I finally found the confidence to wear what I like at 48 – this is how

My New Year’s resolution is a pledge to find my personal style and to channel it with assertion and confidence. It sounds simple but, truth be told, I spent most of 2024 in clothes I only sort of like, and I can’t really explain why. What I do know is that I’ve felt uncomfortable, awkward and drab more often than I’ve felt slick, sassy and stylish, and not through lack of experimenting either. This winter, having tried and failed to feel good in various trends – counting scarf necklines, leopard print and chocolate brown – I began to think I had no style at all.

I found help in the form of Lucia Santa Maria, a transformational life coach who also happens to be an award-winning costume designer, with 30 years experience in the industry. Coaching now takes up most of her time, but she recently worked on Geek Girl, the popular Netflix show about a neurodivergent teen who becomes a model, whose central lead is played by autistic actress Emily Carey.

This resonated with me as someone close to me is autistic and I know how the “wrong” clothes can deeply affect her mood. If a waistband is too tight, or a material too “sticky”, she’ll be extra hard on herself, usually by saying she feels “ugly”, “annoyed” or even “invisible”. It’s alerted me to the role clothes play in helping us to feel “well set” in ourselves. Fashion is often described as armour, but I now see it more as an emotional anchor. When the clothes we wear don’t feel right, we may slump, avoid eye contact or even apologise for dressing in haste, even if we haven’t. I know I do. Equally, if I feel good in my get up, I tend to walk taller, smile and socialise more.

Santa Maria has twinned her coaching expertise with her styling knowledge for this very reason: “My years in costume design taught me the subtle language of clothing and how it influences the way we hold ourselves, express ourselves and tell our stories. I help clients not only feel confident in their appearance but also align their outward image with their inner strength and aspirations,” she says.

I should admit at this point that I am as stubborn as they come. I’ve never read a self-help book and, at 48, I’m in a midlife mindset. I’m caught between wanting to be fun and frivolous wearing a mini skirt with marabou feathered mules on my feet and wanting something more classically elegant, kitted out in top-to-toe Max Mara – except I never quite achieve either look with any grace or flair.

The fact is, I love fashion but I feel stuck and dissatisfied with my wardrobe: I cling on to things that no longer suit me, either because they’ve cost a lot or because I’ve convinced myself they may somehow suit me later down the line. For example, I have a silver Issey Miyake pleated coat that I plan to wear when I “become” Judi Dench and a sequinned bolero jacket for glam Christmases to come, Shirley Bassey style. I don’t particularly like either. What’s more, when I shop these days, I feel overwhelmed because I’m looking for That Special Thing that will somehow magic me into the woman I want to be… but who is she?

Satin cami top, £49, Ghost; Pointelle wool mix cardigan, £89, Ghost; Bonded leather skirt, £350, Jigsaw; Leather knee high boots, £220 (reduced from £275), Jigsaw; Sterling silver bangle, £240, Tilly Sveaas

Santa Maria is an expert in neurolinguistic programming (NLP) techniques. In layman’s terms, this means she helps her clients to unearth and address the inner feelings, memories and “baked in” rules that may be negatively influencing their actions and behaviours, to help them step into the best versions of themselves. She’s worked with all kinds of women whose confidence has been rocked. Like me, she believes in the reassuring quality of well-chosen clothes.

“Many of my clients come to me during pivotal moments of transformation,” she explains. “One had lost her husband and, in her grief, also lost the will to care about her appearance… Another client, recovering from breast cancer and a brain tumour, felt unrecognisable after years of treatment. We explored her core values, lifestyle goals, and sense of identity, reimagining her wardrobe – largely using her own clothes but with key additions – to reflect her renewed strength.”

Shearling coat, £1190, Cos; Wool and cashmere blend jumper, £255, Vince; Recycled polyester satin skirt, £148, Reformation; Leather shoes, £111 (reduced from £279), LK Bennett LK Bennett; 18kt gold plated brass earrings, £70, Tilly Sveaas; Tights, stylists own 

My problems pale in comparison, but through various NLP exercises, I learn quite a lot about myself, most noticeably that I’m incapable of speaking positively about myself without self-deprecation or comparing myself to others who carry a look so much better than me. In truth, I’ve never thought of self-mockery as anything but a superpower, because laughter is the key to lightness. But it’s feasible to consider an alternative: that being the butt of one’s own jokes can slowly chip away at self confidence and lower your expectations of how you want to be perceived.

It turns out that I do rather like bits of myself: my legs (there, I’ve said it), my strong shoulders and my hair. Santa Maria stops me before I list the things I don’t like and encourages me to visualise myself in various outfits that make me feel sexy, feminine, desired and seen, words that I have apparently used consistently throughout our session to describe fashion looks that I love. We spend three hours together, and by the last, my timidly shared style preferences have turned into uncompromising affirmations: I “love” deep side splits on a slim fitting skirt, I “loathe” patterns, I “long” for slinky evening-wear, pure cotton jeans with a wide leg/high waist fit, silk, cashmere, shearling and anything that has a little tiny touch of the avant-garde, like an asymmetrical hemline, peekaboo cut-outs or a dynamic slashed neckline.

“When I put together my mood boards for a client, they are entirely based on character,” explains Santa Maria. “Texture, colour, the weight of a material, the shape of jewellery, the cut of a design, are all considerations to factor in. But, ultimately, each item or suggested style has to resonate with that person, translating inside feelings and passions into a physical realness that strengthens their relationship with themselves.”

I think I’m fairly in touch with who I am, but my visual vocabulary sometimes gets lost in translation. I see myself as scatty and always on the go. I’m very forgetful but I never miss a deadline, and I always (eventually) deliver on promises. Often the first outfit I pull from my wardrobe at 7am is baggy leisurewear, much of it my daughter’s cast offs, perfect for flinging on when you are time poor. My friends look great in it, celebrities look great in it, but much as I have tried to channel Katie Holmes in that cool New York way of hers, I feel as glam as Rab C Nesbitt in my grotty grey joggers.

Santa Maria was having none of this. Her suggestion was to look for feminine styles that are soft and comforting, like leather skirts, chunky knits and pull-on boots. Yes, it may require a bit more effort but, as she explained, this is a look that won’t budge – so the scattiness can do its thing, while my clothes reflect the determination that lies within. What a novel and refreshing way to look at things, and a reconfiguration I’ll try and stick to.

Contact Lucia Santa Maria via her Instagram account @luciasantamarialife