I feel happier and healthier when not around my mother
The question I’m overwhelmed by fear, shame, guilt and anxiety about my relationship with my mum. Recently, I had to isolate for health reasons and (as was the case during the lockdowns), being apart revealed the relief and peace I felt without her presence. My mum was sympathetic about my illness, but she made out it affected her more than it did me, my partner and child.
Since childhood, I’ve been her emotional carer, hoping she might one day support me. Therapy helped me see I need boundaries, but attempts to set them were met with resistance, manipulation or dismissal. Her struggles with mental health and past trauma are undeniable, but they’ve left me feeling burdened, unsupported and resentful. I love her, yet I feel trapped in cycles of guilt and anger. Time apart has again clarified that my ideal of a mother-daughter relationship may never align with reality. Reconnecting with her fills me with dread.
Now my treatment is over, I face a decision. I don’t want to resume a triggering relationship or assume future caregiving, but permanent estrangement feels equally shameful. My mum deserves clarity on my boundaries, but guilt and fear weigh on me. I don’t want to undo my progress or compromise my health, yet leaving her behind feels devastating. How do I proceed without feeling selfish?
Philippa’s answer Whatever treatment you have been undergoing sounds serious and it seems you have had to put yourself first before seeing to whatever it is that your mother wants from you. Treating yourself as a priority is something of a novelty for you – and for her. You will both have to get used to it.
Having to isolate brought you relief. I think this fact is profound. It shows me that you feel it’s impossible to prevent your mother manipulating you into subjugating your own needs to serve hers.
When parental relationships fall short of fulfilling our own emotional needs, they can leave us feeling at fault, burdened by guilt and a sense of obligation. You felt emboldened by therapy to put down some boundaries, but they were hard to keep. It is as though you are enmeshed with your mother. It’s like you and her are a system. Being free of that system brought you relief.
Two things I can think of may be happening. One, called “ressentiment”, the other “projective identification”. If it’s ressentiment it would mean that your mother suffers from unresolved, unwanted feelings of, say, resentment, fear, envy. Instead of facing up to and resolving these emotions, she may be suppressing them and redirecting blame outwards, often towards you, who – to her – seems “better off”. If that’s happening, it’s a guilt trip. You’ve obviously gone through a scary time with your health, but still your mother clings to being the victim in this situation.
If it’s projective identification, it would mean your mother disowns intolerable parts of herself and projects them on to you and then treats you as though you have those parts. Then, unconsciously, you could be identifying with that projection and acting it out. If this was the case, it could explain why you feel so much better when you are not with her. So maybe that guilt, anger, fear or selfishness that you feel isn’t yours, it’s hers; she could be treating you as if you’ve got it, which compounds it. Whether either of these unconscious processes are happening (or a mashup of both), they will rob you of vitality, which will not be good for your health. Your health must be your priority.
Treating yourself as a priority is something of a novelty for you – and for her
By being firm with your boundaries to allow you peace, you are not so much abandoning your mother as refusing to abandon yourself. Let go of the idealised version of your relationship with her. This will not be an act of cruelty but an act of liberation. Don’t be tied by the cycle of giving more than you can, only to feel depleted and unworthy when your own need for acknowledgment or support goes unmet. Boundaries may benefit her, too, because you would be creating the possibility for her to develop healthier coping strategies. Whether she does or not is beyond your control.
You may feel grief about the possibility of estrangement, but grief is not the same as guilt. You would be mourning the loss of what might have been. This isn’t selfishness; it’s creating space for freedom and authenticity. Guilt is not necessarily an indicator of wrongdoing. Often, it is the residue of internalised expectations you no longer need to meet.
Choose the version of you that you met in isolation. The version who feels better unmeshed from your mother. And by doing so, you are creating a legacy of love and strength for your child, a gift far greater than any inherited guilt.
The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read (and Maybe a Few That You Don’t) by Philippa Perry is now out in paperback. Buy it for £10.99 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
