Here’s your guide to handling insecurity in a relationship
Being in a relationship can give you some of the greatest feelings in the world: butterflies, love, excitement. However, no relationship is perfect, and yours might even cause you to also experience some not-so-pleasant feelings, like anxiety and insecurity.
If you find yourself asking for a lot of reassurance from your partner or even Instagram-stalking their ex more than you'd care to admit, there’s a chance that you might be feeling insecure in your relationship. 'Being insecure basically just means that you don't feel confident in the relationship,; says Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, a therapist. 'You're lacking, maybe, a basic sense of safety and trust.'
That said, feeling insecure in your relationship might also have nothing to do with the relationship itself. Maybe it's something more broadly happening in your life that you don't feel confident about, and it's simply showing up in your relationship, too, says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a New York-based psychotherapist and founder of Shame Free Therapy.
No matter the reason, your feelings of insecurity can manifest in different ways, adds Wright. Some people might become anxious when they feel insecure, while others might feel jealous.
Meet the experts:
Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, is a therapist and relationship researcher at Hily app.
Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and founder of Shame Free Therapy based in New York.
Sarah Gundle, PsyD, is a New York-based clinical psychologist specializing in breakups and trauma.
The good news: it’s very natural and common to feel insecure, Wright says. And it's also not necessarily a permanent predicament. 'There's a natural ebb and flow within any relationship over time,' Cohen adds. Sometimes, you’ll feel more confident with your partner, and other times, you won’t feel as stable.
If your relationship is still in its early days, you might find that your relationship anxiety naturally fades as time goes on. 'When something's new, it's uncomfortable and that's just how our brains work. And when we're uncomfortable, we can feel insecure,' Wright says.
But sometimes, your sense of insecurity might linger. It all depends upon the relationship, your attachment styles, and past relationships. And unfortunately, if it doesn’t fade, that may be a sign that something is amiss in the relationship, says Sarah Gundle, PsyD, a New York-based clinical psychologist specialising in breakups and trauma. If you find your anxiety sticking around, you might need to do some inner work on yourself and have some conversations with your partner. (More on that later!)
But no need to sound the alarm just yet. Ahead, learn more about the some signs and root causes of insecurity in a relationship—plus, how to nip your anxieties in the bud, with tips from experts. You've got this!
What are the signs of insecurity in relationships?
Insecurity looks different for everyone in every relationship, but the following signs could signify that you’re feeling insecure in yours.
1. You’re asking for a lot of reassurance
You might find yourself constantly asking your S.O. about their feelings and the status of your relationship. These questions might look like, Are we okay? What are you thinking? How do you feel about me? Are you mad at me? Do you still love me?
If this sounds like you, chances are, your 'anxiety is at an all-time high in the relationship, constantly checking in, and basically, it seems as if like nothing that [your] partner says or does can fully reassure [you],' Cohen explains.
This pattern of asking for reassurance can actually create more anxiety, Wright adds, calling it 'this hyper-vigilance around looking for potential rejection or someone showing signs that they're going to leave.'
Consider whether you’re insecure in every relationship, including past romances and also your platonic friendships. If this feels like a recurring pattern, you might be dealing with an anxious attachment style or a past betrayal or trauma. If you aren’t, though, it might be a sign that this specific relationship is making you feel insecure, Gundle continues.
2. You’re overthinking
If you're feeling insecure in your relationship, you might start reading into problems that aren't really there. For instance, maybe your partner doesn't text you back for an hour.
Realistically, there are several possible reasons: maybe their work meeting ran late, or they bumped into someone they knew on the street, Wright says. But 'all of a sudden, because of our own insecurity towards the relationship, we're like, "They don't want to be with me, they don't care about me,"' she explains.
If you find yourself spiralling in similar situations, consider the facts and try listing possibly reasons why they didn’t text back, Wright suggests.
3. You’re stalking your partner’s ex(es) on social media
Maybe you’re engaging in a lot of social comparison, whether on Instagram or IRL. Insecurity can show up as you comparing yourself to your partner’s exes or comparing your relationship to your friends’ relationships.
You might be thinking: 'Okay, my friends just got engaged after a year—I feel like we're sitting at one-year mark and we're nowhere near that. This must say something negative about the relationship or my partner,' Cohen explains.
4. You’re creating distance from your partner
Sometimes, people think that acting clingy or needy is a textbook sign of insecurity. But the truth is, acting distant or aloof might mean you're feeling anxious, too.
You might be keeping your partner at an arm's length in order to protect yourself, says Cohen. The thinking here is, If I don't get too close, my partner can't hurt me. In this case, you're trying to “prevent this abandonment or hurt because of the insecurity that manifests as anxiety,” Wright adds.
If this sounds all too real, you might have an insecure avoidant attachment style, Cohen adds.
