I love being single, it’s going to take someone extraordinary for me to give it up
We’re taught from a young age that being single is a curse – a transitory condition that should not be allowed to become a longer-term one, lest we stay that way forever. In fact, it’s usually only viewed as a good thing when someone wishes to change its status (“Do you know if he’s single?”)
But for me, being single isn’t some moral evil or sign of failure. It doesn’t mean that I am a wanton woman or that I hate men – or even that I don’t think there’s merit in a good, healthy partnership, because I do.
It means really knowing myself on a deeper level and understanding what my boundaries are – it means having the luxury of choosing how I spend my time and who I spend it with; and it also means I am not reliant on others as a source of happiness and fulfilment. Plus, I can change a lightbulb, fix a bike chain and put together a Billy Ikea bookshelf all by myself, thank you very much.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had relationships – but, well, that’s a part of why I view being single as a positive.
I spent my teenage years trying to navigate boys, hormones and friendships. I never entirely felt like I fit in and I certainly had no clue what made for a good relationship. The only prerequisite I had at that age was that they were "cute" – bonus points if they owned a skateboard or played the guitar (ugh).
Then, after experiencing my first love aged 17 – and my first heartbreak at 18 – I was so utterly beside myself that I almost dropped out of sixth form. Thank goodness my teacher gave me some tough love, else who knows what I would’ve ended up doing.
And perhaps because of that very big wake-up call – the realisation that I almost threw my life away for a boy I loved, but a boy nonetheless – I decided to spend my years at uni unattached and unbothered by all that. Who needs emotion when you have wild SU nights? And studies, of course…
It was only in my early twenties that I entertained the idea of a relationship again – and, naturally, I went from zero to 100. I fell hard, spent many years with that person, and even lived with them. We had built a life together – even if I felt like I was playing grown-ups most of the time.
Such a big portion of my formative years was spent with him, that when my father died, and my relationship broke down shortly after, I had no clue who I was, unless it was in relation to someone else. I had a real identity crisis and, although I knew I had learnt a lot through these experiences, I had also lost touch with myself – and that’s a terrifying feeling.
So, in perhaps the most cliche move ever, I quit my job, packed my belongings into a storage unit and travelled around America for two months. Now, I cannot say that my journey of self-discovery was truly spent alone, but it was a pivotal point in my life – one that reminded me that I can do things by myself and for myself; that I don’t need another person to validate my existence.
Although I have since had flings and short-term relationships, I have been much more guarded when it comes to romance. It’s not that I am scared of commitment – in fact, I am more than ready to commit. Rather, it’s that I am scared of committing to the wrong person and undoing all the work I have done on myself. I mean, who wants to give up starfishing in bed for just anyone?
Of course, like anyone, I get lonely from time to time and, yes, it’s frustrating when you are ready but the people you meet aren’t (I’ve lost count of how many guys I’ve dated who are still "figuring it out" in their mid- to late-thirties). But what I absolutely will not do is settle. To do so would mean everything I’ve built was in vain – I may as well have married the first mouth-breather that paid me the slightest bit of attention.
That’s not to say that I am unrealistic either. I am not overly sure I believe in the concept of The One, as different people serve you at different points in your life. But I do believe in connection and real love – and I want to find someone who is equally convinced in me as I am in them. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I want someone who challenges me; pushes me to be a better person; gives me perspective. Someone who is loving and kind – but not in a forced way; and someone who won’t give up at the first hurdle. I want someone who has similar core values and who is a fundamentally decent person – especially if I were to ever consider having children with them – and someone who makes me laugh and feel good.
Some people may call me picky or think I’m too much in my own head – and maybe they’re right. But I am very much an all or nothing kind of person. I don’t do things by half measures and I don’t understand why, when it comes to how we spend our lives, anyone could accept any less and not take this approach.
So, please do not pity me for being "alone" – or feel scared if you face being single yourself. Being happy in your own skin and in your own company is one of the greatest life lessons you will learn – and not everyone gets the opportunity to do so. Because it is an opportunity.
I am not waiting for my life to start, nor is the only marker for my success my relationship status, because I’ve achieved so much else. And while being single is never a bad thing, being in the wrong relationship is.
In order for me to renounce this invaluable, enriching phase of my life, it’s going to take someone special – someone extraordinary.
Read more about relationships
Six signs your relationship may be about to end (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
Six health benefits of staying single (Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read)
People Are Sharing The Reasons Why They're Still Single, And I'm Genuinely Curious If You Can Relate (BuzzFeed, 9-min read)
