'How I navigate my eating disorder as a mother at Christmas'
The mental health advocate shares what she's learnt after welcoming her son last year
Hope Virgo, 33, from Bristol, was first diagnosed with an eating disorder (anorexia) when she was 16 years old, having been unwell since around the age of 12. She then spent a year in hospital from 17 to 18 and describes herself as being in "ongoing recovery" ever since.
The mental health campaigner, and founder of the #DumpTheScales campaign, works to shine a light on the fact that eating disorders are about "so much more than food".
One of her biggest recent ventures though, was becoming a mother last year, adding a whole new layer to her recovery journey. Here's what she's learnt about the experience, and how that's helped her make a plan for coping at Christmas.
Pregnancy with an eating disorder
"I found being pregnant really difficult," says Virgo.
"Although I was in a really good place in my eating disorder recovery, going into a time of sheer uncertainty was really challenging to navigate. There were points when the emotions got so much for me, I would be thinking about whether there was a way I could numb them or feel more certain about things. The anorexia really tried during those times to kind of pull me back in and get me to listen to it."
Virgo had her son, Joshua, at 37 weeks via an emergency induction, something she still often blames the eating disorder for. "I can think 'maybe if I just tried a little bit harder when I was pregnant', but obviously, eating disorders aren't a choice and you can't just do that."
The same goes for when people would later tell her to just 'eat that extra snack' for the baby. "If it was that easy, I would just do it. Those statements were demoralising and made me feel weaker and more isolated."
Motherhood with an eating disorder
After welcoming Joshua on 2 June 2022, she admits being a mum can be hard at times (which, of course, it can be regardless).
"I've had moments in the last 18 months when I've been sitting down trying to play with him and I've been ruminating about food or calories or panicking about what we're going to have for dinner that night," she explains. "And with Christmas coming up there's anxiety about what that's going to look like with a baby."
Virgo also puts pressure on herself to give her son the best possible chance. "I have a fear that he's got a higher risk of developing an eating disorder. So, I try to create an environment where he's okay. For me, it's about surrounding myself with the right people and having really strict and set boundaries in place," she says.
"And that has sometimes meant not spending time with people as a way to create that constant safety around me." If she finds her emotions are getting too much around meal times, she'll find ways to distract herself, talk about things with people, and focus on fuelling herself in the right way.
"But eating disorders aren't all about food, they're about so much more. So having all the above support alongside my time with Joshua, which might include service support, has been really cool," she says.
With Virgo having previously felt trapped at home while breastfeeding, she suggests other pregnant mums with an eating disorder think about what life looks like after they give birth, to prepare.
"Making sure I wasn't spending hours scrolling on social media was really key for me. Social media doesn't cause eating disorders, but it definitely shares some really unhelpful messaging on them," she says. "I also challenged behaviours, including letting my husband cook for me in the evenings. I practiced that before having Joshua, to make it less of a shock."
Christmas as a mother with an eating disorder
Christmas can be a really challenging time for people with eating disorders, as well as society in general.
"We go into this period where there's a fixation and focus on food, where people basically eat as much as they want for five or six days. Then the whole of society goes into this obsessive period of restriction come January," says Virgo.
"We're then talking constantly about food, dieting, our bodies and weight. It can be really triggering for people with eating disorders."
Virgo also has to navigate the additional pressure of wanting her son to have the perfect time, and not pick up on any of her anxiety. "I have a genuine fear of the Christmas Day lunch, not necessarily the food but if my emotions get too much. How am I going to deal with that around Joshua?"
For her, she will utilise what she has learnt about distraction, talking about things and focusing on her reason for why she wants to get through it.
"Eating disorders make you feel completely invincible, they make you think that life will just carry on and that everything will be okay. But what I've realised is you cannot function at a high level with one, and actually be happy," Virgo explains.
"I need to remind myself of things like that in the run up to the Christmas period, remembering that while it might be hard or uncomfortable, I've got to embrace the pain and know those feelings will eventually pass. And when they do pass, it's amazing, it feels great. And I'll be really proud of myself."
Another thing that has helped this year is her sister texting her asking what she can do to support her at this time of year. While Virgo didn't have a solid answer, it reminded her that people do care and want her to have a good time and be okay.
I have my reason to recover staring back at me every single day, which has massively helped
How motherhood has helped with recovery
While there have been challenges, there have also been big positives.
"I have my reason to recover staring back at me every single day, which has massively helped," she says.
When she felt trapped at home with her newborn baby, Virgo found herself having to sit with all the guilty feelings she had around this. "But actually, the more I sat with them, the more they passed. I feel like I'm a much stronger person in my own recovery since having Joshua."
And in terms of mums or parents being made to feel shame for potentially passing on the mental illness to their children, Hope says, "I would say you can't cause your child to develop an eating disorder. They're much more complicated than that. So please don't blame yourself for anything.
"While there is a genetic predisposition to them, and it might be a higher risk that your child will develop one, this is not guaranteed. So yes, be mindful of the situation and be mindful of what you say. But for me, I am so desperate for Joshua not to go through what I went through, I work much harder to stop that from happening."
"All you can try and do is create a safe environment for them, to feel loved, good enough and nurtured," Virgo adds.
Not losing hope for the future
"I think a lot of the time when you have an eating disorder, you feel completely wrong in yourself, and you can't understand why you're different," says Virgo.
"You feel guilty because you don't know how to feed yourself, so how can you possibly feed a baby? But feeling wrong in yourself can amplify these really nasty narratives in your head."
Virgo wants to remind people it's not your fault, and if you're struggling to get well or you've been marked as 'untreatable', you're not, the treatment is just not working.
"Please don't lose hope that things can change, because things do change, and people do recover."
Watch: Hope Virgo launches new #ChangeTheStory campaign to tackle eating disorders
Virgo's tips for mums navigating an eating disorder
Be honest with your team, including your GP, midwife, health visitor, and those around you. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy so making thoughts and behaviours known is key
Assess what the eating disorder is trying to do to combat it. For me, it was trying to numb emotion and fear and was using my pregnancy to suck me back in and offer instant 'relief'
Have go-to mantras and affirmations in your head
Know what triggers you and use a journal or someone you trust to vent in those moments
Create a routine that works for you. For me, this was having structure around work, meal times and emotionally connecting to my other half
Know your worth. Putting yourself first or needing additional support is not selfish
Communicate your boundaries, especially in pregnancy. When did it become OK for people to comment on someone else’s body? It didn’t
Surround yourself with the right people. People who cheer you on but can also call you out on behaviours lovingly are great
Virgo's tips for mums navigating an eating disorder at Christmas
Plan for the day
Set boundaries round conversations
No diet chat
Remember your reason why
Name one thing that made you smile that day
Predict your brain and have mantras to hand that might help
Have distractions in place
Have a code word with a loved one if it’s getting too much
Remember that the feelings will pass
Avoid social media / be mindful of going on it
You can sign Hope Virgo's campaign #DumpTheScales here.
For support, contact eating disorder charity Beat's helplines, which are open 365 days a year from 1pm–9pm during the week, and 5pm–9pm on weekends and bank holidays, or via its one-to-one web chat.
Read more: Eating disorders need to be seen as an emergency, says campaigner Hope Virgo (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)
Read more: Eating disorder manifesto and toolkit for schools launched to tackle surge in cases (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
Read more: Men and eating disorders: 'I didn't fit the stereotype and suffered in silence' (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
