'In the depths of PND, I never imagined I’d have a second baby'
I’m sitting in a cosy living room of a gorgeous Victorian terraced house in south London among twelve or so other mums and their new babies. My own little spawn — the ripe young age of five months — is lying flat on his back in the middle of the circle alongside the others, grabbing his feet and swinging side to side with a gleeful expression.
He isn’t yet old enough to interact fully with the other babies alongside him, but he does flash a smile from time to time if he catches their eye.
If you are suffering with your mental health postnatally, reach out to the PANDAS Foundation, via their website or their free helpline on 0808 1961 776
As I sit and listen to other women in my postnatal group — mothers who have more children in addition to the baby they have with them — talking about their week and its ups and downs, I am awestruck.
How on earth are they surviving with more than one child when, gripped by postnatal depression and anxiety, (PND/A) I am finding this so terribly hard? How did they find the strength to go again? Will my husband ever forgive me for the fact that I will never be able to give him more than one child, even though he’s desperate for more?
When my turn comes to speak I feel a pressure on the inner corners of my eyes as tears begin to pool. ‘How do you all do it?’ I ask, perplexed. ‘How on earth do you have…more than one child?’ Breaking down in tears, I’m inconsolable, knowing for certain I will not be able to have any more children. How could I possibly have another, when one has completely broken me?
‘Give it time,’ comes the collective response. ‘You’ll be amazed how you might feel in a year or two’.
Is post natal depression more common with a second baby?
I spent a big chunk of my first maternity leave mourning the big family I had always dreamed of, but was certain I could never have. It wasn't physiological; I was grateful to be fertile, young(ish), in a stable relationship and in a financial position to afford it. But the mix of post natal depression and anxiety I was experiencing meant I couldn’t imagine feeling better ever again – let alone well enough to be able to risk this happening a second time.
Looking back, it's clear that my conviction that I was defective as a mother was both the cause and the effect of the PND. All I could see were two facts: I had birthed a child and I had lost my mind. If it had happened once, why wouldn’t it happen again?
The logical conclusion, therefore, was that I would not be able to have any other children.
But, spoiler alert: not only did I have another – I did it within two years of having my first and haven’t experienced PND this time round. In fact, it isn’t an exaggeration to say that the period since my second child was born in July has been the most consistently joyful of my life.
How typical is post natal depression?
PND, which the NHS says affects one in 10 new mothers, can be crippling — it was in my case. And, as I found during desperate late-night internet searches in the weeks and months after becoming a mother, you have an increased risk of developing it if you’ve had it before.
This prospect can make trying for a second baby scary. According to Kathryn Di Virgilio, lead therapeutic facilitator at the PANDAS foundation, a national charity to help men and women suffering with postnatal depression, it's far from a foregone conclusion.
‘It's natural to worry that [PND] will happen again. But a significant contributing factor towards PND/A the first time round is the expectations we have of parenting vs the reality of our experience,’ Di Virgilio tells me. ‘In our society we do not prepare people emotionally to become parents; we focus on how to look after the baby with little to no focus on managing the parent’s emotional wellbeing.’
There is a lot of shame, she tells me, that arises from believing any experience of negative or unwanted feelings is not normal or common, meaning that a lot of parents feel isolated and alone. For many, this can fuel anxiety around the thought of having any more children. Most women who struggled in some way with their first baby will be terrified of having another child.
Seeking help to help with PND
But there is a lesser-known story. ‘Often after experiencing PND/A with the first baby parents will seek out resources and understand their experiences,’ says Di Virgilio. ‘This often leaves them better prepared to handle the emotional challenges of parenting the second time around.’ I count myself in this group. In my case, this support came via the perinatal mental health team in my local NHS trust, which was brilliant and came to the rescue without a long wait.
The PANDAS Foundation is also able to offer help via their free helpline or WhatsApp messaging service. ‘Get help,’ Di Virgilio says. ‘Although your thoughts and feelings might feel out of your control, there are strategies you can learn to manage them.’
According to Di Virgilio, utilising available support to examine why you want to have other children is also incredibly important. ‘Really connecting with what you want most in your life and why it matters to you,’ she says, is crucial in the decision about whether or not to have other children after PND.
‘Anxiety and depression will always want to take you away from who you are and what you want [...] these feelings are trying to keep you safe and prevent you from feeling "bad" again,’ she tells me. ‘However, they almost always get in the way of what we truly want.’
It’s been six months since I had my second child, and not a day goes by that I don’t feel grateful to be able to enjoy early motherhood this time round. Grateful that I was able to access the help I needed at the time. Grateful that PND didn’t prevent us from growing our family. And — something I never thought I’d say — grateful to PND for the resilience it gave me.
Sure, having two small children is very hard, there’s no denying that. But I’m acutely aware that the confidence in myself that grew from surviving PND and managing to keep my family safe and well during that time makes anything that comes my way now feel much more manageable.
Di Virgilio says my experience isn’t rare. ‘There is always something you can learn about yourself through the experience of struggling,’ she says.
These days I attend another postnatal group with my second child. I often sit back and hear first-time mothers grappling with the same hard feelings I experienced.
When they ask me how on earth I managed to have another child, themselves feeling completely bowled over by the experience and unable to imagine doing it ever again, the response comes easily. ‘Give it time. You’ll be amazed how you might feel in a year or two’.\
More in parenting:
‘The moment I accepted my ambivalence about it, motherhood was easier for me’
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