeing. How can I help her without getting caught in this toxic situation?
Lala says…
You know when you get on a plane and they give you safety advice and they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others because if you’re struggling to breathe you won’t be much use to anyone? Well, this is much like that. It can feel selfish to put your own mental health and wellbeing first, but I can assure you that it isn’t. Setting boundaries and prioritising your own emotional needs will put you in a better position to be there for her when she needs you.
When a loved one is in a toxic or abusive relationship it feels like a living nightmare. Watching them go back to a person who has caused them harm or distress or repeating similar patterns with new partners can generate a ton of complicated feelings. Even when we know how hard it is to leave, it can feel frustrating and infuriating to witness our loved one make what seem like bad choices. Sometimes it can feel like they’re choosing the awful partner over you. Or you can reach the point where you think ‘you’re actually an idiot’ or where you just can’t be bothered to go through the same exhausting cycle of trying to help them to leave only to watch them go back soon after. It can make you want to give up. We can also experience deep fear and anxiety about their safety and what might happen in the future if they don’t leave now. It is incredibly harrowing to watch someone under the grips of control whilst feeling helpless and unable to save them.
It is important to acknowledge those feelings and to work through them, therapy will help. It sounds like you have good knowledge around the signs of abuse, but it would be useful for you to get really familiar with the nature of abusive relationships and why they are so hard to leave. That will help you to grapple with the frustrations that might lead to victim blaming thoughts, and if you’re not having those, it will still ground you and help you to remember how incredibly hard and messy it can be for people who are stuck in the cycle of abuse. This book Surviving - Why We Stay and How We Leave Abusive Relationships by Beverley Gooden might help.
We cannot force someone to leave. Most victims will leave when they’re ready and not before. So, there is never really any point in going on at them about it. It is important to express your concerns and to let your loved one know about available support services, encourage them to access therapy, let them know you’re worried and that you will always be there to support, but once you’ve sown those seeds that is enough. Being there for her if and when she reaches out is the best thing you could do. However, it is also completely OK for you to set boundaries around how much you feel able to take on. It is OK for you to limit time with your sister if it's taking its toll. You can say, “I love you, and I'm here for you whenever you need me, but I find it difficult to see you being treated so badly so I need to step back for a bit.” You can also set boundaries about not having to be around her partner if you don’t want to be.
One of the best ways to support someone in an abusive relationship is to make sure that your time with them is a space for them to replenish. It doesn’t need to be time spent continuously talking about your worries for them. Life at home for her sounds hard, so having a space where she can feel joy and love and focus on something else will be good for her. It’s also important for you to spend your time without her replenishing yourself and doing things that bring you happiness, that will help you to rebalance your emotional wellbeing. Stay around for her, even if it’s just in the background. Her partner will want her to be isolated so it is important to commit to supporting her and being there when she needs you, even if you have taken a step back from being actively involved in her life,
Being there for your sister doesn’t mean that you have to risk your own mental health. By setting boundaries and focusing on what you can control you can support her whilst also supporting yourself.
