Husband Says Wife Is Neglecting Her 'Motherly Duties' by Not Cooking Thanksgiving for His Family

The mom-of-four wrote on Reddit that she's too "burnt out" to be in charge of the meal, but her husband doesn't agree

• A woman posted to Reddit asking if she was in the wrong for not cooking a Thanksgiving meal for her husband's family

• When she asked why her husband's relatives couldn’t cook and host, his family said they were “incompetent” and couldn’t be trusted

• The husband told his wife, who has cooked for the family for 15 years, that she was neglecting her “motherly duties” by setting a boundary that she would not cook this year

It can be tough to be grateful when you’re also at odds.

A woman posted on Reddit to get commenters’ opinions on a tricky situation with her family’s Thanksgiving plans, which turned into an argument with her husband.

The 38-year-old woman shared that she has been cooking Thanksgiving lunch for the past 15 years, contributing “at least the turkey and most of the food” and, for the past seven years, hosting her large family. “It’s been a tradition, but this year, I’m completely burnt out,” she wrote. “I’m a teacher with four kids (ages 2-15), and this year has been especially stressful with work, parenting, and school. I just don’t have the energy to take on such a big responsibility again.” She also noted that she told the family she would not be cooking and hosting weeks before the holiday.

She suggested that one of her sisters-in-law, who is a stay-at-home mom with an 11-month-old child, could host. “My mother-in-law immediately shut that idea down, saying [my sister-in-law] is ‘unreliable’ and might not wake up early enough to make it. (How is that my problem?),” she wrote.

Then she suggested her brother-in-law’s wife could host. “She’s never cooked a turkey before, but my mother-in-law said, ‘The turkey cooks itself,’ so I don’t see why she can’t give it a try,” she wrote. “Everyone else shows up to eat every year without lifting a finger, but when I suggest not cooking this year, it’s suddenly a crisis.”

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The woman’s husband didn’t support her decision, either.

“My husband thinks my decision not to cook has less to do with stress and more to do with his family,” she said. “He said I only decided not to cook after my mom said she wouldn’t be coming over. My mom has been battling breast cancer for the past 10 months and just wants to stay home this year and avoid being around so many people.” The poster noted that the 15 years she’s cooked for Thanksgiving has included years her family didn’t come, so “the idea that I’m refusing because it’s his family isn’t true.”

Her husband told her she had “five days to rest” before the holiday. “When I told him I didn’t want to do it, he accused me of neglecting my ‘motherly duties,’ which really hurt,” she explained. “Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don’t have to because they ‘can’t’ or ‘don’t want to’? Well, I don’t want to this year either.”

She then asked commenters if she was wrong. The Reddit users were on her side. One wrote, “May I politely suggest you have a husband problem,” noting that he should have stuck up for her to his family. Another wrote, “He's neglecting his husbandly duties by not letting you rest. Cleaning and cooking isn't only a woman's job.”

In an update, the original poster shared that she told her husband that she and her kids would be spending the day at her mom’s house. “She’s recovering from breast cancer and just wants a quiet day, so I want to spend time with her. I told my husband he was welcome to join us or not—his choice,” she said.

Related: Woman Says She Won't Host Thanksgiving Again After In-Laws Took all the Leftovers Last Year

“He asked if I could meet him halfway by popping the turkey in the oven before leaving for my mom’s so his family could eat at 3. I said no, but I’d be willing to cook the turkey if dinner was pushed to 6, giving me more time to prepare on my terms,” she said. “He said that was too late.”

She told him if the meal wasn’t moved to 6, “I want to bring something easy this year, like sodas and desserts—just like everyone else gets to do. I’m tired of being the one responsible for the main dish when others can step up.” She also added for context that they live next door to his parents and sister and “the constant expectations from his family are exhausting.”

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“His family keeps insisting the others can’t cook or host because they’re ‘incompetent,' ” she said. “But the real problem is that my in-laws coddle them and never let them take responsibility for anything. That’s not my problem to solve.”

She resolved to stick to her boundaries this year. “If they think no one else is capable of cooking, then they can deal with the consequences—not me,” she said.