What Should You Do When Coworkers Exclude You? Our Etiquette Experts Share Their Advice
Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of "Today with Hoda and Jenna," share their best advice for dealing with social dilemmas.
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Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are our "Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas" etiquette columnists. These two have been dishing out honest, heartfelt advice on air for years (watch them live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET.). Then check out their advice on a variety of social quandaries—including how to deal with complicated family dynamics—below.
Want their advice on how to deal with a sticky social situation? Email them at modernmanners@realsimple.com and they might offer up some sage advice for you in an upcoming issue of REAL SIMPLE.
When You Want More Time With Your Grandchild
LINDA ASKS: My daughter-in-law has never let me be alone with my beautiful, smart, lovable 6 1/2-year-old granddaughter. She is my only grandchild. There’s no reason for this sad situation, and I’ve reached out to my daughter-in-law many times. My granddaughter is involved in every activity you can imagine, and grandma time is not on the schedule. Is this a new trend?
JENNA BUSH HAGER: Well, there is a new trend, which is that kids are wildly over-scheduled. I think you should have an honest, open conversation with your son about how important it is for you to spend time with your granddaughter.
HODA KOTB: I agree and think you need to speak to your son. You could tell him you’d love to have a grandma-granddaughter date, even for only an hour. If he says, “Look, Mom, this is just the way it is,” maybe you start off by going to some of your granddaughter’s activities. Be part of her life. Meet her where she is.
JBH: Yeah, if it’s activities at school, volunteer at the school.
HK: Start with baby steps.
When Coworkers Exclude You
VIOLETA ASKS: My coworkers exclude me from everything. I’m 50, while they’re all 25 to 30. They talk loudly about their upcoming outings to see movies, go bowling, and hit up trivia nights, but they never invite me. It makes me feel like an outcast. I’m fun too! My friends at the company are outside my department, and they’re great, but sometimes you need friends in your space. Help!
HK: You could reach out to the one you like most and ask to grab a coffee to get a little one-on-one time. I wouldn’t say, “I feel excluded.” Start small. Get some common ground, and then maybe you grab lunch or dinner. I know people who are older in our workplace who love to hang out with the 25-year-olds because they’re so fascinated with all the things they’re doing. And often the young people like that. You could say, “Tell me what happened. Did you guys close the place down?” Let them tell you about the night, like you’re the mom and they’re telling you everything.
JBH: They may feel like you don’t want to be with them. They may not be leaving you out intentionally. Actually, I’m sure they’re not. Most people’s intentions are good. It’s up to you to assume the best in them and then create those relationships.
When the Neighbor's Cat Takes Over Your Porch
KELLI ASKS: When we moved into our home a few years ago, our new neighbors told us they have an outdoor cat who likes to stay on our porch. They said they’ve tried to get the cat to come back to their yard and porch, but to no avail. The cat constantly hacks up hairballs we have to clean. We’re not allergic, and most of the time the cat is just sleeping out there. Should I let it go?
HK: Jenna, you take this one, cat lady.
JBH: As a certified cat woman who has loved cats my entire life and had many of them, I say cats bring peace and harmony to your household. When the cat does barf up a hairball, it’s best you call the neighbor with the expectation that they clean it up. Otherwise let sleeping cats lie.
When the In-Laws Ask for Remodeling Help
MELISSA ASKS: My in-laws are always guilting my husband into helping them with some sort of remodeling project. I understand we should help family, but they ask all the time. I get frustrated because my husband has to drive three hours to their house, and sometimes he has to take time off from work. His dad makes a six-figure income and can afford to hire a professional. I think my husband should ask for some money to cover his time or gas. What do you think?
HK: I know it’s a bummer, and it probably feels like he’s choosing them over you. If you start to feel like you’re getting slighted and missing important time to connect with your husband, tell him that. Or you could use those hours to have brunch with your friends or do something for yourself.
JBH: I feel like you should ask him how he honestly feels about the situation. If it’s something he wants to do—if he wants to be there for his parents—you can’t take that away.
HK: I do think there’s something pretty cool about a grown man driving three hours to help his parents.
Have an Etiquette Question?
Email your questions to Hoda and Jenna at modernmanners@realsimple.com.
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