What it means to be demisexual, according to an expert
Watch: I'm A Celeb's Tulisa reveals she's demisexual
During last night’s episode of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, former N-Dubz star Tulisa Contostavlos opened up about her sexuality with her fellow campmates.
After influencer GK Barry spoke about coming out to her parents and Alan Halsall discussed his relationship with his ex-wife Lucy Jo-Hudson, Tulisa told them: "I feel like I’m demisexual, I need to have a really close emotional bond with someone. I need actual depth."
She then went on to say that she had been celibate for over three years and that she's not an "overly sexualised person".
"For me, it’s all about the connection and the emotions that I feel with someone and then wanting to express them in that way," Tulisa explained.
What is demisexuality and how does it differ from other sexual orientations?
There are different facets of attraction, with emotional and sexual attraction being two key elements. Those who are demisexual typically only feel a sexual attraction to someone after a close emotional connection is formed. For demisexuals, a strong emotional connection is a prerequisite in order for them to experience sexual attraction.
As sex expert Isabelle Uren explains, "Allosexual people can experience sexual attraction to a person without having an emotional connection to that person. An example of this would be feeling strong sexual attraction and desire for sex with someone you have just met.
"However, people who identify as demisexual usually need to have an emotional connection to a person for them to feel sexual attraction."
Falling within the asexuality spectrum, demisexuality is not the same as actively choosing or having a desire to form a deeper connection before you engage in sexual activity; it is, rather, a necessity for those who identify with the sexual orientation.
Uren says: "Generally, people who are asexual don't feel sexual attraction and may not feel a desire to engage in sex with a partner, whereas people who are demisexual do have an interest in sex – but only with people they feel connected to. It's important to note that each person will have their own unique relationship to these terms and that there isn't one set definition that will capture everyone's experience."
Relationship and sex educator, Kelley Nele, adds: "Demisexuals sit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, alongside greysexuals: people who experience sexual attraction infrequently but don’t require an emotional connection to have sex."
Seven signs you could be demisexual
According to both Nele and Uren, these are the common indicators that you could be demisexual:
Not feeling sexually attracted to someone when you first meet
You don’t understand or enjoy hook-up culture
You prefer taking things slow or starting off as friends
You might also have a tendency to date friends
You don’t really have a "type"
You only have crushes on people you know
You rarely feel sexual attraction
How to navigate your sexuality in relationships
When it comes to relationships, Nele says that many demisexuals have an interest in romantic partnerships. "The only difference is their relationships may start off slow or they may fall for someone they already know. It may take a while for sex to become a part of the equation, and this may be an issue for allosexual people/people who value physical intimacy more," she explains.
"The key to navigating dating someone who is demisexual/as a demisexual person is to prioritise non-sexual forms of intimacy. This can look like going on intimate dates, playing card games that allow you and your partner(s) to go deeper, or learning about each other’s love languages. The intimacy created from these sorts of activities will help stoke the fire, allowing for sexual attraction and sexual intimacy to occur."
Nele also stresses: "It’s important to recognise, define and honour your boundaries as a demisexual person. And for the person dating a demisexual to honour the demisexual person’s boundaries. Doing this will ensure that the connection not only grows but will be satisfactory for all parties."
Likewise, Uren says that although it can be difficult and confusing to experience sexual and romantic attraction in a way that differs from rigid and limited societal norms, especially when it comes to navigating relationships, "I would encourage you to explore what it is you find attractive and fulfilling in sex and relationships. Reading more about other people's experiences with demisexuality can be very affirming and can help you get to know your own preferences better."
Uren concludes: "When it comes to dating, it can be helpful to share up front, whether that means expressing overtly that you are demisexual and what that means for you, or explaining that you prefer to get to know a person on an emotional level before deciding whether you want to engage in a sexual relationship."
Read more about sex and relationships
I haven’t had sex with my fiancé for five years (Yahoo, 8-min read)
Yasmin Benoit: ‘Within the LGBTQ+ community, there’s a lack of understanding about asexuality’ (Attitude, 4-min read)
How often do married couples have sex? (Yahoo, 6-min read)
