You be the judge: should my son apologise to our neighbour for piling leaves in front of her house?

The prosecution: Jenny

There’s been a bit of leaf-sweeping drama on our road this autumn. Recently I was away with my husband, Pete, in Jamaica. I put our son Ed in charge of tidying up the fallen leaves in our front yard while we were away.

When I came back, I was stopped by our nextdoor neighbour, Linda. She was annoyed at how Ed had swept the leaves and felt he’d piled them up so they were closer to her side of the road, and that he had been a bit blase when she brought it up with him.

I listened to her concerns and apologised on behalf of our family. Personally, I don’t think Ed has done a bad job, but I do think we should do everything we can to avoid conflict with neighbours. It’s the sensible thing to do, to preserve harmony at all costs. But now Ed is offended. He says he spent two hours trying to help out and that Linda was rude to him.

Ed doesn’t want to apologise or rearrange the leaves; he’s even threatened not to sweep them up again. I do think that is a tad immature. He’s a 23-year-old man who lives at home and he needs to get better at taking feedback. He also needs to toe the line while he’s living under my roof. My husband and I don’t ask him to do much, and he doesn’t pay any rent.

I appreciate Ed’s help. I trust that he wasn’t rude to Linda, but unfortunately, that’s not how she has perceived it. I said to Ed: “Sometimes in life you have to apologise even when you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s unfair, but it’s just one of those situations.”

Linda is an elderly lady who has just moved in, so we should humour her a little and make sure she is comfortable with living on our road. Ed needs to stop being so dramatic and just move the leaves a little – it’s not a big deal and would only take him five minutes.

He doesn’t have to grovel, but he should make peace. I want him to knock on Linda’s door and sort this out, but he sees it as an admission of weakness. More leaves will fall, and I’ll expect Ed to do more sweeping in the next few weeks. It’s not an option to ignore this issue, or forgo this particular chore while he’s living at home.

The defence: Ed

My parents went away and asked me to sort out the leaves on our driveway. There is a large chestnut tree that grows at the end of our road, and during the autumn the fallen leaves collect on the pavement. My mum hates it when the leaves build up, as she thinks it makes the front of our house look messy. So I obliged. It’s one of the autumn jobs that I always do, and like to think I do it well.

However, I have now got into a mini-war with Linda over it – completely by accident. I swept the leaves into a pile, which Linda says is partially in front of the gate to her house. But there is a small gap between our houses and I think I actually swept the leaves in the gap between them.

Perhaps the pile slightly leans more to her side, but that’s life. It’s not blocking entry to her house or anything, and it’s a very neat pile. But Linda wasn’t happy and told me so in the street while my parents were away. I pointed out that she hadn’t swept any leaves up herself, and that I’d done her a favour by clearing the leaves in front of both our houses. It took me almost two hours to sweep up all the leaves.

But she didn’t like my rebuttal. Linda claimed she was always going to do her side and she didn’t thank me for helping. The next week she mentioned this conversation to my parents when they returned, and now my mum thinks I should apologise to Linda and also rearrange the pile of leaves.

I disagree. I wasn’t rude and I haven’t done anything wrong. Mum wants to keep the peace and I do get that. But I don’t think I should apologise for reducing Linda’s workload, especially when she was snarky with me and snitched on me to my parents.

I’m 23 but I know how to respect my elders. I’ve always swept the leaves and have got on well with all our neighbours. I think my parents should tell Linda that there’s no problem with the leaves as they are, otherwise she will think we are pushovers. Failing that, I’ll just stop sweeping the leaves in future. I feel like my good deed has been thrown back in my face.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Ed placate his mum by apologising to their neighbour?

Ed’s guilty for sure. Falling out with neighbours is bad business, especially over a pile of dead leaves! Sure, Linda sounds like a pain, but is it worth the aggro? It’s Jenny who will have to deal with the fallout.
Kate, 29

If this were Linda v Ed, I’d back the young man every day … However, it’s really Ed v Mum. I’m not religious but the Bible says “Honour your father and mother”. Ed, take note: Jenny’s house, Jenny’s rules. If you don’t like it, move out!
Thomas, 29

Ed is in the wrong but not for the reasons he thinks – he shouldn’t apologise to Linda, he should apologise to his mum.
Patrick, 32

Given Ed has swept the leaves for years, and the previous neighbours (if there were any) didn’t seem to have an issue, Linda is reacting harshly just to make a fuss.
Ronan, 26

Although Ed is 23, the words “snarky” and “snitched” suggest an immaturity, as does the threat not to sweep the leaves again. However, he discussed the matter directly with Linda who should have left it at that. It has been dealt with. Just be sure to sweep up the leaves better next time.
Stewart, 63

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Ed say sorry?

The poll closes on Thursday 14 November at 10am GMT

Last week’s result

We asked: should Rog stop smuggling his hip flask into the theatre where his wife works?

90% of you said Rog is guilty
10% of you said Rog is innocent