I'm a joyologist and this is why being kind is essential for happiness

Kindness. We all know it’s important in making our worlds go around and yet we live in a reality that often feels less than kind.

Thankfully, most of us are not internet trolls or people who shout abuse across the street at strangers. Most of us are kind human beings with good hearts, and yet sometimes even the sweetest of us can get sucked into a meanie narrative.

Those little pockets of meanie-ness punctuate our everyday. We see Chloe venting about Zoe in a WhatsApp group, hear Barry moaning about Gary at the station. We join in. We sit in front of the TV and hear ourselves say, "Blimey, not sure about that dress".

We give a sharp honk at the person who has slipped into a dream and not pulled away at the green light within a reasonable time frame, and so our little inner meanie is getting airtime.

Why are we mean sometimes? 

Why do we find ourselves unwittingly in a meanie groove? It's often down to how we see ourselves.

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If our own self-esteem is on the floor, that’s generally not the place from where we’ll big up someone else.

So, tip number one for being kinder is to start with yourself. How often have you stood in front of the mirror and criticised yourself? Deflected a compliment? Not gone for a job because you are sure that somebody better will be applying? Kindness has to start with you.

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Kindness starts with you

Give yourself a little wink in the mirror each morning instead of the ‘eeeurgh’ noise. As somebody who lost all their hair due to alopecia, I was once traumatised by how I looked in the mirror as a bald woman but I refused to let my daughter hear me be mean about myself and so I forced myself to wink and smile at my bald reflection every day.

At first, I didn’t believe me. The inner meanie was jumping up and down and screaming, "YOU’RE BALD!!!! AND UGLY!" Slowly, over time, she got bored with trying.

My winks got stronger and my love and respect for the woman I am grew bigger than the negative voice. It takes time and a commitment to change but it’s possible. If I can go from not being able to say the word alopecia, to loving my bald little head, I believe you can be OK with whatever is bothering you. It starts with you.

Notice how much you're moaning

Tip number two is to keep a note of the times you complain or moan or tut or huff or puff during the day. Sometimes things happen where this is totally valid. This isn’t about rolling over like a Labrador and letting any old unfair or unacceptable behaviour tickle your tummy.

I’m talking about the complaints about things that are unnecessary or don’t take other people’s situations or feelings into consideration. The lady taking too long at the checkout with the tutting queue behind her may have mustered all of her strength to leave the house that morning after having a panic attack.

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The work colleague who’s ‘not with it this week’ may be spending most of their time trying not to think about their husband’s affair. The bottom line is, we have no idea what’s going on in someone’s life so we could offer to give them a hand or check if they are okay.

Once we have our list of all of our complaints in a day, we can start to analyse what was valid and what was your inner meanie popping up. We can thank our inner meanie and then tell them to get lost. With that, we start to make a change.

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Do something kind for no reason

Tip number three is to do something kind for no reason whatsoever. Yes, you can make a pie for your neighbour or send your mum some flowers but it needn’t be a big gesture.

Sometimes a knock on the door and a check-in is all it takes to brighten somebody’s day. Just this morning, a lady at the station with a baby, a buggy, a toddler and a suitcase was standing at the top of the wet stairs at the station.

The guy next to me grabbed the buggy, the lady held the baby and I held the toddler’s hand and grabbed the suitcase and we all scaled the stairs together. Chatting and giggling and connecting.

The remarkable thing about this super simple act of kindness was that not only was the lady happy, and the guy and I were happy but also about ten other commuters broke into big smiles at us too. A big cycle of kindness that for a moment, made us forget about all the other stuff in the world and just realise that being good people is best for all of us. The act of kindness connected all of us as human beings and made us feel all fuzzy on the wet November morning.

Kindness is a win-win. Everyone benefits from kindness and who doesn’t want to contribute to making the world a kinder and happier place?

 Find out more about Donna at www.mylifeshines.com