Should you let your 15-year-old drink alcohol with you at home?
Can you remember your first alcoholic drink? A glass of fizz at Christmas? A WKD vodka ‘alcopop’ at a house party with friends? A sip of your parent’s cocktail on holiday? What about how old you were? Did you wait until the legal drinking age of 18? Or were you younger?
According to a recent study, commissioned by the World Health Organisation (WHO), the number of children in England drinking alcohol has soared, with one in three having an alcoholic drink by the age of 11.
It’s a topic that many parents disagree on. Specifically – when you should start having conversations with your child about alcohol, and when you should introduce it to them (under your watchful eye), if ever.
But the science is clear – alcohol is a toxin and the earlier children are exposed to drink, the more likely they are to go on to misuse it. In fact, the World Health Organization have stated that ‘when it comes to alcohol consumption, there is no safe amount that does not affect health’.
With studies now suggesting that adolescent drinking could impair the brain's long-term development, particularly the hippocampus, which helps them to make memories and learn, it seems that delaying the age of alcohol initiation and limiting the amount drunk by young people is wisest when it comes to their health and well-being. But how do you go about saying ‘no’ if your teenager asks for alcohol?
Rachel Coler Mulholland, counsellor, children’s mental health expert and author of The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room - Talking to Your Kids About Sex & Other Sensitive Topics (published last month) has nearly 1 million followers on TikTok, and is often dishing out much-needed wisdom on talking to kids and answering their awkward questions.
We caught up with the mum of three to find out her top tips for parents...
WH: Can you remember how you were introduced to alcohol as a teenager?
RCM: Alcoholism runs in my family, so we had plenty of frank discussions about how to handle alcohol, what it was for, and how to know if there was a problem brewing. We also saw my parents model what they thought was the best way to consume alcohol: My dad was abstinent all but one day of the year – on SuperBowl Sunday he would get a 6-pack of beer, drink one, and let the other five rot in the fridge until my mum threw them out some weeks later, Wash, rinse, repeat.
WH: Have you followed the same rules implemented by your parents, with your own kids?
RCM: I have followed in my dad’s footsteps for the most part – I had a period of less restrictive drinking in my early 20s, but by the time my oldest was able to observe what I was up to, I had taken to only occasionally buying cider for the house.
To this day, I will pick up some ciders for a garden gathering or a special occasion, but I don’t keep any alcohol in the house. I’ve explained to my kids how I’ve struggled with being addicted to other things – sweets, and for a time cigarettes – so I don’t feel like I need to tempt myself with something like alcohol.
WH: Should parents be introducing teens to alcohol at home to encourage responsible drinking at university?
RCM: This is a question that’s entirely dependent on the family – there are professionals who will say yes, and those who will say no, and both sides have ways to back up their arguments.
My professional belief is that if teens are going to be introduced to alcohol, they need to also be informed of the practices and science that will help them be safe. This includes waiting to have any alcohol until after the age of 15 because their body hasn’t developed enough to handle it before then.
WH: Research suggests that the younger kids are when they start drinking, the higher their risk will be for developing alcohol use disorder. Is there a minimum age we should consider before offering our kids a few sips of Champagne at Christmas?
RCM: Best practice says yes – children shouldn’t have any alcohol before the age of 15, because body composition, cognitive maturity, and overall physical development are unlikely to be in a place to handle alcohol before then. Will every child who had a few sips of alcohol before the age of 15 become dependent? No. Will every child experience negative physical effects? No. But is it worth risking it? You have to decide.
WH: What's the best way to navigate different parenting opinions?
RCM: You can only manage your own boundaries – that is to say, you can only control your own behaviour and reactions to other people’s behaviours. Other people are allowed to believe what they want, and it’s your job as a parent to decide if those are people you feel comfortable having your teen spend time with.
It’s also valuable to share with your teen why your boundaries are what they are – it’s important that you know and help them figure out their own ‘whys’. Because, ultimately, as their personal neighbourhood expands, it will be on them to live by and advocate for their own value system.
You can set rules and exercise some control, but asking your teen to contribute to forming them is one of the best ways to encourage them to ‘buy in’ to following them.
How to talk to teens about alcohol
Even the best parent-child relationships get to the point where one party (or both) feel like they just can’t say or ask what they need to. Here, Coler Mulholland offers her top tips on navigating those tricky conversations around alcohol.
Remember that conversations about drinking should be just that – conversations. Try to listen at least as much as you talk, if not more. Try to remember that you were young once, but that your kid is a different person facing a different landscape than the one you grew up in. You might be able to empathise but don’t make assumptions. Also – don’t lie! If you drank when you were young, be honest about the ‘whys’ and the consequences. Be open about a family history of alcohol abuse, if there is one.
The conversation isn’t a ‘one and done’ situation – you should start when they’re young and have lots of discussions over a long period of time. Conversations should happen in relaxed times and settings – not right before they’re headed out with friends or during a disagreement about something else.
Be fair and clear about the rules – allow your child’s input – and stick to them. Boundaries and guidelines are proven to help kids feel safer.
Your kiddo is human and is very likely to make mistakes and poor choices. Think ahead to how you’ll handle these mistakes so that you’re not caught flat-footed when they happen. Communicate to your child that your number one priority is their health and safety, so they can feel comfortable reaching out to you if and when they make mistakes. ‘You can always call me or your mum, even if you’ve done something stupid and need an out. We will always pick you up first, and deal with consequences later.’
For more honest wisdom on talking to kids about bodies, puberty, consent, and sex, The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room by Rachel Coler Mulholland (£9.99, Union Square & Co.) is available to buy now.
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