In praise of failure: Why letting go a little is so healthy

Fear of failure is part of our hardwiring; a primal instinct there to protect us from making fatal errors like playing on the motorway or petting deadly snakes. Great for keeping us alive, not so handy when it drives a wedge between you and your goals.

Fear’s best mates are shame and ridicule. Unchecked, this wily band of saboteurs will wrestle you from the driving seat, throw you in the back and steer you miles in the opposite direction of your heart’s desire. Whether it’s learning a new skill or changing careers, these guys are experts in excuses. “Can’t win, don’t try.” They say. Or, “You’re crap, every living creature is going to laugh and turn their back on you. Get inside and let’s never speak of this again.”

How liberating it would be to let go a little. Care less about what others may think. But we do care, we care an awful lot, not least because we live in a society that demonises failure and sneers at trying. Collective schadenfreude is the UK’s number one national pastime, just look at the myriad televised talent contests and scripted reality shows; the modern-day equivalent of placing someone in the village stocks and throwing rotten fruit at them.

Ridicule is currency. Newspapers and TV execs grow fat by goading us to mock those who dare to raise their heads above the parapet. They provide us with endless scapegoats to scorn, exploiting our insecurities and self-loathing because subconsciously, it’s ourselves we hate for not having the guts to take risks.

Little wonder we hold ourselves back when we’re surrounded by this rotten culture of negativity towards trying. Forget the herculean strength it took Victoria Beckham to break into fashion, a notoriously bitchy, impenetrable industry. What an offensive role model! Quick! Slag her off for being too skinny and standing weirdly. Lily Allen speaking up on political issues? How dare she use her fame to shed light on a horrendous humanitarian crisis. Get back in the John Lewis ad and stay there!

We don’t raise our children like this. We don’t mock or jeer at them for trying or getting things wrong, we celebrate their efforts in the hope of boosting their confidence and driving them to dig deeper, try harder, fail better. We will never make progress if we do not give ourselves permission to fail – in our relationships, careers – all aspects of our lives. In the words of JK Rowling, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

Failure is noble. Trying is honourable. Tell everyone you know. Shout it from the rooftops! It is not said enough. To mock failure is to mock trying. It is stupid, toxic and destructive. It’s time we celebrated failure. Nobody wakes up one morning and magically achieves their dreams or masters a new skill. Anyone who has ever achieved anything has faced failure by virtue of trying. From time immemorial, humans have been tempted to offer edited versions of their success stories, conveniently omitting the mistakes and lucky breaks along the way, spinning seductive narratives in which talent triumphs against adversity. But leaving out the ‘ugly’ details sets unobtainable standards, it mystifies success and undermines the bravery of trying.

Sure trying involves taking risks and taking risks means facing failure and facing failure means being vulnerable from time to time. So what? Your vulnerability is beautiful. It is honest and sincere. It is the gateway to self-discovery and the stepping stone to success.

It has been said that “Success is a slippery slope best suited to those whose feet have been roughened by failure.” So when you fail, and fail you will, treat yourself with the same kindness you would a child who is trying. Extract the lessons from your experience then focus on the opportunities that lie ahead.

“That whisper in your heart has strength, it may not have wings but it has the power to fly.” – Pakistani proverb.

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