Kimmel on Biden’s marijuana pardon: ‘Glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this’

Jimmy Kimmel

On Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel celebrated Joe Biden’s decision to pardon all prior federal offenses for simple marijuana possession, which affects more than 6,000 Americans. “The move stops short of full decriminalization, which will probably have to wait until we have a President Woodrow Harrelson or something,” Kimmel joked.

But “it is the most cannabis-friendly decision by a US president yet,” he continued. “And I for one am just glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this happen.”

Kimmel also mocked the Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker, an anti-abortion Republican who this week was revealed to have paid for his then-girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. The woman also said she had a child with Walker, who has been less than forthcoming on the campaign trail about his number of offspring.

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“In fairness to Herschel, he’s got a lot of mothers with a lot of children, so he’s supposed to remember all of them?” Kimmel quipped. “At this point, Herschel Walker has misrepresented so much of his life, they should give him the Lies-man Trophy.”

After the bombshell report of Walker’s private abortion stance, “Republicans are scrambling trying to figure out how to handle this,” said Kimmel. “Should they continue to back him for Senate? Or do they ask him to drop out so he can run for president in two years?”

Trevor Noah

“This is something that should’ve been done a long time ago,” said Trevor Noah of Biden’s pardon of federal marijuana offenses. “Can you imagine getting pardoned for this after seeing how mainstream weed has become in America? I bet witches probably feel the same way, you know – ‘Oh, so these hipster chicks can walk around Brooklyn with their candles, but when I do the same, I got burned!’”

In all seriousness, “this is really good for America,” the Daily Show host said.

“I know everybody is saying that Joe Biden is just doing this to boost his popularity before the midterms,” he added. “But in my opinion, I think maybe this thing hits closer to home. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Biden was secretly a huge pothead.

“Think about it: Joe Biden could smoke a lot of weed,” he noted. “He’s always puttering around like he forgot where he’s going, he’s wearing sunglasses everywhere he goes. I mean, he definitely talks like he’s high.”

Stephen Colbert

“That sneaky Joe Biden pulled an October surprise on the Republicans by doing something popular,” said Stephen Colbert of the marijuana pardon. “Today, Dark Brandon became Dank Brandon.”

Colbert also tore into news that the woman who says Herschel Walker paid for her abortion in 2009 also had a child with him. “Come on, man! How many secret kids does this guy have? Does he know he doesn’t get a free smoothie after 10?”

Asked by campaign reporters if he had reached out to any of the mothers of his children, Walker answered: “No … why do I need to?”

“Maybe to find out how your children are doing?” Colbert responded. “Remember? The ones you don’t remember? Plus, there’s so many of them, statistically it’s probably one of their birthdays.”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers looked at the state of the midterm races with less than a month to go until the election. Republicans have nominated many pro-Trump election deniers, “and while the opposition party historically is always heavily favored to perform well in off-year elections, Republicans are stumbling toward the finish line after several of their pro-Trump Maga candidates have just fully imploded,” he said.

One Ohio GOP candidate lied about his military service, the Pennsylvania Senate candidate Dr Mehmet Oz has been accused of killing over 300 dogs in his scientific experiments, and then there’s Herschel Walker’s hypocrisy over abortion in Georgia.

“The craziest thing is: the GOP just never runs out of ways to shock you,” Meyers said. “The Democrats no doubt have their flaws, but the GOP is like a magnet for all these pathological liars with incredibly sordid pasts.

“I can’t even begin to imagine who Trump is going to endorse next,” he continued, especially given new details on Trump in Confidence Man, a 600-plus-page tell-all by the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman released this week.

In an appearance on cable news, Haberman said Trump “believes that everyone is just like him. Everything is transaction, everything can be exchanged, everything can be reduced to a deal. There are no red lines. And so to show that there are no red lines always makes him happy.”

“I honestly didn’t think there was anything that made Trump happy, but now we know there is one thing: making the rest of us miserable,” said Meyers. “Like his mood will never change, but if he brings our moods down enough, his sour existence will count as happy and then, I don’t know, he’ll get a morning show where they spell his name with an exclamation point?”