My children have left it too late to have babies – and I’m bitterly disappointed

When the first of Linda’s* friends became grandparents, she assumed she and her husband wouldn’t be far behind. Her two adult children were in long-term relationships; surely one, at least, would be welcoming a new arrival in the following few years. “John and I often talked about being grandparents,” she says. “We were in our late 60s, retired but still with plenty of energy. I looked forward to using all my experience to support my daughter – my son, too, if his partner wanted it – and help with childcare if they needed it.

“We decided our names would be Granny and Grandpa, like I called my grandparents as a child. We’d joke about being less strict and more indulgent than we were as parents, spoiling the kids with presents. I had an image in my head of reading stories with a child sitting on my knee, feeling so content.”

More than a decade on, that mental picture evokes nothing but sorrow for Linda, who has given up hope of ever becoming a grandmother. With her daughter now single at 43 and her son married at 39, but with no plans to have a baby, she realises that the odds of her dream becoming reality are stacked against her.

“I try not to make the kids aware of the disappointment I feel, because it’s not fair, but privately John and I are both very sad,” she admits. “Grandchildren would have given us a purpose and kept us feeling young. We’re in our late 70s now and slowing down – life seems very quiet and I often wonder how much more full it would have been.”

Linda and John* are among a growing cohort of older people falling into the “grandparent gap”: they are parents to adult children, but will either never have grandchildren, or have them far later than previous generations typically did so.

Britain’s birth rate is at an all-time low, with women in England and Wales having an average of 1.44 children between 2022 and 2023, according to figures released by the Office of National Statistics in October. For countries to maintain their populations, the fertility rate needs to be around 2.1 children per woman.

At the same time, the average age of new mothers and fathers has increased to 33.8 for fathers and 30.9 for mothers – the highest ever. This major demographic shift isn’t unique to Britain, but part of a wider trend sweeping across Europe.

Cost-of-living pressures, including rising housing and childcare expenses, are a major factor, along with a sharp rise in women remaining single: 58 per cent of those aged 30 to 34 have never married, and women make up more than half of the 8.4 million people living alone.

A recent report by the UCL Centre for Longitudinal Studies into millennial attitudes towards becoming parents illuminated some of these issues – and dispelled the common misconception that this generation simply don’t want children.

More than half of 32-year-olds surveyed by the researchers were already parents, while half of those without children said they would like to have them. But only one in four were actively trying to conceive, with the main reasons cited including not feeling ready, financial pressures, career considerations and not having a suitable partner.

These are familiar to Linda, whose daughter had always intended to have a baby, if only she’d met the right person after splitting with the boyfriend she had throughout her late 20s and early 30s.

‘A sense of loss’

Meanwhile, Linda believes her son and his wife’s reluctance to have a child stems from financial worries. “He doesn’t talk about it a lot – I think for fear of upsetting me – but they’ve both mentioned being shocked at how much their friends are paying for childcare,” she says. The average cost of full-time nursery for a child under two is around £300 per week, or £14,030 per year – and more in places such as London.

“His wife was made redundant last year and it took months for her to find another job, which I know was very stressful for them,” says Linda. “They have a big mortgage and I can’t blame them for perhaps feeling they can’t manage another huge expense when things feel precarious. But while I understand, I still feel bitterly disappointed.”

Although the declining birth rate is much debated, the grandparent gap is a rarely discussed consequence. The tension it can cause within families is all too real, however.

“For some, the idea of becoming a grandparent is deeply tied to a sense of legacy, continuity and fulfilment in later life,” says psychotherapist Susie Masterson. “When our expectations are challenged, such as through a child’s decision to delay having children or not to have them at all, it can bring up feelings of sadness and resentment. There can be a sense of loss of what was imagined for the future, or the family dynamics that were hoped for.”

For the children, any sense of pressure from their parents, or that they are letting them down by “failing” to produce the next generation, can be equally crushing. “It can be heartbreaking,” says Masterson.

For Maggie*, becoming a grandmother for the first time at 77 has raised exactly the emotions Masterson describes. Her daughter is 43 and had a baby son earlier this year with a man she met on a dating app.

“I’m so happy for her that she’s met someone who seems kind, as for a long time she didn’t have any luck with dating and I know she felt lonely,” says Maggie. “They went through IVF to have my grandson, partly with money I contributed, and thankfully, it worked.

“The baby is absolutely gorgeous and I’m spending as much time with them as I can, but I’m very aware of my age. I have arthritis in my knees and can’t do the bending down and running around needed to look after children, so I won’t be able to help anywhere near as much as I’d have liked. I don’t feel as confident with him as I would have done a few years ago.

“I know it’s not my daughter’s fault, but I can’t help wishing I could have been around longer and been able to enjoy being a grandmother more.”

Heather* and Pete* have three daughters, aged between 36 and 42, none of whom have partners or children. “I just never thought we wouldn’t be grandparents,” says Heather. “We’d both love it, but we know it may not happen,” adds Pete.

Heather sometimes wonders if she was somehow responsible, “if I encouraged the girls to be too independent, and if that was the wrong thing to do, because I worry about them being alone.” Pete believes that life is simply more complicated now: “There’s so much facing young people that we didn’t have to think about.”

A friend of the family recently became a solo mother using a sperm donor, and Heather says she would support any of her daughters to do the same. “It’s not easy doing it on your own, but if it was something they wanted we’d be there to help.”

Record numbers of babies are being born via donor sperm – since 2009, the number has more than tripled. But the costs involved, not to mention the labour, both practical and emotional, are prohibitive for many women. The number who regard themselves as “emotionally infertile”, a term coined to describe women who, through no medical reason, have not had children, is rising rapidly.

Tactless comments

Like a third of the childless millennials surveyed for the UCL study, Rachel*, 37, would love to have a baby, but despite several long-term relationships, has not found a father for the child. “Since the arrival of dating apps, trying to meet someone has become a nightmare,” she says. “Swiping hundreds of faces means everyone is seen as disposable. I’m at the age where the single men are often toxic, or want someone far younger than me.

“I’ve thought about having a baby alone, but it would be irresponsible as I don’t own my own property and my family live hundreds of miles away.”

One of the most painful aspects of her predicament, she says, has been her mother’s tactless comments. “She doesn’t hide her feelings about wanting to be a grandma – she’s always telling me stories about seeing her friends pushing their grandchildren on the swing and saying, ‘I wish that was me’,” says Rachel. “Last time she did it, I burst into tears and she apologised, but she can’t seem to understand how hurtful it is for me.”

Masterson says perceived “digs” are common when there’s a deeper conversation to be had, but neither side knows how to have it. “Sometimes, it’s really difficult to ‘hold’ our emotions, and families often offload onto each other,” she says.

She recommends that both children and parents try to make sense of their own loss before coming together and attempting a constructive conversation. “Therapy can be helpful to process and navigate our own experience, to enable us in time to work on it as a family.”

When broaching the subject, “verbalising and agreeing boundaries of how to communicate is key,” she says – in other words, try to listen and understand without lashing out. For families who find it particularly difficult to keep their emotions in check, or where there’s a strong sense of hurt on either side, she suggests family therapy.

For Linda, what has helped manage her sadness at not being a grandmother has been volunteering at her local church, where she spends time with children at Sunday school. “Even if they’re not my family, it brings me a lot of pleasure being around them,” she says.

*Names changed to protect anonymity