Claudia Winkleman: I found the greatest hotel in the Maldives

Look, I’m going to be frank. I’ve been to the Maldives before. All of it is great. Very far away but totally worth it.

You get off the plane (they say it’s 10 hours with a stop-over, but it feels like 53) and your tongue tastes like you’ve licked bark. You’re dishevelled, out of sorts, worrying whether you left a book stuffed under the seat.

You’re covered in plane food (I don’t say this in a bad way – I am seemingly the only person on Earth who loves a chicken and potato dish served on a little hot plate next to a rectangular bar of Cheddar and a chocolate and raspberry fool).

And I’m talking row 56, by the way – my legs are too short to worry about the fancy seats. And you plop off the plane and are in the middle of the ocean. Not, “Yeah, it’s about 40 minutes that way,” but you actually land on a sliver of land right in the centre of it.

None of the discombobulation matters once you see the sea (about 30 seconds after you’ve got through security) and you get either a boat or a small seaplane to your destination. From there you barely move, and that’s the sorcery. There’s no “We should probably investigate that ruin,” or “I read the restaurant at the far corner of the square does a great bowl of olive pasta but we need to get there before 7.”

None of that scrabbling around to get on the bus that’s leaving for the beach. The Maldives is absolutely magic because you don’t have to make a decision about a single thing. Which book to read first, SPF 50 or 30 for the legs, is just about it.

You find your room (there will be billowing thin curtains – an absolute essential) and it will be either on the beach or on stilts above the sea. No more planning or fussing or worrying. You’re done. Take your shoes off and don’t put them on again until it’s time to leave.

So then you’re wondering – not unreasonably – aren’t they all the same? You’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all.

Some will have a slightly grander breakfast buffet (we will discuss this later because as we all know, the choice of baked goods and an omelette station can really make or break a holiday), but otherwise what’s the difference? I see your point. But also: no. There is a marked difference when it comes to where you stay in the Indian Ocean and this involves currents.

I know. I could not have predicted this either. I was all prepared to talk about shower tiles and grilled fish. I should state that I am not an oceanic scientist (ahem) but I do know that Constance Moofushi happens to sit just above where three underwater currents meet.

And particularly between the months of October and March, this means extraordinary amounts of underwater excitement. Divers – and when I say divers, I mean proper divers, not me and my family in snorkels – know this and they flock to the place.

Current-wise it means that on just one outing you will see whale sharks, manta rays and dolphins, all at the same time. And not just once. Not, “Wow, that was a dive,” but every time you put your face in the water. It’s not rare, it’s not “lucky” and it’s not, “The sea gods looked down on us today.” It’s just, simply, each time.

You’re going to think this is only for people who go deep. Does that mean you’ll have to do a Padi course in your local leisure centre and answer questions about water pressure? Absolutely not. My husband and eldest attach tanks to their backs but the rest of us are happier with some flippers and a pair of goggles. We saw it all.

Because of this natural phenomenon you’d think the hotel wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. Here, have some old bread and you can find somewhere to sleep yourself. You’re welcome. They really could just do that and people would still come. Instead, they decided to create really beautiful rooms and they have a fantastic restaurant.

It’s not overdone (this is a good thing) but it’s extremely low key and beautiful rather than being, “Look at this ice sculpture in the shape of brain coral,” or “Would you like some salmon? We’ve flown it all the way over from Scotland.”

Everything feels authentic (I know, I hate that word too, but sometimes no other will do) and it’s quite frankly the greatest hotel in the Maldives. Although, having said that, there is also Constance Halaveli, which is Moo’s sister hotel.

It’s 45 minutes away and if you’re into food, if you get excited about a cheese stall, if you watch recipes all day on Insta, then this is the place for you. It too is surrounded by friendly baby sharks and coral but it’s very, very grown-up. The rooms are larger than Islington and at least four people can have a bath at the same time. It’s luxurious and freakishly chic.

If I don’t give you details of the breakfast, then what really is the use of anything at all? There is a man who is in charge of pancakes. Your reaction is obviously, “I’ve had a pancake before – keep going, love,” but I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you there. He whisks up the batter and can make a fluffy American squidgy thing or a very thin crepe.

On top of that is local fresh fruit and homemade yogurt with their baked nuts and seeds. Look, we all think we’ve eaten the best thing on Earth – your mum’s roast, the local taco place, etc – but I’m here to tell you that this is it.

On another stand (there are 14 – I counted) there’s the Egg Man. Poached, scrambled, coddled – he’ll make it. He also introduced me to “crispy” fried egg, which is something I hadn’t known was missing from my life. And I could write 900 words on their freshly made pastries that appear every day. A bite-sized custard-and mango-filled croissant? Stop it.

If you’re going to the Maldives then I promise you shouldn’t go anywhere else. For the whale sharks and the dolphins (at Moo they invite everyone to get on a boat to see a dolphin party, and they’re not lying – there were hundreds) and for the miniature pastries.

And before I forget, I should also add that the bathroom tiles are divine and the grilled fish was tasty.

Abercrombie & Kent (www.abercrombiekent.co.uk; 03301 734 712) offers 6 nights from £3,895pp, based on two sharing with a June 2025 departure, including international flights, seaplane transfers and accommodation with 3 nights at Constance Moofushi on an all inclusive basis and 3 nights at Constance Halaveli on a B&B basis, with a speedboat transfer between resorts. Further details from www.constancehotels.com