5. You’re losing your sense of individuality
Maybe you're starting to notice that you aren't voicing your opinions in your relationship, or standing up for yourself. 'Your partner is kind of driving the relationship, because you don't really show up with strong opinions or interests,' Cohen says.
You might not have a strong opinion about defining the relationship, integrating your lives, or even picking a date night restaurant. All of these could be signs that you're feeling insecure.
6. You might be acting a bit controlling around your S.O.
Sometimes, insecurity can manifest as controlling behaviour, or even manipulation, Cohen says. Maybe you’re trying to limit who they can see or set 'rules' of when you can see each other.
To be clear, this kind of manipulative and controlling behaviour can become toxic and emotionally abusive, she adds. 'The behaviour can arise from either insecurities and feeling a strong need to keep a partner close, or anxiety,' she says.
In order to change this pattern of behaviour, the person should first have self-awareness and realise they're being controlling—and they should want to change the behaviour instead of justifying their actions, she adds.
If you're someone who has controlling tendencies in a relationship, try working through the reasons you might be acting this way, whether it's due to insecurity or anxiety from your childhood or past relationships, says Cohen. A therapist can help with this, if that's something you have the money to explore.
What are the causes of insecurity in relationships?
'A lot of times we can take an emotion, a feeling, and talk about it as though it is a personality trait,' Wright says. But really, insecurity is oftentimes just a feeling. You might not be an 'insecure person,' but you might be feeling more insecure at a certain point in the relationship, Wright says.
Viewing emotions this way can help you recognise why you're acting stressed and anxious about your relationship. 'If we can look at insecurity as this thing that can pop up and then go away and pop up and then go away, that can then help you look at where it's coming from,' she says.
With this in mind, here are five reasons you might find yourself fighting those feelings of insecurity:
1. Your attachment style is anxious or avoidant in relationships
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might have a habit of constantly seeking reassurance and feeling like the relationship is always unstable. Or, you might always try to keep distance to protect yourself from getting hurt in relationships if you have an avoidant attachment style, Cohen says.
In both cases, your attachment style 'can influence your ability to derive a sense of security from the relationship,' she adds.
2. You’re practicing a lot of social comparison
Yup, it can be a sign and a cause of insecurity, Cohen says. No matter how confident you feel, it can be easy to feel bad about your own relationship when you’re always seeing happy couples getting engaged or going on fancy vacations on Instagram.
3. Your previous relationship experiences are affecting your current one
'Transference can sometimes be really difficult. We bring experiences from our previous relationship into our current relationship, and that can sometimes be difficult to shake,' Cohen explains.
In a past relationship (or situationship), you might have been constantly asking yourself questions like: 'Am I in a relationship?' 'Am I not in a relationship?' 'How does my partner truly feel about me?' That can affect how you feel about your current 'ship, even if the circumstances are better.
4. You’re experiencing personal insecurities
Sometimes, insecurities in relationships might have nothing to do with the relationship itself. You might be feeling insecure about yourself in general, due to problems at work or in your social life, and those feelings could get projected onto the relationship, Wright says.
5. Maybe your partner is acting shady
In some cases, your partner might be to blame for your feelings of insecurity. It's possible to feel insecure because your S.O. 'behaving in a way that is not trustworthy, or doing things that are actually creating the response of feeling insecure about the relationship,' Wright says.
Any relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or familial, is something that two people create, so if you’re feeling insecure, it’s possible that one (or both) of you is causing it. For example, maybe you’re unsure of your partner’s relationship with one of their close friends, and it seems like they have blurry boundaries that go past being platonic.
How can I stop feeling insecure in my relationship?
Remember, feeling insecure is just that: a feeling. If you feel insecure in your relationship, there are a lot of small (and big) things you can do to face your insecurity head-on.
1. First, figure out the root of the insecurity
'We can't address the insecurity without understanding where it's coming from first,' Wright says. To figure out the cause of your insecurity, Wright recommends asking these questions: When does the feeling of insecurity come up? What does that feeling feel like in my body somatically? What just happened to trigger that response? Write down the answers to these questions and you might find a pattern, she says.
Once you've identified what's causing the insecurity, try to dig even deeper. For example, if you have a fear that your partner is cheating on you, 'you might be able to identify that it's coming from previous relationship experiences, or maybe you were cheated on in the past,' Cohen says. Ask yourself what evidence supports your specific insecurity, and why you’re carrying it into the relationship.
Then, you can take steps to address the problem, either on your own or with your partner. 'If the emotion of insecurity is getting in the way of you showing up in your relationship the way that you want to, then that's yours to work on,' Wright says.
'If it's something that is coming from the other side of the fence and not yours, then those are things that you then need to communicate to your partner about.' (But more on that later!)
