I recently saw a news story about a dating website for beautiful people being hacked, resulting in lots of ugly singletons signing up and subsequently being booted off once the technical glitch was fixed.
It seemed like a shameless publicity stunt. Anyway, I decided to give them more free publicity by attempting to sign up to the site myself and date a beautiful person — just to see what would happen.
After uploading a photo, I was told I should wait for my application to be judged and that only successful applicants were allowed to browse the site. In other words: Not only can ugly people not join, they can't even look.
At least a hungry tramp can stand at the window of Yo Sushi gazing in, but this was a gated community where residents wanted to be safe from the ogres outside.
Days went past and I heard nothing. Naturally, I feared the worst. Namely, that even the best existing photo of me was not deemed attractive. I was a peripheral ogre. Then, almost a week later, I got an email saying I had been accepted.
[See also: 10 ways technology can ruin your love life]
I was excited to be invited to this exclusive party and I logged on looking for hot women. However, the initial barrier to finding a girl I liked was that I automatically resented everyone on the site for embracing such an elitist concept in the first place.
So why do it? You may ask. Well I suppose that's because I liked the idea of going on a date with a beautiful person. Standard hypocrisy, then.
Another thing instantly evident was that the hotness judging method, which is based on votes from existing members, was clearly not 100% ugly-proof. I scoffed in irritation at each imperfect face: I really had settled effortlessly into these shallow surroundings.
Having said that, people were certainly better looking than on an average dating site. I've only been on one before and found the inhabitants were about 78% ugly. Here it was more like 15%. But here, it seemed they were roughly 78% idiots. Girls in bikinis, girls with professionally taken shots, girls with little dogs and girls with visible cleavage were all avoided. Plus, one of the profile pics was definitely someone I recognised as an actress from the TV show Skins. I'm guessing it wasn't really her.
My aim was to secure an evening out with a beautiful person but the few emails I fired off were ignored. I may have been good-looking enough to get on the site, but being hot enough to get a date was a different story.
To widen the field, I signed up to another dating site that was also supposedly reserved for attractive humans. What I quickly noticed was that many girls had profiles on both sites, including one who was 31 years old on one of the sites and 28 on the other! I also read a profile with a chilling plea: "Anyone know how can delete this... profile and photos??" Would I too be stuck here forever?
My quest to date a beauty is a few days in now, and all I have mustered so far is a brief email exchange with a girl from Nottingham, which seems a bit far away to pursue. I will keep you posted on developments, or maybe I should just wait for the site to be hacked again.
Looking for love? Find someone with Yahoo!