What I've learned about divorce, by a separation therapist
Before I was a psychotherapist working with people navigating divorce, I was a barrister for 25 years, helping separated partners battle over their children. What struck me during this time was that, although you might ‘win’ a case and get what the person you represented was fighting for, people weren’t happy. There’s an emotional fallout from divorce that is deeply painful and whatever difference I made, I couldn’t help but be curious about how couples who were once in love became so polarised and hostile. I wanted to see if there was a kinder and more conciliatory way of going through divorce.
The legal process has tried to help make separation less nasty – there’s now ‘no fault’ divorce and couples with children are required to have one mediation session together to help them avoid getting as far as the courtroom door. There’s a saying: ‘For every day you spend in court, you lose a bedroom in your house,’ because it’s so expensive. Mediation isn’t for everyone because it requires compromise and being able to sort things out amicably, but the great thing about it is that you won’t be paying lawyers the very money that you’re fighting for.
There are so many reasons why people separate, but feeling lonely in a marriage is the one I hear most often. It’s true that 70% of divorces are initiated by women and, in my experience, women are generally more in touch with the pulse of a relationship – they can identify and name issues, whereas men are less engaged in the everyday of how things feel. I frequently see people who have tried to address problems with their partner for a long time, only to be ignored, yet when they call time on the marriage, there’s a sudden insistence from their partner that they’ll do anything to repair it. Sadly, by then, it’s often too late.
It used to be that people didn’t divorce within about five years of getting married, but these days people no longer feel they need a catastrophic reason to get divorced, because their wellbeing is reason enough. All relationships have ups and downs and periods where they’re not working, but if you feel endemically and chronically miserable, there comes a point when it’s quite healthy to say, ‘I matter more than this marriage.’
Some people come to couples therapy looking for validation or a referee, but my thoughts on the marriage aren’t important – my job is to help people communicate what they really think and feel, and to help them manage it. If you want to find a way back from the brink of a split, you can, but you need to be willing to really hear the other person. At other times, it’s clear to me that although someone is coming to therapy, they’ve mentally left the relationship. Yes, they’re present, but they’re just paying lip service to their partner.
Whether it’s grieving the loss of your partner or grieving the relationship you never had with them, there is always a loss of dreams after a separation. Sometimes we can tell ourselves idyllic stories about our relationship that paint a different picture to how it really was, only for our friends to remind us of the reality. Others can negate all the good that came from the relationship, stripping it of its worth. Just because you’re separating, it doesn’t mean what you had is a complete failure. Sitting down and thinking about the nuts and bolts of the relationship can help you process your grief and see it for what it was.
It’s normal to be preoccupied with what your ex-partner is doing, or to hold on to grievances as a way of avoiding the finality of separation. Witnessing a new partner come along can be particularly difficult, but it’s both a significant milestone on the road of separation and a serious flashpoint – the start of moving on. It can be tempting to tell yourself that your ex and their new partner are having a wonderful life, but I remind clients that this is a story they are writing, not reading. So long as you keep perpetuating the story, you’re wounding yourself.
It can be frightening to think about an unplanned future, but as you start to inhabit that future, you will see there are opportunities that would never have been open to you before. Beginnings have ends, and ends have beginnings, and it’s unusual to find someone a few years down the line of separation who is still full of mourning or anger. The road to recovery isn’t a straight one and you will go backwards and forwards, until one day you find that the backwards isn’t happening so much and that, actually, there’s new scenery. You will come through divorce not on the fringes of your ex’s life, but at the centre of your own.
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