Know Someone Who Is Grieving? Here's The 1 Thing You Should Never Do, According To A Grief Expert.
Grief is tricky.
Not only can it be emotionally — and even physically — punishing for the person experiencing it, but it can also be difficult for the affected person’s loved ones.
What should we say? What shouldn’t we say? And what’s the No. 1 thing we should never do when we’re trying to support someone who is grieving?
Those are just a few of the questions that we — Noah Michelson and Lindsay Holmes, the hosts of this episode of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast ― asked M. Katherine Shear, M.D., the Marion E. Kenworthy Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University and the founding director of the Center for Prolonged Grief at the Columbia School of Social Work, when she dropped by our studio.
Listen to the full episode by pressing play:
“I think the first thing to remember about this is that you cannot make it better,” Shear told us. “We’re trying so hard to make it better, and the fact is, you can’t.”
This impulse, which she said psychologists sometimes refer to as a “righting reflex,” can actually make things worse.
“We try to, like, — especially when someone’s emotional in front of us — we want to kind of like take care of them and make it better and make it stop. And that’s really not necessarily what they want, right?” Shear noted. “[When we’re grieving], we don’t necessarily want to stop crying ... and we don’t want people around us to feel uncomfortable, either.”
Instead of trying to “make everything better,” Shear suggested we concentrate on showing the grieving person that we’re there for them.
“How we do that kind of depends on our relationship with them and ... taking our lead from them,” she said. “Sometimes it is doing things for them — taking their kids to dance lessons ... or bringing them food.”
No matter what you choose, Shear recommends “sharing the grief” and offering “your time and your real interest.”
“[Don’t do any of these things] as an automaton,” she said. If you’re dropping off food, don’t deliver it and dash off (unless that’s what the person you’re visiting has requested). Spend a few minutes talking to them when you stop by, or enjoy the food together.
“Being there with them, I think that’s the main thing, both physically, but also, you know, being present [and] taking time, so you’re not rushing off to some other place.”
It’s also important to remember that the grieving individual may not be available to show up for their friendships in the same way that they usually are.
“There’s not the usual kind of reciprocity that we just naturally expect — it’s not there,” Shear explained. “It’s not going to last forever [and] that doesn’t mean your whole relationship with them has changed, but right now, it’s more up to you to be that caregiving person.”
Another thing Shear has found that many people who are grieving the death of a loved one would like their friends and family members to do is talk about the person who passed. Too often, she said, we avoid bringing up the deceased for fear of causing more pain, but often, memories are exactly what the grieving person is longing to share.
“Sharing stories is something that people always appreciate,” she said. “Not being afraid to talk about the [dead] person, even if they cry — even if it might make you cry — that is something that is very important.”
We also chatted about unexpected ways that grief might show up, why the “five stages of grief” may not be accurate but could still be beneficial for grieving people, and much more.
Listen to the full episode above or wherever you get your podcasts.
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For more information on Katherine Shear, visit the Center for Prolonged Grief. For more resources for grievers, head here. For a directory of therapists who specialize in grief therapy, click here.
Need some help with something you’ve been doing wrong? Email us at AmIDoingItWrong@HuffPost.com, and we might investigate the topic in an upcoming episode.