2. Challenge harmful thoughts as they come up in real time.
When identifying (and working on) your feelings of insecurity, it helps to recognise the thoughts as they come up.
You can try tackling these in the moment through a brief writing exercise. Cohen recommends writing down the worry (i.e, 'I feel like I’m not good enough'). Then, write down the emotion that it stirs up (anger, hurt, sadness, etc.), the intensity of the thought or level of emotion you associate with it, and then some thoughts that challenge it, like: 'I am worthy' and 'I have like a lot of close family and friends and a large support network,' Cohen continues.
Humans tend to focus on the negative, she says, and writing down affirmations and facts can help you see the positive side of things.
3. Seek the help of a therapist
If it's possible for you, a therapist can also help you figure out where your insecurity is coming from, whether it’s your current relationship, a previous one, your childhood, or something else.
'It's a way for you to process both your thoughts and the emotions, and with the help of a clinician, you can work on developing and utilising coping mechanisms that can help you,' Cohen says.
That way, you can reframe your own individual thoughts, work on it with your partner, or move on from the relationship, if that’s the best option.
4. Check in with your friends
Sometimes, your friends know you (and your relationship history) better than anyone else. If you're constantly feeling insecure, have conversations with your closest pals about what's going on for a reality check, Gundle says. Tell them why you’re feeling the way that you are, and really hear what they have to say.
Your friends might be able to tell you whether you’re usually insecure in relationships, or identify whether this is a brand new feeling for you, and possibly due to your partner's actions.
5. Talk to your partner
If you find that your insecurity is coming from the relationship, take time to talk to your S.O. and define what a healthy relationship looks like for both of you, and what you each want out of a healthy relationship.
It's also a good idea to chat with your S.O. even if the root cause of your insecurity is unrelated to the relationship itself. It can be tricky to talk to your S.O. about insecurities, especially if they're stemming from a past betrayal or trauma, but keep in mind that every couple is very different.
Start from a place of neutrality, Cohen says, meaning, you’re bringing this up at a time when you’re both calm, open to conversation, and undistracted—and definitely not in the middle of a fight.
Say you did some deep thinking and realised your insecurity is personal, and a familiar feeling in relationships. When talking to your partner, let them know about your feelings and explain the root cause. If it has nothing to do with their actions, you can assure them that your feelings aren't their fault, and that you aren't blaming them.
On the other hand, if your partner's behaviour is the source of the insecurity, use 'I Language.' That’s when you use yourself as a reference point, so your partner doesn’t think you’re attacking them.
An example: 'I feel sad when I don’t hear from you when you're away for the weekend.' This might lessen the possibility of your S.O. getting defensive, Cohen says.
If you feel like the conversation isn’t successful—like you can’t hear and validate one another—it may be time to get help from a couple’s counselor, Cohen adds. “It's important to talk about the hard things, not avoid them,” Gundle says.
'You may find that when you [talk to your S.O.], the relationship that you're currently in does not meet that criteria and then it's time to end the relationship,' Cohen says. Or vice versa.
What can I do if my partner feels insecure in our relationship?
If your partner comes to you and shares that they’re insecure—whether it's because of your actions, or not approach their concerns from a place of curiosity and kindness, Gundle and Cohen say. 'If each partner shows willingness and curiosity and empathy, these are opportunities for connection and for really deepening the relationship,' Gundle says.
Ask open-ended questions and invite your partner to be vulnerable, but don’t push them too hard. They may not be comfortable sharing at this time, and they may not fully know the source of their insecurity yet, Cohen says.
An example of what you can say to them is: 'I'm here for you, and I want to support you. I want to engage in a discussion when you are ready.' Don’t jump into problem-solving mode and try it solve it ASAP if they’re not ready, and try not to tell them how they should be feeling, Cohen adds.
If they’re open to digging deeper into the issue, ask if they know where their insecurity is coming from, and whether it's because of your actions or something more internal. Then, ask how you can help with their healing and best support them. You want them to feel secure in the relationship, but it’s up to them to do the work. 'We can't take away our partner's anxiety or sadness, but we can support them in some way,' Wright adds.
At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy in your relationship, even if it takes a tough conversation with your partner to get there. 'Often, people forget that these conflictual conversations are actually really opportunities,' Gundle explains. It’s always better to say these things out loud so there’s a chance to move past them, she says.
'The number-one thing that helps a relationship feel more secure is emotional safety,' Gundle adds, so she recommends having discussions about boundaries, expectations, communication, past relationships, what you both need in a relationship, and what emotional safety means to you within the first month of being together.
Reaching a place of security definitely takes some mental and emotional work for the partner who’s feeling insecure. However, if you prioritise overcoming the insecurity together, you’ll be even closer to moving past it—and your relationship (and your mood!) will be better than ever.
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